The Luck Of One by marshallamps12 - Short - The nerdy boy, Benjamin Bernard, finally gets some luck on his side. - html, format 8)

This is the first short that I've written that wasn't for a Simply Scripts challenge. I'd greatly appreciate it if you guys could give me some criticisms where it's needed.

Your opening descriptive is seven lines long. Such blocks shouldn't exceed four lines. That said, break it up, or, better yet, shorten it.

Economy is important. If a word or phrase can be removed with little or no loss of meaning, then consider removing it. For example, you could cut "In the few moments that she talks on the phone," or any number of adverbs.

On to the story: Interesting. I like the concept. It could, though, be better executed. It felt a little too dense, a little too compact. Things, especially after the first SUPER, move too quickly.  

You might consider allowing Benjamin and Jen's relationship to unfold more slowly. This would allow you more time to play up your concept. To better set it up -- to create more of a build.

Great concept,

Seth

Thanks for the review, Seth. This short was kind of just a demo of sorts. I have had ideas to expand the concept into something bigger, and also the relationship as well. I wrote it as a short first just to see if I could get down what I had lingering on my mind for the past few months or so. I'm still debating whether or not I will expand upon some of the ideas presented in here.

The gun going off was a definite WTF moment, but it was good, it got the story moving.  For that one scene in particular I would've like to see a gradual build up, maybe she fumbles the gun in her hands or something else.
Like Seth said, tons of your dialogue and descriptions could be trimmed. Even though the dialogue was wordy it was still good, especially detective spade. I pictured Benjamin as being very fidgety and not making eye contact with her, but then once they know each other better he may have relaxed a bit. Overall it has a lot of potential.

Your first description is too wordy, like a novel not a script.  This can be shortened with ease to make reading quicker.  It's the comparisons that aren't needed, like writing 'nerd'.

You don't need to write that Benjamin doesn't say anything cos we know if he doesn't speak.  Good dialogue though.

Benjamin shoots Jen then seems calm when answering the door but then crying in the station.

Spade drags out his questioning without actually asking the question, don't know if this is intentional?

Ok I finished and the ending tied things up nice, I liked it.

I think Benjamin's and Jen's conversation goes on too long but it is explained why later.  The twist with spade works well but I felt this needs tightening, there's a lot that could be chopped out.  I don't mean story wise, just words.  The story itself is interesting and well thought out.

This is the first time I actually understand the phrase "a long paragraph intiminates the reader." It's the end of the day and I'm already tired and seeing that long first paragraph of your script made me really not wanna read it. Use 5 paragraphs or less.

About your writing (I still haven't gotten past the first paragraph), you have to show it, not tell it, show us how he has clutzy mannerisms and so on, and don't ever use an "ing" word (a word that ends with "ing", like swimming) in action paragraphs in a script. Write "swims".

Don't say "they shake hands" in a parenthetical. A parenthetical is supposed to tell the actor how to deliver the line.

"BENJAMIN (CONT’D)
                      Do you still want to know?"

I'm confused, how could he have continued to speak when they just kissed?


I'll give you some credit to building up tension though, I'm really starting to wonder what the twist ending is gonna be like. A setup like this just screams "twist ending!"


"BENJAMIN
                      Well, it’s true. People aren’t supposed
                      to change this much in so little amount
                      of time. I can’t believe how different my
                      life was before I met you.
                      I mean, I talk to people now, and by
                      that, I mean that I really talk to
                      people. I can be outgoing, I can be...

                                JEN
                      Alive?

                                BENJAMIN
                      Yes! "

This really speaks to me. This exact same thing happened to me with a girl. Very good.

Um, about the start of the gun scene... You might want to mention in an action paragraph that she's holding a gun first. This was a bit confusing.

You're too rushed. Slow down a bit, how did the detective know that he shot her so fast? Immediately when she was shot though I was hoping it would turn out as a suspense homage to film noir with h im trying to cover up the murder and the body from the person on the door. Didn't work out that way though but you did mention noir in your description of him. I like that.

Cliche police? Credit for an unexpected twist, I'll give you that. lol.

"DETECTIVE SPADE
                      No, it’s not just a story. It violates
                      everything we stand for! Look at what you
                      wrote! How many times must there be a
                      “shy boy meets outgoing girl” story? Then
                      they fall in love? Then the changed boy
                      laments over how the girl has changed
                      him? See, if you write this, then it
                      continues the trend. If you continue the
                      trend, then more people will write
                      stories like this, and so on and so on."

I'm inspired. As I said, this happened to me... Makes you think that I'm not alone. I'll think twice before writing about it:) hehe.

Done. Boy now, that's a thinker. You gotta explain to me the meaning of that! :D Top marks for plot, low marks for format. Keep writing, you show promise!