About Time by Dino Barlaam - Short - A young man uses the time machine his father invented for his own selfish purposes. 10 pages - pdf, format 8)

This was a cute short, except I was a little disappointed with the ending. There aren't any consequences. I don't think you have a proper ending. What happens afterwards? His adult life can't be the same. I think you need to show that.

Good writing, though. I didn't notice any grammar or formatting errors.

Good job.

I enjoyed reading this.

Like the previous commenter though I also felt slightly let down by the ending: the idea of being able to do things differently is appealing, but what effect does that have on the present? How was Dave and Billy's relationship after future-Billy went back? How did not being bullied as much affect Billy? Etc.

I enjoyed this also and was relieved to see no flux capacitor ever came into play! Very clean and easy to read and although I know it would be difficult with limited pages to work with a little father/son interaction; told ya so, kind of thing would have been entertaining.

nice work

marlin

Not to get overly technical,  but ntohing happened.  Billy learned absolutely nothing about himself, time, regrets.  He just went back in time, got some tickets, a sandwich or two, and beat up a bully.  He is not change in one way or another.

It also seemed odd that the father would choose to go back to such a critical event in history, but then lambast Billy on the dangers of changing the past.

I know it was short and just an exercise but I felt it still didn't live up to what it could.

I really enjoyed this peice, I think its witty and clever, and just a really good idea.  As others have said though, the ending is dissapointing, and really leaves you wanting to know what happens next.  Please write and ending and post it!  

Hello Dino,

I liked this piece but I felt the ending like the others that have gone before me have said, the ending needs to be improved.  As much as Billy is satisfied at the end, you could have a terrible event happen to Billy which stems from the interaction between adult Billy and Hank.  I'm sure Hank will remember Billy's face and would want revenge.

Anyway, you have a good story that could be trimmed in places and expanded elsewhere.

All the best.


Javier