Cobra Blood Cocktail by Breanne Mattson - Short, Thriller - Three people: a detective, a bank robber, and a girlfriend. One of them is the mysterious assassin known as The Cobra. A rival assassin holds them all captive while he tries to deduce which one. August '07 One Week Challenge finalist, webmaster's choice. - pdf, format 8)

I Liked it. The Poet's quotes demonstrate that you spent some time preparing this character. Good dialogue throughout without being overly wordy. Thought the ending was cool.

I liked this one a lot.

Action starts right from scratch, good pace, good descriptions (lean and clean), convincing dialogue, nice twists. I can definitely SEE this as a good thriller.

The only slight let down for me, were her two final sentences. They didn't really do much for me. For the rest, I think the dialogue really was excellent.

Good job.

Good job.

The characters in this are well-drawn.  The plot was adequate.  It was definitely a thriller.

However, I personally did not feel drawn in.  I didn't really feel anything for any of the characters.  

I found a kind of grating anachronism between The Poet and the other characters.  The poet seemed like a character out of a 40's movie.  That next to the profanity kind of seemed, to me, like skinning my knee on cement.

You did well, but the mix didn't really work for me.

Oh no, another assassin script. That's how I felt going into this scripts and that's how I felt when I finished it.

This story was so predictable, these assassin scripts always are. This actually had the same basic plot as the movie "Assassins" (the one with Stallone), competing assassins.

I thought this story was average, at best.

The writing was good though, the script itself was fast paced. So that was good. The dialogue was so-and-so. The whole quoting thing just sucked. It work for Jules in Pulp Fiction, it doesn't work here. It felt like you couldn't give him some decend dialogue so you just went with what others have said/written.

I disagree with sniper on all counts.

It was exciting, great dialogue, well-written characters and script. I'd love to play the Poet. It'd be a fun little gig.

Premise: Two famous assassins on one boat. Not greatly original. 5/10

Relation to Theme: Good use of the boat. Not really a thriller, more of a mystery IMO 6/10

Story:  I read a Poet assassin story recently, not sure if it was here or on InkTip. I'm faily sure it was the same person so I could easily found out who wrote this.

It's a good story, with good dialogue. It's painfully obvious who the Cobra is though and painfully obvious that she wasn't going to be dead. It was unbelievable that an assassin would fall for that. There are many drugs that slow the heart rate and some Yogis can even control it. He'd put a bullet in her to make sure if he's such a profesional.

Still an interesting story though, not everyone can carry a whole script on dialogue. 7/10

You win the most awesomest title award!

I enjoyed this short although I was a little disappointed ( really after having read the title my expectations were unreasonably high).

I think out of all the scripts I read here today so far, the Poet is probably the most badass( in a gentlemanly kind of way, like sean connery) so points for that.

I found Regina annoying most of the time even after the reveal when she started kicking ass.

My biggest complaint is probably that its been done before and you didn't bring a whole lot new to it.

You managed to create suspense for me, I wasn't sure who the cobra was till the reveal.

I'd like to see more of the Poet, I could probably pass on Regina.

Nice effort. Awesome title!  

This was a good story similar to the Usual Suspects in trying to find out who is who. the characters seemed real to me. Jeremy was funny. descriptions were clear and concise. the story flowed well and used the boat. good job.

hope this helps,
Gabe

Unlike some of the of others, I didn't find the story to be predictable. Still, like Mcornetto, I wasn't drawn in.

The Poet, though, was interesting. He had a kind of dimention to him. The other characters, though, were unremarkable.

All in all, this is, I think, one of the better written scripts on the board. Maybe just not my cup of tea.

Seth

The beginning wasn't much of a draw-in for me. Everything seemed a bit weird, I guess that's the right word, probably because you were introducing characters and stuff. But as the story got deeper, things started to get more interesting.

I'm pretty sure that a gang member or whoever this "The Poet" guy is would just shoot all three if he knew one of them was a killer...like he would care for the other two, psh! And then when the job is done, he burns the boat quickly and waits for it to sink. THE END.

But I guess that's how you resolve the story. The dialogue was okay in some scenes, not too realistic in others.

This was good though. And I liked the ending.

Sean

I liked it. The Poet was by far a more interesting character than the others in the script and I actually felt kinda beat when he died.

However, the twist seemed a bit predictable because usually in thrillers the weakest one is actually the strongest. That's what I was expecting, and that's what I got, so a few points were knocked off for a bit of unoriginality.

That still doesn't deter me from the fact that I found it a very enjoyable and compelling read. You had nice characters with good depth (although I would have liked to see some more backstory, but you can only do so much with 15 pages.). The dialogue was sharp and flowed well and the last few moments (aside from the twist) left me with a grin on my face.

Good job!

This was an excellent script.  It was spotless as far as I could tell.

Importantly, I think we can all agree that this definitely fits the "thriller" category.

The ending was a surprise.

I have nothing bad to say about this at all.

Super!  Really hot or cool!  It's the cat's pajama's!  Neato keen!  Far out!  Awesome!  Snazzy!  The bees knees!

Sandra

Cobra blood cocktail... what a way to die!

I'm absolutely positive I know who wrote this, (a couple small details gave you away) and I think it is another great job!

A who's who, and a what's what kept me on the edge of my seat.

I think this is my favorite of the scripts I've read so far.

