The Dark Past by William Phelps - Short, Action - A man slips back to his dark past as a hitman and suffers the loss of his wife. 4 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi, Will, well, dude I didn't catch it. I don't know why, man. Maybe it is just me. I prefer to see how the others SSs will say about it. Sorry, pal!

I'll read it again, okay?

Well the formatting seemed fine to me and the dialog was suitable for the script...but I didn't really get the story.

Okay so from your logline and a bit of info from the script I know he is a hired killer and it is obvious his wife knows about it. So why is she leaving him now? What's changed in their relationship.

I mean I also get that he hadn't done it for a while and probably said he wouldn't. But if she knew what his profession was and didn't like it, why marry him.

That leads me to my last two questions. Who was he being hired to kill (or who was hiring him) and why would he tell his wife he was thinking about taking up the offer (or even got one) if he knew it would upset her?

Also what was with the glass smashing at the end? Was his target coming to get him before he got his mark?

It had an interesting idea at the core, but unfortunately it did not come across very well in the few pages you gave it.  Perhaps if you developed it a bit more into, say a 20 page short, you can give us more background on the characters so that we feel something for them.

Mmm.... I just didn't get this either.

Not sure there's enough story to it.  So he takes a job and loses his wife, he's been paid so I assume he's done the hit so what's with the end?  At first I thought he was gonna top himself but...oh I don't know, glass breaking?

I think this needs more to achieve what you set out to.

What is this?

WILLIAM PHELPS help me out here. I don't get what this story is all about and as long as I dont, I won't even go into the many format issues that need to be adressed in this script.

Is this part of a much longer script - it certainly feels like it has to be.

Yeah, Will.  Unfortunately, I have to go with everybody else here.  Especially the formatting issues.

Not only did it feel like the story started from nowhere, but it ended up there, too.

Thanks for the supportive feedback guys, appriciate it a lot. Guess I wasn't TOO clear on things that are still in my head haha. Well first off the whole thing about his wife leaving him is because she's upset because he told her that he wouldn't slip back to his past as a hit man and that she doesn't want to live with a person like this. So she then leaves him. The whole thing about the end of the glass breaking and etc., is that the person who he killed has people in high places and they went after him. Thanks for the feedback, I think I'll take another try at this script to make your unanswered questions answered and what not.

Thanks a lot guys!

Hi,

Dont really have much to add as I agree with many of the above comments but thought I'd write a note anyways as I did read it.

For me it was simply just too short.  I agree with an above comment made that it started from nowhere and ended up there too.  Having said that I like the idea.  But at only 4 pages that is all it is.  I would like to see you expand on this as the premise could take you in all kinds of directions.

Good luck,

Matt.