Withdrawl by Anthony Hudson (alffy) - Short - In need of money, a desperate families last hope lies with the bank. 4 pages - pdf, format 8)

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Allfy,

All the elements are there, but not exploited in a way that, as a reader, I find satisfying. It was well written -- but lacked suspence. In fact, it was apparent, right from the get-go, that daddy was going to rob the bank. That Debbi was ill, though, did come as a surprise. I wonder if three pages are just too few to pull off this type of story?  

-- On page three, you refer to Catherine as Christine.

Seth

Hi Alffy,

Not bad.

I agree with Seth that it was obvious he was going to rob the bank. The opening dialogue leaves no room for any other interpretation.

This being the case, I thought that it was going to be a comedy. There was something comical about the transition between the bedroom scene and the bank when I first read it, although looking at it again I can't see it. Maybe it's because I've read your other stuff so it prejudiced my view.

The ending is quite powerful, which is an achievement in such a short space of time.

It's been done before in Dog Day Afternoon, although for a slightly different reason, but there we go.

Cheers guys I didn't even know this was up yet.

Don't know how I missed the Catherine/Christine thing oops!

Just wanted to try something different, meaning other than comedy.  Maybe it needs more work?  I was trying to keep it short and as restricted the surprise element I think.

Anyway thanks again for reading this so quickly.

I'm not sure what you were trying to do with this. It was well written and well paced. The "twist", if you call it a twist, was unexpected.

I get the feeling you really wanted to emphasize on character with this script, but the problem is that the script is to short! If you were to add 2-3 pages I think you could really flesh out the characters alot better. Maybe have Micheal and John talk a little while waiting in line. That would give the climax a bit more impact.

I don't know. This isn't my favorite from you. It's just not as clever as some of you're other work. You're writing is spot on, but this script lacks a soul.

On a sidenote, this kinda reminded me of the Sandman's subplot in Spiderman 3.

~Zack~

Thanks Zack, not seen spidey 3 so can't comment.

I just wanted to write a 'short', no more than 3 pages.  I think it came out ok but maybe could be better, but only by adding to it.

I see you've got another short up 'dirty business 2', i'll give it once over.  I have submitted a third draft of 'the big stiff' if your interested, it's quite different now (I think so anyway).

in spiderman 3 the sandman defies the law to save his sick little girl. About the Big Stiff, I'll check it out.

~Zack~

This was a pretty solid read as is but I still think it could have been better. When you first introduced the V.O. before Michael attempts to rob the bank, I assumed that the sound had been omitted. Obviously, that was not the case. I do think the script would have read better without sound and simply the mother and daughter speaking over the robbery. It'd feel more subtle and, at the same time, more reliant on visuals for storytelling, which is how something this probably should be. The alarm and the police syrens, you could probably keep though. It'd be difficult to communicate them without sound and, even though I think it could be done, it wouldn't work as well. Anyway, just my thoughts. You got a lot done with this script within a very short duration and did it well IMO. Good job.

Cheers for the read James.

I like your suggestion about a voice over throughout, I might look into that.  Weirdly I pictured this in blank and white in my head anyway so a voice over might cap it off. lol.  I'll make some improvements and post it again this week.

Hi

I like the pace and narrative structure, I felt it worked well. A little obvious perhaps but that's not a criticism.

2 basic points (that could be ignored):

- "A sadden look..." - not sure about the word sadden - just sad would work.

- Woollen not woolen (only because you are UK based).


The elements of the bank are a little confusing. In your introduction you say that the Dad is waiting to see the Bank Manager but he appears to be waiting in a teller queue (cash desk).
"Michael throws a bag over the counter" - counters nowadays are sealed units with a sliding drawer to exchange. When the alarms sound, shutters come down over the sealed unit windows ensuring the safety of the staff.
Either the script requires a suspension of reality or you need to find a way around this.

I hope this helps, because I love what you have done in 4 pages.

best wishes

kris

Thanks for the read Kris, you've pick up some good points here.

