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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board / Short Scripts / Justin and his Mom
Posted by: Don, July 21st, 2007, 3:15pm
Justin and his Mom by Helio J Corderio - Short - It is about son and mother who resent each other and have no one else in their lives. 11 pages - pdf, format 8)
Posted by: Alfred Hitchcock, July 21st, 2007, 6:48pm; Reply: 1
Having only read the synophisis my initial reaction is: interesting prospect.
Just got to the dream scene with the mother burning, up till now it's just been another Helio story, a good and very real situation which just screams "twist ending!" but like that's it. ...Now, when I read the dream scene and found out that it was in fact a dream and not real (I thought Justin had set fire to the trailer to kill his mom) it caught my interest. This was very well done.
And here we have the trailer on fire again! And we totally think the mom's inside but then we find out she's outside! I really aplaud you on your ability to add a good twists to a scene.
As for the ending, I half expected a twist in the ending too but didn't get it and I sort of look at that as a twist, if you know what I mean.
I always enjoy these shorts Helio, keep them coming!
And take a look at "Knockaround Guys" just posted in the shorts section. :) That short means a lot to me.
Posted by: spencerforhire, July 21st, 2007, 7:36pm; Reply: 2
Helio, my friend. You have created another master piece. Great story. I can really see your writing improvement over the past year.
Spencer
Posted by: Helio, July 22nd, 2007, 3:51pm; Reply: 3
Hey, Daniel and Spencer!
Spencer, I hope to get an oportunity with the Indians like you! ;-)
Yeah Daniel, I thought to write another twist at the end, but there were two of them and they seemed to me enough. Thanks for you kind words, dude. I'll read your short soon, wait a little bit, okay?
Posted by: CindyLKeller, July 23rd, 2007, 7:57am; Reply: 4
Hey Helio,
I just read your script. You have quite a story packed into those 11 pages.
SPOILERS
I liked how you showed his frustration by him peeing on insects and blasting them away. When there's abuse, it usually carries on to the next generation in some way or another. He really didn't want to take care of her, but he felt he had to, and then again, he really did love her, too.
And the mother, I really felt so bad for her. I was beginning to believe that she actually set the fire to burn herself up in... giving up on her life.
The twist at the end was good, too.
I liked this one Helio. It was a good read.
Cindy
Posted by: tomson (Guest), July 23rd, 2007, 11:13am; Reply: 5
Helio,
Pretty good story here. I guess we both like burning trailers. :-)
Sadly I know people who live in similar situations and it's not pretty. I can't say I was crazy about Justin, but at the same time I understand his frustration in life.
Ethel, well I do understand her situation in life and it's not a good one either. However, I do believe that no matter how much help you need, it's never right for a parent do be that dependant on their kid. She's essentially robbing him of a life of his own. That particular scenario I have seen up close in real life and that's the saddest of all, I think.
I agree with Cyndi about him peeing on the bugs and stuff showing his frustration. Good little detail.
The ending makes it seem like things might pick up and get better for them, but if you think about it, how will it really change? The insurance policy was for the trailer, right? Well, the trailer was a piece of junk so they wouldn't exactly get a lot of money for it. Usually insurance policies will only replace what was insured with something equal in value, I think.
Anyway, good story Helio, sorry I got hung up on details. I do that sometimes. ;-)
Posted by: movemycheese, July 23rd, 2007, 2:32pm; Reply: 6
Nice little story. I agree with the others about the twists all over the place.
The ending kind of surprised me, but I like it.
Personally, I think the money from the insurance could be only a minor motivation for the mother to set the trailer on fire. (I agree with Pia about the limited payback there). However, getting rid of the trailer forces them to change their life, getting rid of their drama-filled old life, and maybe get a fresh start?
Posted by: alffy, July 23rd, 2007, 4:40pm; Reply: 7
Hey Helio
You captured Justin's frustration at his dead end life perfectly. Like Pia mentioned, Justin can see his life ebbing away looking after his mother and he resents her for it BUT he loves her and so takes on his responsibility.
The dream, I'm not sure I got why Justin is having them and not sure if they're a warning to him or whether they have more significance.
I guess the whole point of this is to show the love between mother and son and the sacrifices we make in life for our family, job well done then helio. I liked this.
Posted by: Helio, July 24th, 2007, 9:17am; Reply: 8
Hi Cindy, Pia, MMCheese and Alffy, thanks you guys for your coments!
I've to say that my dear Breanne gave me a little help in it because my English is not good. Thanks Brea!
BTW, I forgot to say it was my 50th short script! Cheers!
Posted by: alffy, July 24th, 2007, 3:12pm; Reply: 9
50!!! shorts, jesus Helio don't you have a day off.
Posted by: EBurke73, July 24th, 2007, 9:14pm; Reply: 10
Very nice work. I like the duelling character arcs where Justin has to let go of his hate for his mother and Ethel had to move on past John. There's a nice economy of action that I've seen you use in the previous shorts I've read of yours. It's almost like seeing your name makes it a must read, as I always finish satisfied and fulfilled from a story and character perspective.
