Homage by  Kris Griffin - Short - The days of freedom are long behind us, even the art of film is now a governed aspect of society. A small group of people break the rules and fight for their viewing rights. 18 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi everyone

This is my second script (the first was Audition). Any feedback good or bad is always appreciated.

many thanks and best wishes

Kris

Hey Kris, I'll say this first...the best way to get reads is to read others and they'll repay the favour.

Anyway to start with, you don't need DAYTIME in your logline as DAY will do fine.  Also stick to DAY and NIGHT rather than specific times like EVENING.

I wouldn't include descriptions that use the term 'like' as for people who haven't seen Brief Encounters wont know what you mean.  Just describe it the way you picture it.

The opening seems like a commercial for piracy, which is I guess what you were aiming for.

When Paige begins to talk I got very confused, first I thought it was meant to be a voice over but then realised she was talking into a phone or something.  This isn't clear at all.  Also have some action between the dialogue as the amount of pauses grows tedious.

Again you put 2 hours later in your logline, the viewer wont know this.  If this is important you could use a super to inform the viewer.

Bill says 'we didn't know if you were late, chico, or the late chico' What?

Suzi runs off first but follows the others through the door?  Did they pass her?

Your dialogue is great, very realistic but sometimes and only sometimes its to on the nose. e.g. when Bill tells Suzi her suit will heal her.  Surely she would know this, so it is only there to tell the viewer this makes it very unnatural.  Also Paige says 'trapped, now what'.

The group are in serious danger and Bill starts to sound of like a politician.  He rabbits on filling in a complete backstory and it just sounds like a government warning about the seriousness of piracy and where it could lead.

Why does the voice say 'shoot to kill' and safety catches are taken off.  Haven't they already being trying to kill them, they almost killed Bill.

I understand your intentions but basically it's a story about freedom of choice and corporate money grabbing, or I think it is?  They may be a underlining point in here but I lost it.  It all seems a little to factual and informative for me.

Like I said your dialogue is strong at times but the story didn't work for me.

Hi Alffy and thanks for the time and effort you put into reading the script.

I take your point about reading and posting about others and I'll make the effort now.

Many of your posts I will certainly use and make changes. I am aware that the speech from Bill makes the 2nd half slower and the change of pace concerns me.

There are some obvious bits i've missed too with Suzi running first, the healing suit and the shooting. It's only when others read it you get to pick up on these - so i thank you for them.

Allow me to comment on just a couple of things you mention. The line 'we didn't know if you were late, chico, or the late chico' is Bill asking Chico firstly is he was late or secondly if he had died  because he was late (being the late Chico). Bill was being witty. It's also worth mentioning that this is a quote from a famous film which leads me to my second point.

Although the story does need work, especially if readers like yourself don't think it's worked. The method behind the entire script is a tip of the hat or a Homage to films in general. The script is littered with quotes, characters, references and situations from films, some are obvious, others not so much. This is the underlying point that you speak of and the main thrust of the narrative; to deliver the homage. I'm unsure if you picked up on this at all?

I've some work to do on this one it seems and I'm confident it'll be a better script due to your feedback so thanks.

best wishes

Kris

Quoted from krisg Hi Alffy and thanks for the time and effort you put into reading the script. There are some obvious bits i've missed too with Suzi running first, the healing suit and the shooting. It's only when others read it you get to pick up on these - so i thank you for them. Kris

I do this too, I read my scripts over and over and then others read and point out the obvious mistakes, I'm like how did I miss those!

Yeah I didn't pick up on the homage, don't know how I didn't lol.  If you break down the dialogue from Bill, I think it would flow better.  Also if you can show us things like the suit healing rather than just telling us.  There's much to work on but it's by no means unachievable.

Bill's speech kills the pace - so i need to totally re-write or re-work his character. Decisions, decisions.

thanks again.