Irish Rover, The by Ben Lay - Drama - An Irish boxer on the verge of his dreamed of championship fight is forced to confront the inner demons he has kept buried for too long. Can he overcome them or will it cost him all that he holds dear? 108 pages - pdf, format 8)

Went through about 31 pages.  While it was very well written, nothing happened.  Or more, not enough happened.  He was winning, then almost lost the bout for a second and then immediatly won, he got into a fight with his girl but was forgiven, he almost got into a fight with his sister but it was dropped.

At about that point, I said to myself "well this guy is pretty much doing well."  Nothing (other than the really good writing itself) keep me involved or invested.  I may have exitted to soon, but it was over a quarter done already.  

My advice would be to tighten it up.  Deliver some kinda of payoff with the low blow (it just seemed like right as the tension started to build, round over, decision Rover) and if you want to keep everything up until what I read in there, try to condense it to 15 pages.

Like I said, I only got about thirty pages in and would like to think that you fluid language comes with good story.  Just get to the story.  Unless you hook us in, it's just another well written version of something we've seen before.

Oh, and why did the opponent go from being a Pole to a Mexican?

Sorry but for me the idea of reading the first 30 pages of something and then making a comment is absurd. I'm sure your following what you believe to be industry standard but as far as I'm concerned a script works as a whole, not just as a quarter, not to say that if someone had simliar comments after reading the entire script I wouldn't be willing to take them on board. The version that you have read is very much an experiment in background story taking precedence over foreground story so that the pay off comes from internal character realisation rather than an external victory.

Boxing is used as a metaphor for life thus his actions in the ring mirror his behaviour outside and the resulting conflict of how his behaviour can work to his advantage in the ring yet be detrimental to his life outside, this is further specified by the use of the "Boxing Experts" as a means to place Narrative in the foreground.

Personally I feel that in order to fully appreciate this and as you so succinctly put it have a "payoff" for the low blow then you would have to read the script in its entirety.

I'm sure according to your latest copy of Syd Field that if your attention isn't grabbed straight away then that warrants your giving up on the work, but for myself I know that some of the more rewarding films and scripts I have read have what you would term nothing happening for the first 20 to 30 pages or so, but withing that "empty" 20 to 30 pages is a wealth of character detail to be mined leading to a much stronger identification with the character come the end of the story and I would very much be of the school of thought as Brecht put it "that there is nothing more interesting or more informative than watching how a man bends down to tie his shoe lace".

Lastly I certainly do welcome any comments as screenwriting is very much a collarborative process and a lot can be learned from readers input but if after 31 pages your attention is not grabbed, fine fair enough go on your way and be happy, please do not do someone the discourtesy of commenting on their work after reading that much because it's ignorant commentary at best and a waste of both our times.

All the best and Have a good one ;)

P.S. The change from Pole to Mexican is a typo, the version you partially read is a work version. I have a completed version if you would like me to email it to.

I'm sorry if offended you.  The point I was trying to make was that it all seemed too easy for him.  You can't tell me that you can't read ten or fifteen pages of a script and tell if you want to invest that time into it.

Don't get me wrong. With what did happen, I think you handled it well, very well indeed. Your writing in my opinion is much better than most I see in the unproduced section.  The actual story, the conflict and drama, it just didn't grip me.

I'm sorry if you can't see this as valid constructive critism.

P.S. I did check and see if you had any other scripts completed. I was very impressed by your style and eventually I may read "The Irish Rover" in it's entirety. If you have anything else completed, I wouldn't mind giving that a shot.

Quoted from dubus Sorry but for me the idea of reading the first 30 pages of something and then making a comment is absurd. I'm sure your following what you believe to be industry standard but as far as I'm concerned a script works as a whole, not just as a quarter

So by that rationale, you would rather had have that souterfell read the first 30 pages of your script, put it down and never tell you why he didn't finish it?

I felt that souterfell offered you a valid critique. He told you it didn't hook him, he told you why and even offered some advice. What more could you ask for?

I understand that you can't judge a book by its cover but if you haven't hooked your reader within the first 30 pages then your script obviously isn't working. I'm not saying that everyone will feel the same about your script as souterfell but he (or she) took the time to not only read your script (well, part of it) but souterfell also told you what he thought about it.

Remember, no one here is getting paid to read the posted script, they all use their spare time to do it. So instead of going ballistic I think you should actually be grateful and say thank you (whether you agree with the reviewer or not ).

Rob

Quoted from sniper So by that rationale, you would rather had have that souterfell read the first 30 pages of your script, put it down and never tell you why he didn't finish it? I felt that souterfell offered you a valid critique. He told you it didn't hook him, he told you why and even offered some advice. What more could you ask for? I understand that you can't judge a book by its cover but if you haven't hooked your reader within the first 30 pages then your script obviously isn't working. I'm not saying that everyone will feel the same about your script as souterfell but he (or she) took the time to not only read your script (well, part of it) but souterfell also told you what he thought about it. Remember, no one here is getting paid to read the posted script, they all use their spare time to do it. So instead of going ballistic I think you should actually be grateful and say thank you (whether you agree with the reviewer or not ). Rob

Um, isn't it Hollywood that only reads the first ten or so pages, maybe even twenty?  If they can't get into it, they aren't going to finish it either.  They, like us, have better things to do than continue to read something that doesn't grab their attention immediately in the hopes that it will get better and turn into greatness.