Logging Road by Spencer - Short, Horror - On a dark desolate road bad things do happen. 3 pages - pdf, format 8)

There really wasn't much of a story here, so...


SPOILERS




So all we see are Seth, Star, and a rape? And it ends with Seth being a police officer examining her dead body? This seems like something that could be part of a feature length or so. I thought this was going to end well, but I was disappointed (though I should have seen it coming at 3 pages of a script).

There's really  not much to say here. There wasn't enough for me to get to know the characters, and all I know is that Seth is a famous cowboy, Star's a stripper, and he's a rapist. Try adding on to this.

Sean

Not much to this really and not sure where you're going with it.  A cop who kills, nice twist mind.  

As it stands though there's no story, no motivation for Stars murder apart from being a stripper.  We don't know Seth and why he wants to kill her and we don't know enough about Star.  Your characters are not developed and so we don't care about them.

As it stands it's a nice quick read with no format issues but extended it could have more impact.

On a dark desolate road, bad scripts do happen.

This was not good Spencer.  There was no story.  No characters.  Just a rape scene.  What are you trying to here?

Considering that this script is only two pages long (three, counting the cover), there were a number of problems with it.

First, you describe the road as a 'logging road.'  Don't tell us this, show us.  Just say it's a country dirt road.

Second, you introduce the main character as COWBOY, only to later refer to him as rodeo star SETH CAMPBELL.  How do we know he's a rodeo star?  Does he wear a big ten gallon hat, covered with ribbons from various rodeos?

Later on, you say that Campbell is a cop?  A cop and a rodeo star?  Don't rodeo stars have to travel a circuit?  Don't cops work long and oddball hours?  How would he juggle these two careers?

Third, delete all the headers.  This script consists of two scenes.  All you need are two headers, the first one and the crime scene one.

Four, how do we know that Star is a stripper?  By the way she's lying in the trunk?

Five, what is your light source, here?  You're on a dark road in the middle of nowhere yet you you describe Seth's long fingernail, his cold black eyes, and how he studies his knife.  The tail lights of the car aren't enough here.

There was no characterization here.  I didn't feel anything when Star was killed and I didn't feel anything when Seth was revealled to be a cop.  Characterization can be developed in a short story.  I got the impression that you were more concerned with the imagery of the rape than anything else, though.  And I find that disturbing.


Phil

First, your descriptions were truly terrible! They are short, but they are to on the nose. The thing we need to know, like how can we tell Star is a stripper, you never explain. The descriptions really made this hard to follow and enjoy at the same time. The only part that was well described was the rape scene, and that kinda stuff just doesn't do it for me. The surprise twist at the end would have been cool, had the rest of the script not been so damn tediuos! Overall, this was a very lackluster attempt at a murder script. Better luck next time.

5 out of 10

Wow guys didn't know this got posted yet.

Yes it is not a complete story. No, I did not develop the character well. Nothing but quick description, that was the goal.

Phil, your point about Seth being a rodeo star then a cop, is warranted. No pun intended. Thanks.

Please review this for speed of reading and description. Thanks.

And as far as a murder scene goes, I think it works just fine. If this were turned into anything else it would hold much more weight. I agree.

Anyway, thanks everyone. We'll see how it faired in a contest.

Spencer

I don't understand what you were trying to do here, Spencer.  If you wanted a script that was quick to read, then you got one.  But it's not a good.  Your descriptions are bad and you have no story or characterization.


Phil

Thanks Phil.

What contest did you enter this in?

A very short contest at a different screenwriting site.

Thanks for your review.

Spencer

Hey, this had a couple of good things to it, but it mostly felt like something that was posted just for the sake of posting something.
The descriptions got on my nerves, I've never been a fan of when people use "cute" things in them like the Rosie O'Donell reference.  The reason being that it takes the reader out of the story. You had a nice twist at the ending, but it wasn't enough to make up for the rest of the story.
The rape scenario has been completely overdone, maybe finding a different way for seth to kill her would help and be more original.

Thank N7. Good, honest review.

Sure I understand about the Rosie O'donnell thing. Only use those things as desriptors that give some clarity and impact. I could probably do without it.

And I understand about the rape thing. This short might be more interesting if it wrere more orginal. I could have left the rape completely out of it and it may have worked better.

Spencer

Quoted from spencerforhire A very short contest at a different screenwriting site.

Was it the Gimme Credit competition?  They have a 5 page super short competition.

Quoted from spencerforhire And I understand about the rape thing. This short might be more interesting if it wrere more orginal. I could have left the rape completely out of it and it may have worked better.

I remember reading about a producer who said he would immediately put a script down if you show the villain being bad by showing him either raping a woman or by killing a puppy.


Phil

I find this thread interesting. I read this script a couple of times already at that other "mysterious" site. I didn't know who wrote it at first, but I thought it was great. Funny how people can interpet things so differently.
One of the things I liked the best about this script was the descriptions.

Describing him as a cowboy or rodeo star gave me an immediate understanding of his looks and deamenor. I pictured Harlan from "Thelma and Lousie" right away. Star being described as a stripper gave me a complete mental image of her as well.

I liked the twist at the end to.

Like I said, funny how we can see things so differently when looking at the same thing. :-)

Isnt it interesting how the writer is the closest thing to God there will be. We have the power to create and destroy anything we want without going to jail or hell.

Most of my scripts are politically incorrect or even on the dark side. That is my style. In my universe I am God and I get to create anything I want.

Thanks to everyone for your review and remarks. I do take them all in, even if with a grain of salt.

Spencer