The Compass Rose by Jordan Wiebe (theboywhocouldfly)  (OWC name - Petiron)  - Short, Thriller - Two young boys get trapped on a boat in the middle of the everglades.  As the boat starts to sink the two boys must find a way to get out before it is too late.   August '07 One Week Challenge entrant. - pdf, format 8)

Okay, this was a good little short. The banter between the two boys at the beginning was great, felt like two real teenage boys really talking. The sequence on board the boat kind of had me thinking about Indiana Jones in a weird way, because once they get on that boat its very much an "out of the frying pan and into the fire" type situation. First, there's a bad smell, then they get trapped, then the boat is sinking, then there's a dead body. It's just one thing after another after another, which is what made those old Indy movies so great.

The creepy little ending (NO SPOILERS) was really cool, I like the way the story resolves itself. It's very dark and macabre, but kinda funny in a twisted way. Anyway, a good, enojyable read. So well done, anonymous!


Matt.

Hey Petiron,

I found the story to be alright.  

I was kind of lost when Kyle starts the boat to prove that he is not chicken. If Kyle didn't want to get in the boat in the beginning, how is he going to change quickly in scarying Jimmy. I think it would be Jimmy's fault for starting the boat since he wanted to get in.

The dialgoue was on par in the beginning since they seemed believable.

The ending wasn't that good either. It seemed to just pop out of nowhere.  

Hope this helps,
Gabe

Overall this is a good read, but in some places I had mixed feelings.

I think the convo between the two boys is good in most places (very good at the beginning), except for when they discover that it is a drug boat. The conversation and the realization of it being a drug boat, I just can't picture a 13 year old figuring it out that fast. And I would expect them to be more scared or frightened when they find that decomposing corpse.

I do like the transitions and the problems that come along. Crashing the boat, going down into the hull, finding a corpse, getting trapped, breaking out, getting stuck, dying. Very well described.

However, I can imagine a flash light being on a boat, but not really sure what a crowbar would be doing there.

The part of Kyle supposedly being a chicken and him getting on the boat to scare Jimmy instead seemed kinda weird to me. Didn't feel convincing.

You incorporated the boat very well in your story. I can definitely picture this as a thriller on the screen. Good job.

Nitpicking a few typos. "The light hits a table" , "baking soda".

Well hello there,


I liked the conversation between the two kids at the beginning. Some funny jokes there, seemed believable (though I never talked like that before when I was 13, hehe).

Once they find the dead body, they didn't really seem to react the way I thought they would. They didn't really scream or yelp or whatever, and suddenly came to the conclusion that they were on a drug boat.

Also, there was some dialogue where you'd think would end in exclamation points, but I dunno, I guess it depends on the actors or directors.

I felt bad for Kyle because he was so close, haha. And then he just disappears with the boat and supposedly drowns. That's a bad way to go. The ending wasn't really the best either, but I guess if you really wanted to add the alligator in there, you'd have to have it come in quickly before the 15 page mark if you didn't want to go over the limit. :)

I liked it though :P

Sean

You had me until the alligator.  Funny dialogue at the beginning got this thing going.

The rest of the script sort of wades along.  The action doesn't exactly jump off the page and the dialogue sort of slackens too.  But there are a few more funny lines throughout the middle that kept me reading.  Towards the end I found myself skimming.  I got the point of the story and the funny lines sort of diminished.

Then the alligator comes and it sort of negates the rest of the story.  Why have an alligator?  Why not allow Jimmy to mourn his friend's death?

If you think it's funny, it's not - and not because I find it tasteless, but because it's just extraordinarily unnecessary.  It made me rethink whether or not there was a clever guy writing the opening pages.  But oh well

This was pretty good.

A little chatty at times, but the action made up for it.

This was a thriller, so good job on that. One thing after the other kept happening and the beginning had some suspense to it as well.

Alligator or no alligator? I don't know. I think it works either way. If the gator gets him, then it makes the ending ironic rather than just plain sad. It's up to you.

Good job and good luck.

Hello Mr. Blow.

I must say, I got a chuckle from the beginning of this and I'm thinking that maybe you're out of your element writing a thriller, but you thought: It's a challenge... I'm game.

The dork business.  I loved it.  Absolutely.

Is this a thriller?  As many other scripts I've read in this competition, no.

Here are a few typos.  I didn't type them all in, but some are:

[The] is a small flight of stairs... You meant [there]

The light [his] a table. You want hits.

You are redundant with "the white powder." It's in two paragraphs.

>[backing soda] you mean [baking soda]

>[the boat shift] the boat shifts to the left

I don't think your heart was in it with the whole dead body thing.  And truthfully, you probably decided to kill off your characters because you wanted to write something that you would find fun.  That's my psychic tale on this one.

Please write some more of that good stuff you had at the beginning of this.

It exudes off of the page.  It's fun to read and it's just so natural.