Posted by: Helio, July 24th, 2007, 9:25pm; Reply: 11
EBurke73! Thanks a lot. I'm so...you know...
I think my participation in this very nice site made me happier and younger. I have just one or two or three words...Thanks a lot to everyone that have dispended its time reading my works.
Thanks!
Oh, thanks to all that lost its time helping me fixing my bad English!
Cheers
Helio
Posted by: CindyLKeller, July 25th, 2007, 7:33am; Reply: 12
Your 50th short script?!
Wow!
Keep it up Helio. I always find them to be entertaining.
Cindy
Posted by: Helio, July 25th, 2007, 8:39am; Reply: 13
Thanks Cindy and Alffy!
I'm sorry Bert to past my scripts list on here. It is just to show that my 50th script is real:
SHORTS
1. No
2. The soldier, the child and the dog
3. My dear loo
4. Criminal Mind (Vine leaf) (with Si Dunn)
5. Gardenia's Perfume
6. Buck's Burger
7. Moms in the zoo
8. Diabolical Fishing (The Trunk)
9. Hell the last station
10. The news
11. Jesus last moments
12. Hello, Mr Einstein
13. Stormville I
14. Stormville II
15. What a day!
16. Flowers to Lisa Mansel
17. The Fish Bowl (with Spencer McDonald)
18. Unity of Opposites (with Kevan Craft)
19. Meanwhile, in a kingdom, far, far, away
20. Why is everyone always shooting at me?
21. The man that killed Bambi
22. Charlotte and the Camel's Toe
23. Still and Smiling
24. The Toothless Dog
25. Happiness Road
26. Back to Shawshank
27. A Certain Sunday Morning
28. Things of Life
29. At the end of a family barbecue
30. We love you, nuts!
31. Stereotypes
32. The award goes to...
33. General Incredulity
34. The Cab's Tales - She screwed him up
35. Save The Tanuguins
36. Milkman's Will
37. The Milk's Killer
38. Gunslinger
39. The Cab's Tales - Speak Slowly, please!
40. Xmas Tales - A Lone Hand
41. Hunting
42. That's The Girls
43. Chao and the Democratic Party
44. The Cab's Tales - The Heart in the Right Place
45. Once Upon a Time in a School
46. Cielito Lindo (with Daniel J. Toemta)
47. A Bombastic Party on the Sea (with Pat Fitzgerald)
48. Kowabunga!
49. Very, Very Lost
50. Justin and his Mom
PLAY
The daily life of a dead man (Comedy/Drama)
Posted by: Jonathan Terry, July 25th, 2007, 10:09am; Reply: 14
Great job Helio!
Like others have said, you do a great job of packing a ton of story (even some back story) into a mere 11 pages. I really felt for the characters and was so ecstatic when I finally found out that Justin didn't resent his mom.
Keep the shorts coming and I'll keep reading them! Two thumbs up!
Jonathan
Posted by: Helio, July 25th, 2007, 10:43am; Reply: 15
Hi Jonathan! Thanks a lot man for your kind words, dude!
Posted by: tonkatough, July 26th, 2007, 5:34am; Reply: 16
Aw, what a cute little short.
The first half is dismal and sad, very tragic.
But you end on a nice high note where the potiential for hope is made all the more potent by contrast with the misery and filth and hoplessness of the begining.
A nice balance.
The writing and the format was excellent.
Posted by: Helio, July 26th, 2007, 8:34am; Reply: 17
Hi Glenn, thanks a lot for your comment, dude !
Posted by: Mr.Ripley, July 26th, 2007, 11:41am; Reply: 18
Touching story helio. Congrats on accomplishing your 50th script. I enjoyed how you lead your readers to think of one ending and then surprised them with a different ending. That twist was good.
I think most of the mom's dialgoue can be changed to contemplative looks and the son doesn't notice.
Hope this helps,
Gabe
Posted by: Zack, July 26th, 2007, 11:53am; Reply: 19
Helio my man, you're crazy! 50 shorts?! I have alot of work to do if I'm gonna catch up...
I liked this one alot Helio. The characters were very real(you should give me some tips on character development!) and the story was nicely fleshed out, especially for how short the script was. I felt very bad for the mother, and I was pleasently surprised by the ending! All in all, another day, another good script from Helio.
~Zack~
P.S.- Only fifty more scripts until you hit the 100 mark!
Posted by: Helio, July 26th, 2007, 12:16pm; Reply: 20
Hi Gabe and Zack! Thanks, dudies!
Gabe, I apreciate you advice and will think about it. Thanks
Zack, man, thanks! I don't remeber when I started to disturb SS people and Don Boose, but if I don't drink too much and my healty stay okay maybe soon I will hit the 100 mark soon! Of course some scripts are very, very short, but I considere them one idea fro movie anyway.
I'll take this oportunity and say that were people like Mike Shelton, Phil Clark Jr, Robert Newcomer, George Willson, Gregory, Higgins, Gabe, Breanne, Pia, Spencer, Kevan, Michel, Chris, most recenply You and many others that I haven't metioned here (forgive me, palls!), were my main motivation to write and I decate this mark to all my friends from SimplyScripts!
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