Hydro by J A Parker (parkster)  (OWC name - Kitti Ping Yung)  - Short, Thriller - A hydrophobic man is faced with multiple dilemmas when he awakes on a small boat slowly sinking in the middle of a lake, in the middle of nowhere, at night.   August '07 One Week Challenge entrant. - rtf, format 8)

This one feels like somebody has been watching "Saw".  Good utilization of the boat, though.

This one had a great set-up -- with the daughter and all -- I will give you that -- and I was really rooting for this story to deliver.  But I'm afraid it lost it's way about halfway through, and became something a little more conventional.

The recorder goes on for too long.  Too much idle chatter.

Rhodes does not even hesitate to dive into the water.  Given the setup, he should have struggled with that decision.

Where on earth did Miles come from so suddenly?

As I alluded to earlier, I was ultimately disappointed by the ending.  It wasn't so much a twist as a progression to the natural conclusion of the story.

[SPOILER]

The daughter should have been on the boat.  That is what this story was missing.

Saw like.  Great opening.  Pulled me in.  Rhodes got over his Hydophobia pretty quick, tho.  The ending was good.  I liked the paralysis aspect.  Visual descriptions were good, too.

Don

This one was pretty good.

I’m not sure how one exaggeratingly gasps.

If Rhodes has a fear of “the wet,” why is he happily floating in water at the beginning? I assume it’s a dream but wouldn’t it be a nightmare for him?

Okay, I found the tape recorder to be unbelievable. The voice gives Rhodes instructions on how to get the key. Rhodes dives in for the key, returns, unlocks the chest, and as soon as he does, the voice starts back up. I mean, the guy behind this couldn’t possibly have timed things out on a tape recording that well. Maybe instead of a tape recorder, there’s some sort of phone or something and the guy can see him with a camera or something.

Apology accepted? I couldn’t imagine Miles saying that. I mean, what Rhodes did was ghastly. I couldn’t imagine Miles, who went through so much trouble plotting and staging revenge, could even utter such a thing at that moment.

I agree with the Muppet that Rhodes’ daughter could have enhanced this. If you want to show that Miles isn’t a monster, then perhaps we could find out that Miles has her but that she was never in danger. In any event, I think we need to meet her because she’s the bait Miles uses to control Rhodes.

I did like this though. It’s well written and it does have some good suspense.


Breanne

If its not just my imagination, it seems to me like you might have just maybe borrowed a few ideas from "saw" so minus points for that.

Like others have said, for being hydrophobic Rhodes never seems like it at all has a problem with being on a boat, or jumping into the water. I realize he is concerned for his daughter but still it seemed like he should have at least hesitated.

I thought your actions and descriptions were well written, probably your scripts strongest point.

I liked the story. It pulled me in. It was interesting. My only complaint was that the dangaling bridge scene was a little absurd but not a big problem. I got over it.

I disagree with others that have said you should have used the daughter at the end. I think you made the point with out her and if you did include her I think it would feel forced. So to repeat, I think using her would be unnecessary.  

So in review: liked it, strong descriptions and actions, but idea was kind of unoriginal.

How'd the guy (Rhodes)end up on the boat anyhow?

Thought the script was pretty good. You should've dragged out Rhodes contemplating whether to get into the water. His character seemed a little flat, dialogue was a bit forced.

Something about it that didn't sit with me, though. Maybe its predictability. Not sure.

Joseph

I won't mention the Saw reference. but that was good of you having Rhodes kill Miles and the daughter. Never read that before in the script. But I think a cell phone might take away the saw likeness. The story was good though. Also need to instill that rhodes fear since he pretty much forgot about it.  

hope this helps,
Gabe

I was digging it until the flashback.  We knew they had a past, and it was hairy.  I don't know if we had to see it though.

Good one for a shorty.

Much of what I thought about this one has already been said so I'll tell you what hasn't. At first, I thought the opening was a flashback but it turned out to be little more than a nightmare. I thought a flashback showing the birth of Rhodes' hydrophobia would have been interesting. I was wondering what pulled him under. I was curious for the first couple pages but gave up when I realized a payoff wasn't coming. I think expanding Rhodes' character in such a way would have been enhanced the story a lot.

I agree with the others that Rhodes gets over his phobia too quickly. I'll elaborate. There doesn't seem to be enough time for the harshness of the situation to really grip Rhodes. I understand there's a page limit but still. Rhodes jumps in at the very moment of what is perhaps Miles' most ominous line. I think even a little hesitation would have gone a long way. I also think retrieving the key was a little too easy. Even with the light, I think the clarity in the lake would have been lacking.

Nevertheless, this was a solid use of the genre and theme. It felt very natural and not as restricted as some OWC entries seem to feel sometimes. I seems like something one would write outside the OWC. While not original, it was suspenseful and quite gripping, despite how little actually seems to happen in the story. Excellent work, Kitti, hehe.

Premise: Somewhere between Saw and Old Boy, this nevertheless manages to carve it's own little niche. In my mind at least.  5/10

Relation to Theme: Brilliant use of the boat, and definitely a thriller. 9/10. Highest mark so far. Congratulations.

Story: I'd replace the recorder with a phone and have a contraption in the chest be the thing that paralyses Rhodes. There is something more eerie about an unseen villain. As others have mentioned the lead overcomes his  phobia far too quickly. Indeed we don't even see him overcoming his fear, you just cut it out. Other than that it was good I thought.      6/10

The opening reminded me a lot of "Saw", as Don said. Maybe a little too much like Saw. But the dialog was well written and the formatting was good, so we're moving on to the rest of the script.