I'm currently rewriting this and trying to keep it under 5 pages.  Your right about the cash desk thing I'll have to look into that lol.  As for the bank security, I live in a small town where I doubt our banks have such devices so I guess I just forgot about them.

Anyway thanks for the read Kris.

Hey Anthony, for a four pager this was really good, you told a complete story here, and in four pages which can be difficult to do, but you pulled it off quite nicely.

One thing is the way Michael was dressed, you see a guy like that walk into a bank you know what he is about to do.  Maybe if he was in a suit and tie, I think that would throw the audience off, you wouldn't see it coming.

The confrontation with John at the door did seem strange.  Why didn't he just get out of the way?  I don't get why he thinks he would be able to get the gun from Michael, unless he was like a cop or something.

Besides that I thought this was pretty good.  Well done. :D

hey alffy,

What a sad story this is. Was John involved in Micheal's problem? I ask since I got the vibe from reading it. Especially when he stares at Micheal. Something I think people would normally not due in those situations.

I think also the saw off shotgun should change into a pistol. the saw off shotgun if I am correct holds two bullets; the pistol holds more so I think he would have a better advantage over the people. the size of the barrel doesn't matter in this case but how much bullets one can shoot since there are alot of people.

Hope these help,

Gabe

Cheers for the read Jordan.

I wanted people to think John was Christine's husband and so making Michael the obvious robber didn't matter too much.  Fair point about John not getting out of Michael's way but I guess I just wanted him to freeze with fear and then do something courageous.

Gabe, thanks too for the read.

The sawn off shotgun comes from living in England.  Most bank are held up by shotguns as pistols are harder to come by, especially by a family man as in Michael's case.  I never really thought of tying John into Michael's story but it's something I'll look into.

The rewrite is taking shape and I think I've tightened it pretty well.  It now consists of V.O. from Christine and Debbie but I think it works quite well.  Hopefully I'll have it up this week.

You could lose the gun altogether and have him use a water pistol in his pocket. That would make him even more pathetic and desperate.

He would have to purchase a shotgun illegally unless he had a gun licence, and I doubt he would have one, (and he wouldn't know how to saw it off)so they would be expensive.

A water pistol would show that he was practically on the edge of sanity, but didn't want to hurt anyone.

He could then be shot byan armed police officer arriving on the scene. Banks have silent alarms BTW so it could be pressed without him knowing giving an officer time to arrive.

Rick.

Cheers Rick for your thoughts.

I'm changing the alarm situation as this has been mentioned earlier but thanks for pointing it out.

I may change the gun to a knife as this would still show extreme measures and wipe out the gun purchase altogether.

Just a heads up that this is now a second draft if anyones interested in reading.

This was pretty damn cool but I saw all the bank scenes like they were in slow motion, I think you'd get a better feeling that way.

Cheers for giving this a read so quickly Daniel.  Nice idea about the slow motion but I guess that really be down to the director.  I had imagined the bank scenes to be in black and white in contrast to bright colours for the bedroom scenes.

Sorry, but this script didn't work for me.

The daughter and mother dialouge juxtaposed with crisis in bank just seemed manipultive and obvious. It has been done before many times.

The short shorts that work the best are  all about the surprise idea that comes out of nowhere and is innovative and shocking. That's all you got time for.

But it's only a four page script and what's most important you've gained some writing experience. It is well written and formatted.  I just found the idea  just a bit tired.

But I do agree with the above that you have pulled off a full story with a begin/middle/end. That's very  hard to do in the space of five pages or less.

That's why you never see me write a four page script.  
  

Hey Tonkatough, no worries mate.  Each to their own opinion and I fully respect that.  

I guess your right about the story not been original but the point you made about a good exercise pleases me cos that's what I did it for really.  I was trying to write a story in under 5 pages and so I think I achieved this.

Sometimes an idea just pops into my head and I roll with it.  This one did so I went for it, so to speak.  

Anywho thanks for the read.  I'm looking for a feature to read so I think I'll take a look at one of yours if you like (to get my own back lol, only joking).  Which would you prefer me to read cos I'm not fussy.

