Entourage - Oh, Brother by Daniel Manachi (icqcrash) - Series - Johnny "Drama" Chase finally gets his big break - to star in the CHIPS remake. 29 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi everyone,

Just wanted to let you know that I was around and would love to see what some of you think of one of my writing samples that I decided to upload here (the Entourage spec).

Best,

- Crash

I like it.  It's a nice angle to take, as it's always been the four of them against the world.  So, I like the idea of creating conflict between the four of them.  I forsee in future episodes Turtle taking Vince's side and E taking Drama's side splitting up the usual alliances.  That'd be pretty cool.  

The dialogue sounds a little stilted, but nothing that a good solid rewrite woudn't take care of.  

All in all, job well done!

Thanks, Ricker.    Very kind words.  I do have one question, though -

Where does the dialogue sounds stilted?  Could you give me an example?

Thanks,

- Crash

I love entourage and enjoyed this script, you had a good story that flowed with the series but i had a few issues.

The dialogue seemed a little to cliche in parts there were several scenes where i knew i had heard basically the same exact line of dialogue before, I understand some characters (especially Ari) have there go to catch pharses and he usually says pretty similar things but i just thought pieces of your dialogue lacked the Freshness they needed.

I think the ending was a little of out character for Drama i dont see Drama reacting the way i see more of a comical reaction, but that dosent really have to do with your script it is just my personal view of the character some may view it differently, i like the ending where he poked his head out of the door that was pretty funny way to end it.

I thought the Turtle plot line was a little weak, the web site idea was an original concept but i kind felt it lacked depth maybe introducing it with a little more detail would expand the story a little bit. Also at the end we never find out why the girl was upset with Turtle it is kinda left to our imagination.

Those are just some very small observations i made reading the script but overall i felt you did a very good job with one of my favorite series.

Hi Topher,

Thanks for taking the time, I definitely appreciate it.

Did you think the dialogue was stilter like Ricker did, or just cliche?  I tried to stay very much in the tune of the characters, so that might explain why they come as that way.  I think a writing sample that's a spec of an existing series should show that you can write within a universe created by somebody else.  That being said, I'll have to read it over again and see if it comes off as too cliche, as that would be bad as well.

I wanted to switch up the story a little and add a bit of flare to it in place of the typical "Ari you're fired" business.  He comes back in my second spec. :)

I've heard that feedback about Turtles B story before.  I'm not sure what to do with it besides a page on rewrite, so I might give that a whirl when I circle back to that spec.  A lot of people get confused as to why the girl kicks him off the bed and leaves - it's because she expected Vince to watch/participate, but instead he slammed the door.

Thanks again,

- Crash

i didnt really feel the dialogue was stilted i thought it was very natural and fit the characters i really thought you did a good job with it, i just felt at certain points it was to close to things said before,for example the little comment about Drama's calves yes it is part of the show history but i felt it wasnt needed and re-hashed an older episode, I liked your concept for the Turtle storyline alot i thought it was original and a very fitting thing for the character to do i just thought it was missing somthing, i wish i had a suggestion on how to make it have a little more depth but i cant think of anything, there were a couple other places i noticed this.

Your explanation of why the girl was angry at turtle dosent make sense to me because why would the girl even sleep with Turtle to begin with if Vince wasnt there because obviously when Vince, Drama and E got home Turtle and the girl were already going at it, so that could use a little re thinking.

But those are very minor complaints i had and i think you have a very good script on your hands, i like the plot alot i think it brings a nice twist to the series, and i definately look for more scripts in the series from you.

Anyone else interested in giving me some feedback?

It's only 29 pages :)

Hi IQCrash (great nick by the way  ;D)

While I haven't seen a lot of 'Entourage' I deffinately felt you maintained the same level of story telling that's in the show. It's got the humor and...Drama hehe.

!!!SPOILERS!!!

I really liked the plot here - playing the brothers against each other like that - nice touch. I really look forward to see where this storyline is going. Turtle and E didn't really have a lot to do in this episode, but I'm sure more will come from them.

Ari was done very good, the scene at the shrink was excellent. But I thought his wife let him off the hook a little too easily.

I wasn't too impressed with the dialog, it was a bit repetitive (I don't mean the words but the more what was behind the words).

With regards to farmat I think you hit that one pretty close to home. But you forgot a slugline when you cut between Eric's car and the Crab Shack.

All in all a good 'first' episode.

Cheers
Rob

Thanks Sniper.

Could you give me a bit more information about the dialogue?  Most of the reviews I've gotten from friends have stated that the dialogue is spot on in regards to the characters - so I'm hoping you can elaborate for me what you mean by what was behind the words?

Does it just seem they're going through the motions?

Thanks again.

- Crash

Hey Crash,

Oh, I totally think you nailed the dialog in respect to the various characters, no problem there. I just think it was repetitive, meaning there wasn't a whole lot of development - I felt like they were saying the same things no matter what the topic at hand was.

Does that make any sense?

Cheers
Rob

Sorry, this is a little belated (and I'm not sure if you're even on here anymore). Just got done watching season 5 of Entourage on DVD, and came across this one, so I thought I'd give it a read.

I thought it was nicely written. I liked the dialogue, thought there were some funny moments, and felt like you really got the tenor of the show. You did a great job of nailing the character's voices. And you came up with some clever lines of dialogue that got a chuckle out of me (although there were some lines that were a little over the top, even for Entourage). Also, the pacing was good, scenes were short and to the point, and you got in and out quickly, much as they do on the show. There's a lot here to be proud of.

One of the things that didn't work was the Ari and Mrs. Ari subplot. Not that there weren't some good moments (like in the therapists office), but it was too generic. "You don't spend enough time with me, Ari..." isn't specific enough to warrant a separate story arc. Now if you could come up with something more specific like Mrs. Ari's mother will be visiting for a month, which Ari can't deal with... (for example), then you have the makings of a real subplot, but as it is it needs to be beefed up with something more concrete.

I thought the MyVince.com website was clever, as it put the focus on Turtle. But I don't think you got the boundaries quite right. Turtle would never ask Vince to watch him in a threesome -- it just wouldn't happen. But I do think he'd come up with a website to try and score dates, that's definitely in his character. But otherwise, a solid subplot.

Last, as a spec script, I don't think you should end it the way you do. Ending it with the gang splitting is way too dramatic a move. It's equivalent to getting a character pregnant or married for the purposes of your spec. It might make for a great season arc, but I think it's way too big a move here.

All in all, I thought it was well written and enjoyable to read. there were some areas that needed tweaking, but overall there was a lot you got right. And I think you nailed the most important elements -- getting the character's voices right, and the pacing and feel of the show.

Hey. My name's John and I just wanted to comment on your screenplay.

First, loved the dialogue. I feel you captured each character perfectly, especially Ari. The plot was pretty good as well, better than most plots from the last few seasons.

The only confusing thing is the thing with Turtle and the girl. Don't know why she was mad. Also, i'm new to television writing and not sure of the format differences between Network and Cable, but on cable do they have act breaks or do they just continue on like a screenplay.

Thanks. Four stars on your script.