Leech by Chris Lee (swapjack) - Short, Drama - The mundane world of a freeloader is turned upside down when his deceitful ways and chronically bad decision making snowball into the ultimate unthinkable. Murder. 15 pages - pdf, format 8)

This was a pretty solid read. Characters were fleshed out nicely and you were able to develop some pretty interesting conflict without making this into a straight up character study. The ending was a little incomplete though and kinda farfetched as well. I'm not talking about Jared and Mike. You ended that pretty well. I'm talking about Rick. I'm thinking this guy's going to be arrested for sure. No way is a 16 year old going to be able to stand up to the cops. He'd be taken down in a second, I'd imagine. I'd like to see what happens to him. He'd probably be arrested. That or go out in a hail of gunfire. The former sees more likely. They'd probably break him.

I'm also not sure if you realized that Heather is total jailbait. Not sure if you want to do anything with that but it might make the story a little more interesting. When the cops showed up, I thought Jared might've been more than just a little freaked out. I mean a guy having sex with a girl ten years younger than him who turns up dead has got a lot to worry about. Just a thought.

Finally, Coke and Pepsi wouldn't be in the same machine and I thought Mike's "contribute to society" line was kinda lame and a little unrealistic. Just the rent will do. Other than that, not much to nitpick. I liked this one overall.

Quoted from James McClung This was a pretty solid read. Characters were fleshed out nicely and you were able to develop some pretty interesting conflict without making this into a straight up character study. The ending was a little incomplete though and kinda farfetched as well. I'm not talking about Jared and Mike. You ended that pretty well. I'm talking about Rick. I'm thinking this guy's going to be arrested for sure. No way is a 16 year old going to be able to stand up to the cops. He'd be taken down in a second, I'd imagine. I'd like to see what happens to him. He'd probably be arrested. That or go out in a hail of gunfire. The former sees more likely. They'd probably break him. I'm also not sure if you realized that Heather is total jailbait. Not sure if you want to do anything with that but it might make the story a little more interesting. When the cops showed up, I thought Jared might've been more than just a little freaked out. I mean a guy having sex with a girl ten years younger than him who turns up dead has got a lot to worry about. Just a thought. Finally, Coke and Pepsi wouldn't be in the same machine and I thought Mike's "contribute to society" line was kinda lame and a little unrealistic. Just the rent will do. Other than that, not much to nitpick. I liked this one overall.

SPOILERS

thanks for the read james. Rick went out in a hail of gunfire. originally i had him just make a clean escape... but Wesley read this and said that was unrealistic.... so i had him go out in a blaze of gunfire. sort of a homage to one of my favorite movies...Reservior Dogs.

Heather is jailbait... and it just goes hand in hand with Jared's chronically bad decision making.

and yes her turning up dead is A LOT to worry about...which is why he didnt call the cops right then and there...which if he had done  he probably would have spared himself the tragedy at the end.

I thought this was pretty good.  


SPOILERS

I saw the ending coming but at the same time I was thinking "clever idea" regarding the mail and the condom wrapper so the story woked for me in that sense.

A couple of notes as I read:

The phone call at the beginning struck me as a bit expositional. We get the point that he's a slacker pretty quickly. I reckon you could cut to the chase with the dialogue here. Also, phonecalls aren't the most interesting thing to see onscreen. Maybe consider showing Mike leaving for work, Jared asleep/smoking a joint in the armchair or something. Mike ribbing him about not having a job. It's more visual.

Speaking of visuals. I don't wanna see Jared jerking off in the shower :)

"Spank me harder!" LOL - that line pulled me out of it, so to speak.

The thing I don't buy in all of this is a) Jared just dumping the body back in the pool, and b) Rick having the nerve to kill Mike when there are a bunch of cops right outside.

Overall I thought this was quite a clever idea that suffers from some plausibility issues. I enjoyed it, though. Good job.

thanks for the read Martin.

It's not plausible for a 16 year old to gun down someone in front of the cops? like a college kid going onto his campus and gunning down 30 teachers and students? humm i disagree.

as far as the jerking off in the shower...well thats what someone like this guy would do... it goes to show he's got raging hormones and would likely sleep with anything...including a 16 yr old girl.

"Spank me harder"  - that was meant to be funny.

