Princess by Jeffrey Morris - Comedy, Drama, Thriller - High school senior Veronica wants to spend her Sunday nursing a hangover and craming for an upcoming exam. But the world, and her small circle of friends won't leave her alone, forcing her to deal with past and present issues that haunt her every being and hinder her adolescent growth. An evolution in suburbia that leaves you wanting more and to revisit everything you just saw. 120 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hello simplyscripters, if anyone actually does read this script know that you are appreciated and I thank you.  I'm looking to record a table read for the script as I try to find financing and everything else that comes with an independent feature.  So if anyone has thoughts on the script..throw 'em at me.  I love munchin' on feedback.

thanks,
JRM

Hi Woodchuck; took a quick look at your story. To be honest, nothing here grabs me. Got up to pg 17 and that's about it. Not really my thing. Good luck to you, though!

Quoted from Blakkwolfe To be honest, nothing here grabs me. Got up to pg 17 and that's about it. Not really my thing.

Ouch, Blakkwolfe.  You didn't have to tell me that.  It is an unfolding character and dialogue driven story.  Bummer the characters didn't grab ya.  It was written as a no-budget showcase for actors and a cinematographer, something you'd see on the sundance or independent film channel and festivals of the like.

I've just started, so I should probably leave my comments until I've finished the script. It sounds like you're doing this yourself, so it's not a big deal, yet, but the ONLY font in a script should be Courier New size 12. Your fancy title page is nice, but it screams amateur.

I'll edit this message when I finish the script.

I'm on page 2, and only half of it can actually be filmed. I know you're filming this yourself, but if you want to use the script as a calling card, you need to make sure it's right. You can't see what's in a house by looking at the outside, can you? Also, Veronica's big description on page 2 would work great in a novel, but you're telling me a bunch of stuff that can't ever be on screen. It's nice for the reader, but it means nothing on film.

Page 6: Who's Ronnie? After a bit of thinking, I understood that Ronnie is short for Veronica, but you can't call her two different things. It's either Ronnie, or Veronica. (It's fine to call her whatever you like in dialogue.)

I also don't like her voice overs.

You also use "We" too many times.

I stopped reading at page 20. I wanted to like it, but it's so out there. Let us know how the filming goes. Maybe it'll make a better movie.

Hi Woodchuck,

Just read through your script, and thought I'd give you a little feedback...

You have a penchant for catchy dialogue, but, your story takes entirely too long to develop.  There really isn't much sign of a conflict until we get the information about Alison's disappearance.  And after that, your script feels like it meanders in different directions it doesn't need to.  There are stretches of dialogue that feel overlong.  

There's also an overabundance of descriptive language - "She sees so much in that reflection, but not herself." - good for a novel, not for a script.  This is obviously an actor's script...let them glean information like from the script by themselves, it also frees them up to give you (if you're the director) something you didn't know was there yourself.

If other, more disgruntled screenwriters read your script you'll probably get the classic "don't put camera direction in" and "get rid of the 'we see's' and 'we hears'."  But, unless you're the director, they shouldn't be.  Plus, when I read, "we see," on a personal level (not a director's), it takes me out of the script...and if I don't like it enough, I won't force myself to keep reading it.  

Fortunately, I think once your first 30 pages are over and you get to the meat of your story - Veronica forgiving herself for Alison running away - with the right actors this could definitely be an intriguing piece.  

My recommendation - tighten this script, majorly.  Ask yourself why each character is in the film and if they are definitely needed.  Are there scenes in the script which do not move Veronica's objective forward?  Personally, I felt there were lots of those moments.  There exists that small kernel of a reason of why I should care for Veronica, but, I think it's buried deep in mounds of meandering dialogue that might sound important, but, isn't.  You write well, but, your storytelling is what you need to refine.  

Quoted from ka3mapx Hi Woodchuck, You have a penchant for catchy dialogue, but, your story takes entirely too long to develop.  There really isn't much sign of a conflict until we get the information about Alison's disappearance.

I feared this would be a problem.  The prologue and the main title sequence is lengthy but I still find necessary 'cause it comes around again later.  I was hoping the banter with Wes would come off as quick and snappy and move right along.

Quoted from ka3mapx And after that, your script feels like it meanders in different directions it doesn't need to.

Really?

Quoted from k3mapx There's also an overabundance of descriptive language - "She sees so much in that reflection, but not herself." - good for a novel, not for a script.

Yeah, stuff like that is me trying to present an internal conflict.  Which is where the main conflict of the story exists.  I guess that's why it's hard to suck readers in but these are the types of stories that get my attention.

Quoted from ka3mapx If other, more disgruntled screenwriters read your script you'll probably get the classic "don't put camera direction in" and "get rid of the 'we see's' and 'we hears'."

  

I dig on this and expected it.  But, I figured since 97% of the story takes place in the house, I as a writer, tried to bring a couple of visual/camera shots to broaden it up a bit.

Quoted from ka3mapx Ask yourself why each character is in the film and if they are definitely needed.

I still feel that all 6 are needed.  

Quoted from ka3mapx Are there scenes in the script which do not move Veronica's objective forward?  Personally, I felt there were lots of those moments.

Which ones did you have in mind?

Also, just curious, did you get through the whole thing?  And thanks for the thougths.

Anyone read this puppy from fade in to fade out?  Based on the few comments I got, seems no one let the story unfold for them, allowing themselves to ultimately find each scene/conversation as a thread that stiches together the arc/climax of each character and the story/themes as a whole....Wow, that sounded pretentious....Forgive me, I'm desperate.  I'll scratch your back, if you scratch mine.