Adrift (text) by Julian Singleton (Gambit1138)  (OWC name - Avril Bitra)  - Short, Thriller - A man in a motorboat must race to safety from a vengeful spirit while slowly realizing why he's captaining it in the first place.   August '07 One Week Challenge entrant. - text, format 8)

I'll start off by saying that what I'm focusing on here is the story, but I gotta admit that your descriptions may be a little too much, almost prose-like.  Maybe this was your intention given the prize, but for a regular script it's a bit on the heavy side.

Normally, with this much description there shouldn't be any issue following the story, but for me it simply wasn't the case.

I don't know if it was the flashes that caused it or what, but this is a terribly complicated read.  This seriously reads like a book with an occassional slugline thrown in.  

I've read through the script a few times, and still wasn't able to put the entire story together.

I don't know, maybe I'm an idiot and someone will come along and get it no problem, but I was totally lost.

First off, let me congratulate you on your excellent format. Good on the technical side, but way too wordy for a script. It reads like a short story rather than a short script.

It shows you obviously know how to write engaging paragraphs, but in a script you should tighten them up. Make them shorter....split them into smaller fragments. We don't need to know every single detail like in a book. Give us some food for our imaginations. Scripts are supposed to be easy do digest, so tone your descriptions down a little--no, tone them down quite a bit.

Also, try to find another way to describe P.O.V shots. There's nothing wrong with them, but they do not belong in a spec script.

You are an excellent writer, but your style is wrong for a screenplay.  Some of the scenes dragged on a lot thanks to the long action/description paragraphs. These things may sound meaningless, but they detracted from my enjoyment of the script a great deal.

As far as the story goes....I wasn't really hooked by it at all. But I liked the Doppleganger angle.

--Julio

Hey Bitra

The stroy was interesting, but it is shrouded under complexity. You have the basic format down except for the Montage and flashbacks.

For example:

Riley and Marigold on the steps of a church, married.

Riley constructing a baby crib as a pregnant Marigold watches on, smiling.

Marigold and Riley playing with Leigh, their son.

This is where a montage is utilized to best suit the images shown.  For the flashbacks, simply add flashback to the slugline. The reader will then know what is past and what is present (for present, add present day to the slugline).

You also narrate too much. You tell rather than show.  For example,

Riley asking where Leigh is, Marigold pointing off into the distance.
The inside is a moldy mess, with a rotten steak and empty, tipped over jars that used to contain something like blood.

You also mentioned a specific song which is a no-no. keep it general like classical or rock.

I only had big problems with the format structure since it detracted the reader from the storyline. Hope this helps,

Gabe

Premise:

Difficult one this as I can't really work out what it is. Is the wife already dead? If so then why does he need the life insurance. If not what the hell is going on?

There is definitely something decent just underneath the surface of this script, but it needs clarifying.

5/10

Relation to Theme:  9/10

All on the boat and the first script in the competition that I have read that actually has  thriller elements.

Story:   6/10

I enjoyed it so I have marked it highly despite the fact that I like others have become lost. Certainly an interesting tale.

"Off in the distance, the thing that's been following the boat is slowly starting to rise out of the water.  "  I need a visual here.  What thing?  (of course, I learn about it later).

Go to http://www.amazon.com/Essential-Floyd-Cramer/dp/B000002WTC and scroll down to listen to a bit of "Last Date" by Floyd Cramer.  Helps to set the mood whilst reading.

Excellent build up, great discriptions.  The payoff at the end was good.  Some of the initial flashbacks at the beginning were confusing (which was probably done purposefully).  Still not entirely sure if Marigold is alive or dead.  

Confusing, but very engaging.

As others have commented, this script is overwritten. You want to present a quick, easy read. If a word or phrase can be removed without loss of meaning, then remove it.

A few examples:

"A small, mini refrigerator." A mini refrigerator is, by definition, small.

"...table, seemingly bolted to the floor." Is the table bolted to the floor, or does it only seem to be? Is this a question you want the reader to ask? Is it pertinent?

..."rather tall..."  He's either tall or he isn't.  

As for the story, I, too, was confused by it, especially the end.

Seth
  

I didn’t find the description to be novel like but I did find it to be too much. I think you over-describe the cabin right off the bat. It would probably be better to start with the man himself and work into the cabin.

You also occasionally describe things that are unfilmable, such as; after what seems like ages, or; Riley knows what he must do, or; he is supposed to find nothing wrong.

The way you handled flashbacks really muddled the story. You would just say, series of flashes, or whatever, and then you would go back to the present without any indication of the switch. You should use sluglines to make the switches clearer or do a montage.

POVs don’t belong in spec scripts.

Was the woman in a nightgown earlier Marigold? You need to make that clearer. If you don’t want to say it earlier on, you should at least make it clear at Marigold’s introduction.

You need to describe the thing in some way whenever it becomes visible at all, even if you just say it’s clammy white flesh. Just a little bit of description will make the thing progressively more visible instead of completely invisible until it’s seen.

Who keeps a bag of cash in their cabinet? That didn’t make sense to me.

I don’t understand the story. I can accept obscure storytelling. I love David Lynch. But there has to be enough concrete material to latch onto something. One minute Riley’s in an accident where Marigold is killed. The next, he’s apparently committing suicide, making it look like an accident, for insurance money so his family will be taken care of. What I don’t understand is that if he committed suicide, why remember the accident as though Marigold had died? It was misleading for Riley to think Marigold had been killed and then just essentially say, “Oh wait, that’s not how it happened. That’s a red herring. Let me take this story a completely different direction. Gotcha.” You know, it felt manipulative.

And if Riley was killed in an accident, where on Earth did the boat come from? Why would the tortured soul of a suicidal man go off on a boat and be haunted by memories of his wife? And if he’s haunted by memories of his wife, why not his child?

This just raises so many questions. It might be interesting to ponder if it felt like the writer knew where it was going. But it feels somewhat directionless, like the writer got himself into a story with no resolution and got bogged down with abstract solutions.

It’s got some good writing. And you show a propensity for complicated stories. But I think this one may have gotten away from you.


Breanne

I liked this short.

I pretty much agree with most of the others have said:

It was kind of hard to follow, I think this could pretty much be fixed with the proper formatting for the montages and the flashbacks.

The other thing was the prose like style, which I don't personally mind but which is apparently a  no no.

I thought the story was really interesting and exciting. This script actually managed to thrill me which I can't say about many other scripts from this contest.

Lastly, nice use of the boat. good job.