Jared dumps the body back in the pool because A) he makes bad decisions B) he paniced and C) he slept with her, a miner just 24 hours ago...

i'd do the same thing if i were him

While I read, just a couple things -  

-Coke is 25 cents in the States?  Also, Coke and Pepsi wouldn't be in the same machine.
-I wouldn't use "jerks off" in description, personally.  "Masturbates" seems fine to me, if it must be included...
-Spank me?  Heather's a little unecessarily freaky for a 16 year old, no?

I rather enjoyed this, actually.  Nicely drawn characters, an interesting conclusion, and fairly well paced.  

Some problems:

-The phone call at the beginning.  It's long.  We get it, he's a slacker, of course Mike's mad at him...it just seemed a little unecessary because you draw the characters well anyway.
-Believability...this is your main problem, I think.  Rick's one dumb little kid to shoot someone while there are a ton of cops outside.  Jared's an idiot to just dump her back in the pool, even if she is jailbait.  And I know Jared's the kind of guy that would do that, but it still seemed outside the realm of plausibility.  Finally, if the pool is there, wouldn't there be quite a number of apartments overlooking it, people that would see him?
-Random thought:  I'd really like to see a scene where a cop comes to their door (the cops obviously would check with all the neighbours).  This could be a great scene of suspense.

Overall I think that the main problem here is plausibility.  Your premise and execution are pretty good otherwise.

Oh one more thing...I don't like the title or the line that spawned it, as a matter of fact.  It doesn't seem to fit the story either thematically or tonally.  However, I don't have any suggestions, so I'm just a jerk.  Ha hey.

heretic, thanks for the read. your not the first person to complain about the title...wesley actually said the same thing...but for lack of creativity on my part or maybe just laziness .... i cant think of anything else.

im open for suggestions though.


in my rerwrite  i think i'll go and fix up some of the plausibility points people have been mentioning.  

i like your idea with the cop... i'll try to find a way to fit that in there if it doesnt take away from the momentuem of the story.

the purpose of the long phonecall was to flush out the characters and the relationship with the brothers.....
maybe i'll chop it down.

Hey there.

This was a nice easy read, for the most part.

The pool coincidence is the rough patch. I take it Rick offs her before coming to ask for Mike the first time, right? So the body is in the pool for over an hour during lunch, a pretty busy come/go time at an apartment, before Jared finds her.  And, really, what luck? Would almost be more dramatic having him watch someone else find her... especially if he knows someone seen him with her the night before.

And I also found the brother conversation a bit long.  Also, could intercut it so that we see Mike, maybe show how he even works his ass off while lecturing his lazy brother. That way we feel more when he gets it.

I'll also second the - I don't need the shower scene.

Everything else, the dialogue, the set-up, was pretty smooth and flowed well.  I enjoyed it.

Dethan

thanks for the feedback Dethan....your criticisms are noted... i'm already working on it. i like the idea of showing the bro working his butt off

thanks!  

Hey SwapJack,

Seeing as though this is getting produced, I thought I'd check it out.

I thought it crackled along at a nice pace and the climax was good.

Quoted from Dethan The pool coincidence is the rough patch. I take it Rick offs her before coming to ask for Mike the first time, right? So the body is in the pool for over an hour during lunch, a pretty busy come/go time at an apartment, before Jared finds her.Dethan

I agree with Dethan.

Another thing that bothered me was the bit at the end, when the computer screen said his application had been accepted. I didn't thing this added anything to story and wasn't really necessary. That, plus the fact that Jared wasn't on the computer when his brother walked in, and after he walked in Jared went to the bathroom. So at no point was actually on the computer for this message to appear.

But all in all I thought it was good. I hope the film turns out alright.  

Quoted from Takeshi Another thing that bothered me was the bit at the end, when the computer screen said his application had been accepted. I didn't thing this added anything to story and wasn't really necessary. That, plus the fact that Jared wasn't on the computer when his brother walked in, and after he walked in Jared went to the bathroom. So at no point was actually on the computer for this message to appear.

actually he did the application after he returned home from the laundry room. i was just trying to show that there is some hope for the guy... but the damage was already done.  i guess you can call it character devlpmnt....

finding the girl dead scared him straight.

Quoted from SwapJack actually he did the application after he returned home from the laundry room. i was just trying to show that there is some hope for the guy...

