The New Twilight Zone by Gary Khajadourian (Armo Writer) - Short, Sci Fi, Teleplay - A young soldier fighting in the Iraq War journeys from the battlefield to a place that can only be found in the darkest corners of the Twilight Zone. 34 pages - doc, format 8)

Any and all constructive criticism is very much appreciated.  Thank you

Hey Armo,

I'm a huge Twilight Zone fan, so I'll give this a read in the next day or so.

A good way to get reviews is to review the work of others, or offer a script exchange on the Script Exchange board.

Welcome.  :)

Thank you Chris for reading and thanks for the tip

Not twilight zone. there is no gotcha like a twilight zone. twilight zones, at least the classic ones, had those amazing endings that set you on your ear.

what you have is more like touched by an angel set in the afterlife, but not twilight zone. the pre-death action is right out of clear and present danger, but clothed in current day iraq.

it was interesting though. i like the dialog after the protag arrived in the hereafter.

Hey Gary,

I thought your writing style was very descriptive, yet economical and the formatting was fine. However, you might want to try using the Celtx program which looks better and can be downloaded for free:http://www.celtx.com/

SPOLIERS

When I began reading this I was hoping most of the action was going to take place in Baghdad, so I was a little disappointed when the story jumped into the new location. Perhaps the story could remain in Baghdad, with John in an impossible situation. Lu appears and says “I can get you out this if you just follow me.” Perhaps in true Twilight Zone fashion everything could freeze except for Lu and John, whilst they stroll the now quite streets of Baghdad, discussing Lu's proposal. Once John tells him to shove it, John could immediately find himself back in the situation Lu found him in, with the enemy closing in on him. Accepting his fate, John could take a deep breath and charge into eternity.

I also thought the revelation that Lu was John's father that was a bit of a let down because it really had no connection with the rest of the story and I don’t think it’s  necessary. John could still be in the same situation, with the same choice to make, regardless of whether Lu was his dad or not. You should consider dropping that, because I don’t think it serves any purpose.

All in all I liked this, but with some more work I think it could be better.

Hey man, I'm not sure if this resembles the old Twilight Zone or not, quite frankly because I've never watched it before.

Try not to include redundant paragrahs or things that can't be recorded on camera. Like on your opening paragraph, you don't need to say "the city has seen much combat" because you made that clear with "There is rubble and burnt out cars on every corner." Try to avoid stuff like this in the future. It could make your descriptions shorter and quicker to read.

As for the story, well, it held my interest, but war-based films ain't really my cup of tea, you know? I thought it was a decent screenplay. And for the angel...just call him Lu sthe first time you introduce him, because no ne likes "Man" and "Man 2" characters. By the way, did you take your inspiration from "Lucifer, the biblical character?"

Oh, and don't include a page number on your title page :)

  

Hey Armo, I'm a fan of the original Twilight Zone series and thought this started out perfectly. However, I very much agree with Chris Reid. The switch to a new location took me completely out of the story. I like his idea to 'freeze' everything and for John and Lu to discuss the deal.

Your dialogue is great. I felt as thought the characters were speaking very much in their own voices. I think you have a knack for that.

Your descriptions were also excellent. I could nit-pick them but there is no need. They set the tone and created a very crisp picture of the scene.

Quoted Text John could immediately find himself back in the situation Lu found him in, with the enemy closing in on him. Accepting his fate, John could take a deep breath and charge into eternity.

This I like. The whole heaven/hell thing I did not. It is sooooo played out and to tell you, I'm sick of biblical themes. I mean, really sick of them.
I would take Chris Reid's advice seriously and rewrite it with his criticicsm.