Friday by Steven Smith - Short - A young man's memories of a very drunk Friday night. 9 pages - fdr, format 8)

Friday by Steven Smith - Short - A young man's memories of a very drunk Friday night. 9 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi Steven,

You will probably get a lot more readers if you post the script as a .pdf or .doc file.


Cheers
Rob

Not bad.

SPOILERS:


The sex scene and the dialogue with his friends immediately afterwards was the high point.

Some thoughts:

Quoted Text RON (to himself) Why the fuck am I on the Bathroom floor?

Remember, SHOW NOT TELL. As a screenwriter this should be tattooed on your mind and perhaps even the back of our hand.

One confused look around the room tells us all we need to know.

Quoted Text RON (CONT'D) (to himself)Oh. My head! That must have been a crazy party.

Same problem. He just has to grab his head like it hurts.

You have a tendency to overwrite the dialogue. Less is more.

Quoted Text VIV I?m doing biology. Maybe you?d like to go upstairs and I can show you my -

Just biology is fine. Small matter but they add up over time. Keep it tight.

Quoted Text Ron and Viv start kissing again. The covers are pulled over the couple as some Barry White starts playing and the camera pans to the clock on the bedside cabinet. It reads 10:34. Giggling can be heard. Camera continues to the window where a cat is at the window watching the show. The cats looks horrified at the show. The camera pans back to the clock to show 10:37. The camera continues back to the bed to see Ron, staring at the ceiling with a look of disbelief and Viv, lying next to him, with a smile on her face.

Never have a block of action like this. Break it down. The rule is 4 lines maximum. Leave out camera directions, that is the directors job. Keep everything in the present tense.

Ron and Viv kiss. BARRY WHITE plays over the RADIO. They pull the covers over themselves. An ALARM CLOCK on the bed-side table reads 10:34. ETC

One thing about the story, why does he stop just because she has come. Women can have multiple orgasms generally speaking. If she is that easy to satisfy he should be able to give her a proper seeing to. :P

On average it takes a man 1 minute to reach orgasm and a woman 1:30. Just so you know. :)


I also thought the end petered out a little. Once the sex scene was over there wasn't much dramatic tension. The ending was nice, though I'd be tempted to have him ringing CJ and ask them what they are doing tonight. It would give it a greater kick.

Cheers, Rick.

Ron was a nice example of how the young hold themselves. How old was he?

Inspite of most of massive paragraphs, flashbacks going and coming and of course it was in Final Draft format, I liked it. Welcome to the team of the writers crazy about sex!

I hope you are a regular in here!

let me ask you a a stupid question: why Asian woman not a caucasian one?

firstly i'd like to say thanks to everyone whos read this. You can probably guess but this is the first script i've wrote and im extremely grateful for all the comments especially rick's.

I'm going to take in all ure pieces of advice and try to rewrite some of the script.
On the woman leaving after sex, i felt that it would help convey that she wasn't there for him. Just to get some for herself.

Also i realised that i'd sent the script in the wrong format after i'd sent it. so i apologise for that.

To helio, Ron was 18.
Also the reason she was asian is that the story isn't entirely fictional and that part actually happened to my friend. So i thought i'd put that bit in. It also reminds me a little bit of piece in scrubs where JD is meant to be helping the janitor move house but is actually robbing an old asian couple.
Thanks again and any more comments good or bad are more than welcome!