Clean Break by James Carlette - Short, Drama - The end of the road for a relationship. 4 pages - pdf, format 8)

It's a nice start.  

I like the way the TV is used to show both a memory of the past and the transitory nature of the relationship.  Rachel's statement of how they'd gone through the shouting portion of the break up already.

Then...

Since I'm first, I'll play the spoiler card










When she smiles at the end, I'm curious as to why.  What's behind the smile?  Has this opened the door to another burgeoning relationship?  Is it relief that it's over?  Is it a funny memory of the past?  Is she free to come out of the closet?  I can accept that perhaps the ending is meant to be ambiguous, but I need something in the beginning to clue me in more as to what my choices are.  The lady or the tiger?  Is Tony dead or not?  A little extra seeding with something hanging in the background or a band-aid on the finger or something so that I have two questions instead of a heckuvalot more.

But a good start nonetheless.

Thanks for the comments.

I see your point with the smile. It was intended to show her relief that the break-up is over, but obviously I need to make that clearer somehow. I'm not quite sure about how best to do that though. Would it be enough to simply make the description more precise - "she smiles, clearly relieved now he's gone" sort of thing? Or does more need to be added to the scene to make her position clearer?

Guess I have some thinking to do. Any feedback is much appreciated.

hey,

I can't say I really enjoyed this, but at the same time there isn't anything that really stands out as being bad or wrong. I've come to the conclusion that this just really isn't my cup of tea in terms of subject matter and perhaps length I suppose. Its difficult to get invested in a character in four pages.

That said, I thought this was technically pretty well written. The dialog didn't seem forced or unbelivable, the descriptions were good. As far as I'm concerned you succeeded in everything except winning my interest.

I'll also mention that I basically got the smile at the end with what you had.

Good effort,

sheepwalker

Quoted Text ...except winning my interest

I suppose it is a bit much to ask people to care about these characters with only 3 pages to go on.

Definitely don't write that into the description she's relieved.  There might be a couple of ways to show that she's relieved, but it might add to the page count.  One obvious way is an exhale at the end.  Perhaps she could even seem to be holding her breath, hence the curt answers to questions.  Another way could be to have her pace as he packs, or bite her lip, which are signs of nervousness.  

That's all I can think of off the top of my head, but I'll probably figure out more in the shower or somewhere away from the the computer.

Hey James,

This was well written but I may have missed the point.  I know it's about a break up but is there something else under the surface?  Others have commented on the smile, it got me thinking too.

Anywho I didn't dislike this but I just couldn't see the point really.  Sorry.

Your dialogue was really good and there was nothing wrong with the format, I just think the story let it down.

Hi James...I liked the little short. Sad, but that's how it goes sometimes. I think you managed to cram alot about these characters in the space of 4 pages.

Felt sorry for Peter, but I imagine that it was his unrealistic expectations that caused the break up in the first place. She does not act like he thinks she should, and that frustrates him, putting the strain on the relationship. He's a bit of a control freak in that respect, imagine he played lots of head games during those three years.

Think she's better of without him, and at the end, she does too. She's relieved.

Should  "He stands impotently" be "He stands impatiently" on bottom pg 2? (Standing impotently might also cause some problems, but I think in the given context Spell checker might have missed it.)

It symbolizes nicely the principle that as one chapter closes, another one opens.

Hope this is helpful to you.

Quoted from James Carlette I suppose it is a bit much to ask people to care about these characters with only 3 pages to go on.

I agree, James. When you're writing a script that's under ten pages the name of the game is to set up and pay off. I'd struggle to name a script, under ten pages, that had characters I 'cared' about.  

However, I felt this script just seemed like one scene from a longer story, as opposed to being a story in its own right. There are also a number of typos you should fix.    

Page one: Where we find RACHEL stood gazing peacefully etc

Page one: PETER, also late - 20s, is stood on the other side of the room.

Page one: He stands impotently for a few moments.
How do you stand impotently?

Thanks for all the comments. I might try to expand this piece into something longer at some point - so any criticism will be quite helpful.

Quoted Text How do you stand impotently?

I meant that he stands there, wanting to do or say something to change her mind but unable.

Makes perfect sense to me. But perhaps I should rephrase it.

reading this script, I felt I sat down in front of TV only to catch the last minute of a TV drama. Who are these people? what happened to make them go seperate ways? Where do they go from their.

So as a story this is kind of poinltess and feels like a broken shard of a much larger script. But I guess as a writing exercise you did real good. lovely dialouge and description and well written.

Nice written story, nice dialogs, but what's the point? What's the point with her smile? You said sooner tha it looks difficult for her too. The end is good but somehow quite abrupt.

fairly told but something's missing.

Waiting for your next script.


Michel 8)

i liked it. the dialoues were very well written. i don't have any complains. besides i'm a rubbish critic. good job.

James,

I think this was fairly well written and the dialogue was good too, but…
I failed to see the story here.  This is more like a short scene out of something else. It’s a couple breaking up. That’s it. Other than the television which gave us some insight into their previous relationship, this story didn’t tell me much about Rachel and Peter.

There isn’t really a set-up and payoff, punchline or twist.

It’s not bad however, you just need to add some more to it in the beginning and middle especially.

Good luck with this.

Pia