A really good job in one week.

Cindy

This was a good read, and very gripping.  I liked how the story starts in one direction (cop bags robber and girl) and veers in another when the Poet shows up.  The double act between George and the Poet made for very compelling reading.  And it was nice to get at the Poet's motivations as we went along.  I was curious to see if anyone would survive when the Cobra revealed herself.

And that was one of my two problems.  Problem one was that, as interesting a character as the Poet was, he really is a step shy of being a Batman villain considering how much he wore his gimmick on his sleeve.  The other was that it was way too easy to figure out who the Cobra was.  Justin kept saying he didn't know her and Regina didn't refute him.  The inhaler bit was a fairly easy way to get out of the room without violence.  In a Brooklyn theatre, 200 people would be yelling at the screen that she was faking.  Then, if the boat wasn't her's, how did the Poet know to look there?  Would she really carry an inhaler with a chemical that fakes death?  Is this in the assassin repertoire?  See previous Batman villain comment.

Still, very well written.  Sinking the boat was a nice touch to add tension.

I don't think I've ever used this word to describe a script but this one destroyed. Seriously. The story is top notch as it is but the fact that it was conceived within a week is even more impressive. I had no idea who the Cobra was throughout and really believed that they had bit the dust. Excellent twist. I knew there would be one, considering the setup, but this one was very well conceived. The characters were also interesting and unique. Their exchanges were enhanced by high quality dialogue.

Sorry if I don't have any advice to give. You've got a page's worth, at least. I honestly didn't have a lot of problems with this one. It was definitely one of the best I've read.

Good job, Breanne.

My fake review has been removed.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts, comments, suggestions, and criticism. I’ve been working lately on being a little more formulaic and a little more structured. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t.

As my fake review sort of pointed to, this was inspired by Agatha Christie’s Ten Little Indians. I originally wanted more characters but it was too cluttered - and the boat was too small - so I cut it down to four, which made it harder to hide the Cobra.

Incidentally, for those who felt the Cobra was too obvious, I deliberately pointed suspicion because I thought it best to incriminate everyone the same. It’s almost impossible to write something that no one will figure out.

To whomever made a Tanantino comparison, this wasn’t inspired by him in any way. I’m much more inspired by the likes of Orson Wells and others. Assassins have been in movies for a lot longer than the 90s and they’ve been a bit philosophical in many movies. It’s more like Tarantino and I share some influences.

I’ve never seen the movie Assassins either but again, these types of characters have been around for a long time. I think the plot is a fairly natural progression of thought that anyone might arrive at.

Thanks all for reading and offering your thoughts. I appreciate all criticism, positive or negative, and use it to improve as a writer. And you’ve helped me do that. So thank you.


Breanne


P.S. As a side note, a cobra’s blood cocktail is a real drink.

I hated it.




(Just kidding!)

Oh my, Breanne.

This was certainly a well-paced, strongly executed story.  I was instantly drawn into the conflict and really enjoyed the set of characters that you presented us with.  Needless to say, I did have two issues with this.

*Why would Regina have this drug on her?  I mean, I know she's this hardcore assassin chick, but why would someone carry that around?  Unless she was planning for The Poet to come in a climactic meet of two notorious murderers...maybe I missed something.

*I did like the thrill at the end, but the whole drug thing kind of taints it for me.  In that sense, the ending could have been stronger had that whole concept been more explicitly explained.

Aside from that, I think this is the best short I've read from you.  It felt complete, the characters were dynamic, it was very well paced, and it was a pleasure to read.  What more can I say?  Bravo!

By the way, if I had actively participated in the anonymous reading, I still would have been able to bust you on this :)

Thanks Greg,

Well, the idea was that tricking and manipulating people was her thing. I did research into animals that play dead but they were either not intimidating at all, or they would have made it too obvious. If the assassin’s name was The Opossum, for example, I think everyone would have immediately known the deal. I was looking into the possibility of a Cobra based on the tricky hood designs they have when I learned of the cobra blood cocktail drink and thought it made a nice title. So I went with it.

I looked at a couple of different possibilities for faking death. I’m a magician and I know how to lower my pulse to the point of appearing dead. It was so tempting to reveal it that I even contemplated breaking the magician’s code. But ultimately I was able to resist the temptation.

So I did research into drugs that could do it. But then I decided it was all getting too technical. The last script I wrote took some lumps for being too scientifically technical. I’m sorry the whole drug thing sounded so generic but it seemed that I could either get really technical with a drug or I could reveal a magic secret - or be very general. I chose to go the generic route and it shows. Sorry about that.

But tricking people was supposed to sort of be her thing. The idea is that the Poet makes a deadly assumption as to why the Cobra is called the Cobra, only to find out - to his own peril - that there was another more plausible explanation.

Anyway, that was the reasoning. I know it came off as predictable for some. Implausible for others. I tried my best though. I won’t make excuses with the constraints or anything. I’ll take my lumps -- haha.

Thanks Greg. You’re right and I really appreciate your comments. And I believe you when you say you could have picked me out. :)


Breanne

Quoted Text I’m a magician and I know how to lower my pulse to the point of appearing dead.

Your real name is Criss Angel! I hate that freak. If I ever see him out and about, I'm calling him out.

Anyway, that's cool if you're a real magician. Have any tricks you wanna teach me?