Other than that, I enjoyed this script. Good descriptions, the writing flowed and I really loved your final line:

Quoted from Page 8 Screaming turns to whimpering. Whimpering turns to choking. Choking turns to silence. E N D

That was a great way to end it. Really enjoyed that. Nice and creepy.

Overall, a decent read. Well done.


Matt.

It has its strengths. It has its weaknesses. But overall, I liked it. I think you did a good job.

Strong opening; you’ve got a grabber in the first page. And you build a strong conflict by giving your protagonist a phobia and make him confront it.

There’s a bit of creativity in here that suggests you could aim for more originality. Y couldn’t help remembering scenes from Saw and Vertical Limit as I read this piece. And I couldn’t help hearing Jigsaw’s voice as the protagonist listened to the tape. Nevertheless, this Saw-ish game was creatively incorporated to the setting and the boat; kudos on that.

The voice’s lines could be trimmed a bit. Avoid repeating information to the audience; the voice doesn’t need to tell the protagonist he’s in a boat. If he’s listening to the tape, it’s because he’s there.

Dialogue was fine although there’s room for improvement. Avoid on-the-nose dialogue, make your characters communicate through subtext, instead of spelling exactly what they’re thinking. Miles makes clear what his intentions are when he shoots a paralyzing dart to Rhodes, no need for him to say “I came to kill you”.

Fairly well written on a technical level, albeit some overuse of parenthicals.

RHODES
(yelling)
It’s breaking! It’s breaking!

The exclamation mark makes clear he’s yelling, making the parenthical redundant.

Hope this helps. Good luck and keep up the good work.

This is very derivative. It's not like Saw, it is Saw. Maybe this was your intent?

As for the writing, it's uneven, mostly due to the inclusion of far too many adverbs -- completely, immediately, noticeably, exaggeratingly, etc. Any one of these words could be removed and the story wouldn't miss a beat.  

Seth

Saw meets Cliffhanger,
Okay, so you borrowed a couple of ideas as other posters have pointed out. I can live whit that - I mean, who doesn’t? But of course the script lacks originality.

I gotta admit though, I was drawn into the story from the start. I thought the opening was very well described, maybe a bit too wordy.

I think you build up the tension nicely, it never went over the top.

But you need to shorten your paragraphs, they’re a bit on the long side. Other than that I thought the story worked.

Keep it up.

Rob

Format: Good.
Actions: Very Good.  I thought the crisp clean actions were well done.
Characters:  Ok.  Beyond the superficial I didn't get much of a sense who the two characters really are.  I thought the main characters hydrophobia was not explored enough.
Dialogue: Good.  Though the recorder went on too long.
Story:  Not bad.  Good use of the boat.  Definitely a thriller.  But it had it's weak points.  Most notably that the hydrophobia was overcome too easily.  

The good: it moved.  It had pace.  It had suspense.  

The bad:  Way too derivative.  This seemed like screenwriting-paint-by-numbers.  It got campy in parts too.  

He's a "massive hydrophobic"?  You don't wring this angle for anything, barely.  There could've been so much drama here that went unexplored.        

Voice: "I can be the solution to the thing that you dug up all those years ago whilst burying the problem that I can also be if you so wish me to be."  a little clunky.  i can imagine Rhodes getting a confused look on his face.  

The VOICE a bit heavy on the exposition on p. 2.  can't we SEE these details instead of hearing them told to us?  

"Now, Rhodes, is your love strong enough for this little angel? So much so that you’ll confront your biggest fear in order to save her?"  I'm starting to think this VOICE might be Robert McKee... oop, no, it's Miles.  

No hesitation to jump in the water?  His fear doesn't seem real.  Where's the hydrophobia?  Where the overcoming of his biggest fear?   If you invoke McKee-like set-ups, you've at least got to deliver on them...  

p. 7 - "Apology accepted, my friend" - from Miles.  Huh?  this is strained, awkward stuff.  

Overall, I think you did a decent job of telling the story, keeping me reading.  So keep it up. But this was ultimately hunkered down by too many foibles.    

I think this one is the best story overall.

It's strange, because I think I only have one more script to read, but this one fits that best for last saying.

There's motive in this one, whereas a lot of the others were just out of the blue and too much killing and blood spilling for the sake of itself, mistaking violence for suspense.

This one though was different and memorable.  It stands out from the pack.

You should number your pages.

Your beginning could be stronger and pared down some.

I'm not sure how he got on the boat.

"The Voice" should read "Man's Voice" thus eliminating the need to describe it as such separately.

If you read "The Voice" part out loud--especially page two (I think--that's why you need to put page numbers) where he says, "...I can be the solution to the thing that you dug up all those years ago whilst burying the problem that I can also be if you so wish me to be. It's as plain as that."

Well, I'm afraid that that's not too plain and if I was acting, I'd find that quite the mouthful.

But the problems can be fixed.  Underneath lies a good story.  And thank goodness it wasn't too violent.

I've just about had it with all the blood etc...

Someone burned a boat in one of the last scripts and I guess they weren't really supposed to, but I say good on ya mate!  Hip hip hooray!

Seriously, this was quite well done.

Sandra