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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  Comedy Scripts  /  Graduation Day
Posted by: Don, August 22nd, 2007, 10:31pm
Graduation Day by Bill Barr (bolt28) - Comedy, Coming of Age - Best friends Mark and Tony are five days away from their college graduation.  Emotions run high as they struggle to bring closure to their college careers.  Fueled by alcohol, the week quickly spirals out of control, erupting in a spasm of violence and self destructive behavior.  But not all is as it seems as these boys have an exit plan that could change their lives forever. 100 pages - doc, format 8)
Posted by: bryan00009, August 28th, 2007, 8:59am; Reply: 1
Since constantly posting the same criticism is so much fun, instead here's A COPY of an email sent to Trevor Scott re: Free Falling script at http://www.trevorscott.ca/552.html
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Trevor,
  I'm not sure what they teach in the Ryerson screenwriting course, but my own knowledge gleaned from sites (like Simply Scripts, where I got the Google link to yours) is that screenwriting style for a spec script should be much more sparse and 'vertical.'
  Write short descriptive phrases of what we see and only what we see.
Here's an excellent link that goes into more detail...
http://www.ibiblio.org/cdeemer/specscript.htm
As for the story, I didn't read more than the first few pages.  Teenage coming-of-age stories don't really interest me.  Also, putting the 'inciting incident' on page one is a little much.  I would try to set the mood, the context, before arriving at something like a body in the trunk.  
Just my two cents,
J.B.

Post "script" for Mary:
-- huge blocks of text (it doesn't even look like a script)
-- Dull, dull dialogue: "Swing by our place later we’ll be drinking some beers." (don't they EVER have anything interesting to say, or is it 'cool' to sound like a moron?)
-- passive tense description: "is walking" should be "walks"
et cetera...
Posted by: bolt28 (Guest), August 28th, 2007, 4:22pm; Reply: 2


Hey I appreciate the feedback on the script.  The script was once 145 pages long so I am constantly trying to trim away the fat.  

It's interesting that people tend to be more critical of the appearance of a script than they are of the content. Maybe that's the reason we see so few original ideas coming out of Hollywood.  Had you bothered to scroll down(not even read) you would have seen the script does possess the desired "vertical"  appearance.  The opening block of text is meant to be shown while the credits roll hence the detailed description.

Anyways I'm not sure where you went to college.  Maybe you and your friends sat around quoting Kafka and discussing existentialism while sipping prune juice and eating soy crepes.  That wasn't the experience that I nor 90% of American kids had.  This is about them.  You know the ones that partied too hard and actually talked to girls. So no, the dialogue isn't that sophisticated, but neither are the average 19-20 year old kids. This isn't Shakespeare and  isn't supposed to be.  


Posted by: Moondrummer78 (Guest), September 29th, 2007, 2:09pm; Reply: 3
I wanted to give one piece of quick advice, because your script reminded me of my first attemp.  You're writing is very good, but it is also more novelistic than it is Filmic.  

"Words are your babies, don't be afraid to kill them."  

That's a paraphrasing of Steven King.  A screenplay needs to read as fast as it will play on screen, don't give too many words to something that will only last a second, even if they're really great words.  You want fewer words with more impact; kill adverbs, kill passive sentences (is sitting, are playing)  keep that thesaurus handy.  

Keep writing, because you have good ideas, but take my advice -- read more screenplays; not the one's that other novices like us put on here, read the one's that have stood the test of time.  Go to the Oscars section on here.  Disect those scripts and you'll see what I mean.  Very few scripts take such a novelistic approach to the blocks of description.  Your script reads like "Se7en" -- Thick blocks of prose.   Good prose doesn't need to be thick -- it needs to be concise and impactful.

I would print out your script -- delete the files from your computer -- and start over, from page one -- being absolutely merciless in cutting, rearranging, and re-imagining your story.  My first screenplay was a disaster because I refused to kill my babies.  They're just words.  They aren't that sacred.  Trust me.

I hope this feedback helps, and good luck!
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