Actually Alffy. I would much prefer you to read my short. I uploaded it a few days ago so keep an eye out for it as it is coming soon.

Plus I'd like to sample more of your work. Any other one of your shorts you wish me to read? A favourite?

Hey Alffy

Overall, a decent story. I did get derailed in the opening desciptions. You have the mother sitting on the end of the bed. Then you bring a daughter into the scene and the mother kisses her. Hmmm.

This is where my feable mind went off track. Maybe you could combine those two sentences of description into one. Give the mother more of an emotional tone, body language or something and cuddling up to her daughter in a soft yet fretful way. I don't know just a thought.

Two thumbs up from me.

Spencer McDonald

Tonkatough I be sure to keep an eye out for your short.  

As far as my shorts go, I lean toward 'The Big Stiff'.  

Oh my, I just read over that sentence again and it can read two very different ways! Lol.

Spencer, thanks for the read.  I'll look over your suggestion and see if I can work on it.

Hey alffy, just finished this reading this piece.

Although I’m more of a popcorn moviegoer, and my cinematic diet doesn’t usually include dramas, I must say I enjoyed this one.

SPOILERS

I liked the twist at the end. Just when I though that daddy was about to be killed by a desperate criminal, daddy turns out to be the desperate criminal. Clichés are a great source for story ideas if you know how to play against them.

The premise was competently executed and I haven’t got any relevant criticism to make.

I only wonder if you could escalate the conflict right from the start by having mom and Debbie talking about more pressing economic needs, like grandma’s medicine, instead of luxuries like a new bike or pet.

Fairly well written on the technical side, although you could trim some bits:

“She is in her mid thirties” could be reduced to “(30’s)” after the character's name.

Good job, man.

Mr Z, cheers for the read.

I always get the 'you over write' statement, I guess that's just my style.

Anyway glad you enjoyed it and thanks for the feedback.  I just glad the ending came as a surprise, as it was suppose to.

Thanks.

Hey Alffy,

Nice work!

I try to stay on top of script submissions, but when I went to the "scripts I have written" page I noticed you had a few shorts I had not read and even a feature!!  Good for you! I might take a look at the feature once I'm finished with a bunch of stuff that's keeping me busy at the moment.

Anyway,

I thought you did really well with this. I liked how you handled the V.O and the fact that he was not robbing the bank and also Debbie's situation. All very well done. I have no complaints what so ever about the story.

My only complaint was your scene headings not saying DAY or NIGHT. It was confusing at first when debbie was in bed because I assumed it was night time and therefore didn't get how John could be at the bank at night in the following scene. Extremely easy fixes though.

Great job!!  :)

PS. is it withdrawl or withdrawal?

Pia, thanks for checking this out.

I submitted this a long time ago and can barely remember it myself, I'm glad you liked it though.

As for my one and only feature posted, well I was re-writing it a while back but I was never happy with it.  I just wanted to write something that had a surprise ending.

I do have a feature that I plan to submit in the next few months, actually I'm holding off until I'm happy with the re-write.  I'm also working on a longer script which may reach the 'feature' length lol.

Thanks again for the read and if you want me to read anything of yours, you only need to ask ;)

Oh and it's withdrawl, and I never even thought of Withdrawal...I know where to come for title suggestions now lol.

alffy,

If I were a paid script reader, I most likely would've stopped reading because of the grammar, (several comma's missing), but HEY I'm nobody important!
I love the use of V.O. from Catherine as her hubby robs the bank. The brutal tension of the bank scene blended with the calm dialogue between mother and daughter would be exciting to watch on the big screen. Nice segue between the slam of the diary cover and the teller windows. The premise gives plenty of visual drama that a smart director would most likely love to take a crack at. Curious if this is in production?

Hey Wes,

Wow this is an oldie you've dug up here.  Sorry about the grammar issues, I probably rushed this out.  I actually rewrote this but never posted it as I was contacted by a school teacher who wanted their class to shoot it but in the end he thought the bank scene was viable.  I may upload the revamped version now as you've pushed this up.

Cheers for the read.