Warm Place, A by Patrick Chico - Short, Sci Fi  - A young man mourns the death of his best friend only to find that before he died he was on a path to discovering how to transcend to a higher state of consciousness using quantum mechanics, mysticism, and The Kabbalah. He carries on his friend's unfinished work after discovering he could be the chosen one. 15 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Patrick. You might want to re-submit this in another format. I can't get it to open. I saved it to my computer but it still wouldn't open.

It's a Final Draft File, .FDR.

Chico, save the script as a PDF file in FD. Then more people will be able to read it.

Thanks for the info! I have changed my scripts to PDF formats and have contacted the administrator to resubmit them.

Hi Pat,

I’ve always found the merging of spiritual awakenings and science an interesting premise for a story, so I thought I’d check this out.

Although Michael's monologues had some interesting insights, I thought they were a bit long winded. It would’ve helped if you mixed them up with descriptions of action, because during some of the monologues there is absolutely nothing happening.

I thought the story was interesting enough. But Michaels search for clues in Yehudah’s house seemed a little contrived and out of step with the story. And it didn’t ring true, to me, when Michael went to the particle decelerator and only had to get past a padlock to get in. I think he should've had to overcome a few more obstacles, because one of the golden rules of writing is that you never make life easy for the protagonist. So perhaps security at the particle decelerator could be beefed up a little. Plus, I gather he’s never actually used a particle decelerator before, so I would imagine that would present a few problems, too.

If you could tighten up the monologues and fix these weak points it would be a lot better.

Once you’ve done that you also need to tighten up your descriptions and fix up some of your spelling and formatting errors.  

Page 1: i knew this is how Yehudah wanted it to be. Needs a capital I.

Page 3: The horizon, sea and shy….Should be sky.

At the top of page 4, Michael's name is there but it has no dialogue underneath it.
You've also forgotten to put VO next to Michael's name for some of his monologues.  

On page 10 Michael walks up to the Rabbi’s house but you didn’t write
Ext. House - Day    

Page 10: I was staring to understand…It should read I was starting to understand
.
Page 11 reads: Move to Rabbi’s study and sit. Very tidy, no visible Hebrew paraphernalia.

It should read: The Rabbi and Michael walk into the study and sit. The study is very tidy. Michael looks around the room, there is no Hebrew paraphernalia.

When writing this last bit I’ve realized that sometimes you over describe things and other times you under describe them

Page 13: I have you the truth. Should read: I have told you the truth.

Page 17: It says that Michael finds another note in Yehudah’s bathroom. Where in Yehudah’s bathroom does he find it? Again, not enough detail.

I think this story has potential, but it needs some more work.