Eleven Balls Left by David Wells (dlwells4) - Short, Comedy - In this dark comedy, a wife exacts revenge on her husband who plays golf on Mother's Day. 9 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey David,

This was an amusing short. I especially liked the Titleist line at the end.
The my mother is dead line was also funny.

On page 6, the wife says 'What do you got there?" it should be "What do you have there?

I was also unsure about the three-pak of golf balls. Is that supposed to be three-pack or is three-pak a brand name?

Thanks for the comments. Regarding the three pak, I think they spell it that way for marketing purposes but you're right for the script, I should spell it the correct way.  I also agree with the page 6 suggestion, thanks a lot, Dave.

Hahaha, man, that was funny.  Unexpected, silly, and finally, the last part with Tilteist.  But hey, when a man plays golf on mothers day, something like that's bound to happen right?   ;D

And for some bizarre reason, I'm kind of reminded about my old man, joking around he once said something like, "What?  She isn't my mother," when I asked where his mother's day gift was.

I like how there was so much emphisis on the fact that she was sleepwalking only for her to admit she thought she used another brand to stick him with.  Nice short.

I actually wrote the script on Mother's day and my wife is not happy if I don't do something special for her even though she's not my mom.  Cheers! Dave.

Nice. Well written, funny. Toilet humor done well, it didn't stoop to being sophmoric.
typo on pg. 3 "...and the now pain's spread...."
Other than that the one thing that could be fixed up was Dave's last line of dialogue at the end of page 2, that was the one part of dialogue that was too on the nose. Overall it was really entertaining, good work.

Really good script. Only thing I saw that needs a fix is your characters. You don't introduce them in CAPITALS. You should go in and fix that. Also on page one or two you say something about Sue and you should probably say Sue/Mom. This lets us know who Sue is.

Spencer

Thanks for the feedback, Dave.

DL.

A decent little script with good characters and a funny premise.

To improve it I would personally start it with the scene that you're describing;

Sue sleepwalking.

Actually seeing her doing the things is funnier and far more visually interesting than having someone talking about it.

It also means you can play around with horror conventions and that can f thing. This zombie like woman walking the hall. It sets up the comedy better for when she starts to bark her gibberish.

Rick.

Rick, excellent suggestion, thanks. Dave.

Hey there, David.

I like your joke and I think you execute it well. Since it's only 9 pages, it's a pretty fast read, however, there were some things that popped up which slowed me down.

Let's start with the basic things that popped out.

Now, I don't know if this was the case, but it seems to me that you wrote this script and submitted it right away. (I know I get excited when I finish a script and submit before proofreading, which is the only reason I'm suggesting this scenario) Whether this was the case or not, the result was a handful of misspellings and grammatical errors.

Most of these are simple things which I'm sure given a quick edit would fix no problem.

EX: PG. 3

"Dave attempts to get out of bed and a grimaces as he stands up."

Quite obviously a typo but it did distract me.

EX: PG. 4

                            DAVE
"I may need you 'do' drive me to the hospital..."

Again, simple typo but  these are red flags to any script reader. It might suggest amateur writing or simply not caring. Neither are good impressions.

So, again, a quick read through, edit and you'll be fine.

The next thing that stood out to me was clunky dialogue and action blocks. For the dialogue, I tried reading certain things out loud and for one, the flow of the lines didn't quite work for me. Also, some of the phrasing doesn't sound like a normal person talking. For the action blocks, I think you can  streamline some of them in order to make the overall flow and read of your script faster and more enjoyable.

I'm gonna use the  PG 3 example from above.

"Dave attempts to get out of bed and a grimaces as he stands up."

Maybe try rewriting it into:

"Dave grimaces as he struggles to stand."

We already know he's on the bed, no need to mention that and now we have more white space and an action block that flows better.

A line of dialogue that I think could be written over is

JACK
And as she was yelling at me, she
was eating chips and spraying them  (Who would use the word "spraying" to describe someone dropping chips?)
everywhere and now there's chips
all over my bedroom floor.

Read it out loud. It doesn't sound like what a contemporary character would say.

JACK
And she was eating chips and dropping them all over the floor. Oh, my god.

To me, this is closer to what someone would actually say. It sounds too formal the way you wrote it.

Anyways, like I said, I really enjoyed the joke and the punchline is very nice. I like dark comedies and this is something I would watch.

So I would suggest a second read through, not necessarily a re-write but definitely a clean-up edit and this will go from a good little script to a GREAT script.

Keep up the good work, can't wait to see more.

Happy Writing!

-Austin