Write where your heart is.  Someone made the comment on someone's script that they kept trying to get their characters off of the boat...

Snicker snicker... who wouldn't?

Then again, we haven't had anyone yet decide that it was as cute as a button.  A real doll-house!  Why not paint those old wood shingles pink or something?

There's talent in them there hills.  Or boats...

Sandra

Mr Blow,
             Ok little short here. I'm gonna touch on a few things here that i feel made this effective and a few cons. SPOILERS BEWARE

Dialogue - At the start i had a few laughs. The whole "Only rich boys get hot girls" was very funny. But the constant use of the word heck was a bit annoying.

Characterisation - You did well here. You convinced me into thinking they were really close friends with their banter and all the rest of it so no problems there.

Plot - I wasn't really reeled in by the story. It wasn't all that exciting. A typical race against time story where at like a couple of pages to go we find out it is a drug boat and so on. Which brings me to mention, i feel the characters caught on too quickly this was a drug boat. No way would the boys establish this so quickly.

Eaten by the alligator, touch of genius haha, which instantly tells me who this writer is.

Was a good read, the plot a little dull but in all good fun. I enjoyed this.

Robert.

I liked this one alot. Sort of a Stand By Me set against the Everglades. I'd suspect these kids had seen drug runners before living in those parts, so it wouldn't be a surprise to them that this may be a drug boat. Would have rather seen a happy ending with everyone getting home fine, but that's just me. Gators got to eat too...

Premise : Two kids find an abandoned boat in the everglades. Workable rather than inspired. 5/10

Relation to Theme: Very good use of the boat and a genuine thriller. 9/10

Story: Well told and polished. Nothing too out of the ordinary, but solid. 6/10

Well, most boys that age do go out adventuring, and they probably do know about drugs. Dialogue was believable.
I think the part about the corpse should be played out a little more.
It's sad both kids died at the end.
I liked the gator, but would have rather seen a drug dealer get eaten.

Just my two cents,

Cindy

This is very well written. I found a few really small errors that were missed, nothing major. It needs another proof though to get tiny errors like plural words missing Ss.

P11 - has some dialogue errors; kind “of” drug; “baking” soda, not backing. I take it you were up late working on this -- haha.

I like the description. There were a few places that could be economized. For example; Jimmy pushes the button. The flashlight turns on; - you could have simply written; Jimmy turns the flashlight on. Another example; Kyle hustles towards the crowbar. He picks it up; - it could have been written; Kyle hustles to the crowbar and grabs it.

I really like the dialogue with the boys. It rang so true. Very nice work there. It really felt inspired.

I was just wondering about the boat being tied off when…

I don’t see how the boys could have missed the body on such a small boat. Kyle said the water was at his ankles before. If the water was only at his ankles at first, I would think they would see the body with a flashlight search in such a small area.

I thought this was well written. I found it engaging and suspenseful. I enjoyed it overall but I was a little disappointed with the “out of the frying pan and into the oven” ending.

I liked the boys (that’s a compliment) and I realize that likeable characters have to go sometimes too. But the alligator for me came out of nowhere.

Neither of the boys stood out as any better or worse than the other. I viewed them both as equals as main characters - a sort of buddy flick. So I hated to see either go but to see one sacrifice his own life to save the other only to see the other get killed out of nowhere like that was a bit disappointing.

It would be like watching Jaws, seeing Brody shoot the compressed air tank and blowing up the shark, and then as he and Hooper are floating in the water at the end, a giant squid shows up and kills them.

But the writing is terrific and the story was very engaging. Good job.


Breanne

Good dialogue at the start...but the two boys needed more differences... before long they began to blend almost into one character.  Some typos, the most famous of which is the "backing soda" one.  Man, perhaps after that allegator bite, they could use some...

One obstacle on top of the other kept it moving.  Good job.  A little let down by the ending though.  I would've liked to see Jimmy give the allegator a run for his money...

This came off so so for me.

The boys were likable enough, most of their dialog was pretty good and entertaining/funny.

There were some instances where I felt you used their dialog to explain their thought processes too much, expecaily when the explanations seemed to me to be redundant (i.e. Remember the boat is sinking, maybe we should get out of here; not word for word what you wrote but you get the idea).

I never really got into the story, I think the problem for me might have been that the atmosphere never really got there, probably because of the jokes you had here and there. Thus I was never really thrilled.

Lastly, bravo for the out of nowhere alligator ending, it was unsatisfying but I respect the balls it took to knowingly write it for whatever reason you had, knowing that it probably wouldn't ring well with a lot of people.

So to repeat, ok in my opinion, wasn't really thrilled.

I liked this one a lot in its own right. The characters are likeable and felt very real. There dialogue was solid as well, although I feel like thirteen year olds probably wouldn't be using the word "heck." Not major, really, but still felt a little off. There was definitely a Stephen King vibe about this one. I know it's the Everglades but the characters made it feel like Castle Rock. There's some pretty interesting conflict on the boat and Kyle's death sets up for a pretty emotional ending...