What page was that on?

him doing the application was an off screen scene.... shortly before mike got home

The reader has no way of knowing that. Especially since it is so out of character. Anyway, do you really think someone would be applying for a job the same day they found a dead body? I doubt it.

over heard all the excitment that a producer picked this one up.  So I thought I would have a read.

I don't blame a producer for snatching this up. It's perfect, simplistic and how Mike's mail is used in the story is priceless!

I'm glad I read it cause it is a great example of how a simple yet clever idea is more appealing to a film maker and has a greater chance of being produced. I've really been inspired.

Have to play monkey see, monkey do and have a go at writing a short myself one day.  

One thing I am very curious about is the use of Coca-Cola and Pepsi product. Isn't there some sort of copyright infringment if you use a product without their consent?

Is it okay to put  trade mark products in your script?

Quoted from tonkatough One thing I am very curious about is the use of Coca-Cola and Pepsi product. Isn't there some sort of copyright infringment if you use a product without their consent? Is it okay to put  trade mark products in your script?

ive never written with the thought that my stuff would be produced...i write for me.... so its a simple change i will have to make

thanks for the read though. i'm glad you liked it.

Quoted from Takeshi The reader has no way of knowing that. Especially since it is so out of character. Anyway, do you really think someone would be applying for a job the same day they found a dead body? I doubt it.

you might be right.

SPOILERS

On the other hand, he could've sent the application into to Target before he found the body. Then when Mike comes home and asks him if he's done anything about getting a job, Jared could say yes and their last conversation could finish on a positive note, which would make Mike's death even more tragic.

Just throwing up ideas, dude. I still think it's a good script regardless.    

Yeah im tinkering with some of these plot points in the rewrite

I agree with James about the ending with Rick. It was a little confusing. Maybe I'm just stupid. Oh well. Overall this was an enjoyable read. It'll make a good movie.

7 out of 10

Zack

confusing how?

sorry, bad choice of words on my part. What I meant to sya was the ending was a little out there. Like James said, Rick wouldn't last against the cops.

it wasnt much of a standoff....

Rick walks out of the apartment... cops see him from a distance tell him to stop. he tells them to back off... rick pulls a gun... they give him a chance to drop it... rick fires a shot...and they take him down...

well, I'm just stupid and need to be ignored.

This was really well done, it read very quickly.  Just a couple of things that I noticed:
the conversation between Heather and Jared worked really well. I don't know if there's a way you could show him being a little hesitant, not being so cocky, when it comes to deciding to sleep with her. He came off like a scumbag who doesn't have any hesitation towards sleeping with a minor. Maybe if he showed some it'd be easier to sympathasize/root for him.
I wasn't the biggest fan of the Target application, it was the one part that was a let down since the rest of the story worked so well. Overall I liked it a lot.

I can relate to this story- I have a son which falls under the same lazy category.

I believe you have the situation pretty well wrapped up.
Jared is lazy- he expects to be looked after- He is in no hurry to get a job; that's how it should have remained.

The last bit about his Target application being accepted, did not seem necessary.
With the pool scene, you would expect someone else to have seen the body, considering it is a fairly descent size complex.

Overall though, I enjoyed it and the twist was good.

Good story!

thanks for the reads. i have taken much of this feedback into consideration and changed some stuff in the re-write that will hopefully show up in production

Hey Chris,

I can see why this one is getting produced. Pretty good script.

The Target application kind of hit me as "where did that come from"?
Maybe if his brother had called while he was on the porno site, made him feel guilty... maybe if he went to the Target site right after his call, then wanted something to drink, forgot to turn off the computer...  ????

Anyway, I liked the biggest part of it.
Congrats again.

Cindy

I enjoyed this piece.  I liked how we are set up with a nice opening premise of the brother beeing a "leech," hence the title, and the brother not willing until his brother dies.  I felt this moved fairly well and the characters were set up and fleshed out well.  In reading the piece, it seems to me more that Mike's death scares the brother straight, especially in light of your saying the Target application was offscreen.  I think that works better, because Jared has now seen the real effect of his being a lazy bum.

Chris

I thought i would check this out due to it being produced, and i thought it was fantastic. I thought Crimes of Passion was pretty good but this ticks all the boxes. Your dialogue is solid, your plot good, characters good, and your climax great. This script deserves to be produced.

Robert