Gothic Dance by Spencer McDonald - Short - A Gothic teen finds peace and happiness on a dance floor. (5 pages) - pdf, format 8)

Review: Gothic Dance

Technically:

P1 - Dancer ignore the scene - dancers

Sasha and Salma are so similar that it can make it difficult to distinguish them one from the other but, for some reason, it seemed to work all right here. I didn’t have much problem but someone else might. Just something to consider.

Cyrus points a pointy finger tip - a little redundant, maybe Cyrus extends a pointy finger or something.

Be careful with the fade outs in the middle of a script. I almost always think I’m at the end. If I were in a hurry - as agents or producers might be - I might have closed it up at that point.

P3 - Salma eyes blink open - Salma’s

P3 - over to Salma hands outstretched for her - could be - over to Salma, hands outstretched for her - or - over to Salma, his hands outstretched for her. That would be clearer.

P4 - gapping - gaping

P5 - Salma finger - Salma’s

P5 - Dancer bang and jump - Dancers

Overall, I thought the format was very well done. You’ve improved considerably since the last time I read something of yours.

The Story:

*****SPOILERS*****

Spencer, again, I have to say that you’ve improved a great deal since the last time I read something from you. This seemed very inspired. It’s very visual. And I felt it effectively demonstrated the rage one might feel in Salma’s situation.

I also felt it effectively used symbolism to show the emotional limbo a person can find themselves in when grieving. It’s a story of grief, a powerful emotional phenomenon known for causing delusions.

“You must choose. You have no choice.” Interesting line. At first, I thought it might have been an oversight but I kind of like it. It goes with the “border of oblivion” theme.

Overall, I thought it was a job well done.


Breanne

Hi Breanne

Thank you for the read and review. Your feedback is noted. I will go in and make those corrections. I don't know, lately I've been missing the ends of words. Especially those that end in S. Even if I proof read, I still tend to miss it. Thanks for the catch.

Spencer

this definitely had its positive elements, but there were a few things that got to me. i am by no means familar with gothic culture, but it kinda of seemed like it was written from an outsiders perspective. The old saying write what you know applies here.
there were a few too many references to "daddy", not sure if you could come up with something else that would still convey the same message, it was a little overkill.
Pg. 5, you wrote My Chemical Death plays on", not My chemical romance.
Besides the previous issues you really did a good job of describing the atmosphere. the descriptions were to the point and very visual. Overall it was a good read.

I didn't like your descriptions. They kinda took me out of the story. This was better than "Logging Road" though. Sorry I didn't give a thorough review, there's just not much to say outside of I thought it was decent. Nice try.

7 out of 10

Zack

Thanks N7 and Zack.

I am curious Zack, what exactly didn't you like about my descriptions other than, "they kinda took me out of the story."

For a short five pager this one was hard to write for me. It had some special scenes that are always a bugger to write so the film maker gets it. I continue to work on my craft.

N7 thanks for the catch on My Chemical Death. It was just an error, not intentional at all. I will correct those things you and Breanne bring up.

Spencer

A fine point, Spencer:

"My Chemical Romance" is not a gothic band, but an "Emo" band.  No, I am not clear what the difference is, exactly -- I suspect many "emo" are not even clear on this themselves -- but they are different.

Not many people will care, of course, but those who do care about such things will care.

It's just a point of authenticity I'm tossing out there for ya'.

Hey Spencer

I found this interesting ina strange way.  A young girl's lose grip on life.  The grief of a lost parent and the emotion of music drives her to suicide.  I do wonder if 'My Chemical Romance' would be pleased that it is them the girl is listening to when she decides to end her own life?  Not a good selling point for their music or is it?

You descriptions are short and sweet and not at all how I write but it gives you individuality which is important.  It's also very visual with the struggle of choice between heaven and hell.

To get the most from reading this you should listen to said band to create the correct atmosphere...hey maybe a music video coming on here?

Not bad at all, I enjoyed it.

Spencer,

   I thought your descriptions were very beautifully written, but maybe just a little too much for almost any director to take on.  Mainly, I'm talking about the battle between Heaven and Hell's soldiers.  I don't want to say that it was too cheesy or too unreal, because I definately get what you were going after.  I think it just might have been a little over-the-top.

   I think the conversation she had with her father in limbo would've been enough to let us know what's going on.

   At first, I didn't like how she was using the word 'daddy' all the time when she was screaming for him on the dance floor.  If my dad had left me, I sure wouldn't be calling him 'daddy'.  But then, after we found out that he had killed himself and he was dead, it made much more sense that she kept calling him 'daddy'.  I like how you did that.

   All in all, I found the story all right and I wouldn't mind reading other stuff of yours.

   -Mark

I just read this and I must agree with Zack--your descriptions took me out of the story as well. They were adequately short, yes, but at times hard to read.

I find it hard to give you examples because it's a PDF document, but try taking a look at Salma's description. It just doesm't make sense. I'm not sure what the problem was but it sounded awkward. Try to work on your punctuation and use less fragmented sentences, I know fragments are allowed in screenwriting but you went overboard.

--Julio

Thanks Julio.

Spencer,

This is an involving story. It's filled with interesting images. It's ambitious. I wonder, though, given the page count, if it isn't too ambitious?

I say this beacuse there is so much going on, visually, that at times, the descriptives feel tedious -- overwritten. If the piece was longer, more drawn out, this wouldn't, I don't think, be a problem. This is just my opinion and I've been accused of being too minimalistic, so consider the source.

I think I was confused. I thought Salma's dad simply left, divorced. It seems he killed himself. That makes a big difference.  

In that case, my biggest problem was with Smyernia & Cyrus, good verses evil: this angle seemed cliched. I would've rather Salma's emotions be less defined -- more conflicted.

Still, I agree that this would make an excellent video. I like the dark tone.  

Seth  
    

I found this script to be very tedious with the whole Daddy thing, and found that to be quite annoying as I read Salma's dialogue. What bugged me most is how confusing this is for me as a whole. I'm confused at who Daddy is... Is it her dad? Is it a guy who is called daddy, and the bloody pin?

I'm sorry, but this does need work, Spencer. I sound so harsh, and I hate sounding this way when giving reviews. I read a few of your other scripts, and this one is vastly different from the others.

You've also got a few grammar errors here and there. Nothing that hasn't been pointed out already.

This script just needs some re-working, and it could be an artsy script that could easilly be enjoyed be anyone.

Sorry to sound so negative, but it needs work...

Seth and Stigmata thank you for reading. This was a short 5 and under contest script. I have been toying with more brief desciptions and I think it is giving people heartache because it is too brief. Sorry. I am losing that approach and writing more adequate descriptions.