I say "sets up" because the alligator kind of spoils what closure there would have been in the end. I mean, it's just so random. I don't care if it is the Everglades. This thing was just so out of left field and didn't fit at all with the tone of the story.

I also said I liked this one "in its own right." By that I mean I liked it but in the context of the OWC, it doesn't work. The theme is there but the genre isn't. This reads much more like a genre and the tone suggests nothing "thrilling." Even on the boat, it feels like a drama. The suspense is there but I still think a boat like this sinking doesn't exactly make for a thriller. If it were a little bigger and perhaps out in the middle of the ocean, maybe. I don't know. This just didn't seem like it could work as a thriller, despite the conflict that does occur.

In any case, I liked this one a lot. It was a very enjoyable read. I think I would have liked it a lot more if it wasn't an OWC entry.

This started out promising.  The setup and the characters worked.  Then around the time the water started rising, maybe just a little bit before, the dialogue started to be a bit on the nose and the whole premise seemed to get a bit stale.  I didn't like the gator bit at the end.  

Overall it was well written and good work.  

I think the premise is good, two boys stuck in a sinking boat needs to find a way out. You have good introdutory small-talk, even if it carries on for a little while.

I do think the actual thriller part came in a bit late, you could probably create tension better if the boys have an internal conflict on the boat which is then concluded by the actual external conflict. Something unsaid, something that influences who lives and who dies (jealously?), instead of just it being a case of the tall, built guy dies because he's...tall and built.

I actually chuckled at the ending, but I think people are right; it is breaking genre and tone, kinda like the end of Cabin Fever. But I think that's what you went for.

While I liked the dialogue between the two kids in the beginning (it felt real) once they get into a tight spot it becomes very on the nose as James said. We don't need a line of dialogue every time the water rises, you should just show us tha water rises.

Anyway, I think this one was enjoyable, even if it could be cut shorter.

I liked the idea, with two characters in a life or death situation which they have very little time to escapre from.  The opening conversation is great, I enjoyed it and helped me to get to like the characters in a hurry, which needs to happen if we want the characters to come out of their situation.  I think the story works just fine from both a plot and character standpoint until, as has been pointed out, Jimmy figures out this is a drug boat awfully fast.  I really felt for Jimmy as he had to watch his friend die because of a stupid need to show machismo, but that made sense from an early adolescence standpoint.

We had the dead body seeded well, if in the usual way as the boys catch an awful smell and lo, we all know they're finding a dead body.  Then an alligator pops out from nowhere.  After all Jimmy went through to get out, for him to die by alligator made me feel that the escape and seeing his friend die is a horrible waste.  Since it's not seeded, it just feels tacked on and tasteless.

This was certainly very different!

The concept is good; two young teens go on an old boat and foolishly sail out and then it starts to sink so they gotta get off.  Good stuff.  The problem here is that I didn't feel any suspense or even a positive flow from the story for that matter.

My main beef with this was the dialogue because, well, it just sounded weird.  These kids didn't sound like kids, or even dorky kids, they just sounded almost robotic and clanky.  Plus some of the stuff didn't flow well.  On page 8 there's 3 consecutive pieces of dialogue that ends with "down there."  And toward the end when Jimmy is explaining that it's a drug boat...I mean, he sounded like an uneducated Bill Nye the Science Guy to be completely honest with you.

The end took me by surprise, but by then I was already a little drifted from the story that I just brushed it off.  I mean Kyle dies and Jimmy gets eaten by an alligator...a little out of the blue but quite unique, yet I couldn't really fully enjoy it.

It was a nice effort and your story had very good intentions, but the characters need work.  I think that's your biggest issue here.  Best of luck to ya.

Hey Jordan,

I liked this senario.  I've never been a big fan of the water or enclosed spaces so it kind of got to me as I was reading.

I skimmed through some previous comments.  Others have mentioned that the dialogue was a little on the nose.  I'll agree at times it was, especially when they discovered the body and the boat started to sink.  It felt like you were using dialogue to explain what was happening rather than just showing.  Other than that I thought this was a pretty tense story and the banter between the kids really spiced things up.

I think the ending with the alligator works if you view this simply as a cautionary tale.  If you decide to rewrite this I might have the kids purposely go looking for danger or excitement rather than stumbling upon it - show them being reckless.  It might give their demise more meaning.

Yo what up peoples:D  Thanks for all your reads and comments, I tried to do something different, a pretty much clean script, which is a stretch for me ;D

I know that most people dis liked my ending, and I knew when I wrote it it may tick a few people off, but that dark sinister side took over.

I did want to have the alligator to have a bigger role in the story, originally the gator was trying to get in as the kids were trying to get out, but it would be too long.

Anyways thanks again