An Uneventful Day by James Carlette - Short - An unexpected visitor leads to tragic consequences in a house where things aren't quite as they seem. 12 pages - pdf, format 8)

-The first thing I noticed was that with your descriptions, you had more "-ing" verbs. You need to write in present tense, such as "She walks to the house" or "The man shoots the gun" instead of "He is visiting with his buddies" or "They are being escorted down the hallway."

-So did Mrs. Winterton kill Abby's father just because Mrs. Winterton had a bad childhood? I don't fully understand why she killed him. To get satisfaction out of it?

-There was one line that made me laugh:

Quoted Text But, unfortunately, it turned out that my husband is unable to have kids.

I'm pretty sure this was supposed to be read in another way, but I just thought that was funny.

-I don't know where you're from, maybe from England or something (because you spell "recognize" with an "s" instead of a "z"), but do people put milk in their tea? I thought that was coffee, but hey, I don't drink tea or coffee so just ignore me if I'm incorrect.

I didn't really like the ending because I felt as though this story wasn't accomplished fully. I didn't understand why Mrs. Winterton killed Abby's father. I was also wondering why Abby didn't start asking a few questions as she was talking with Mrs. Winterton to make it seem like she was really a door-to-door survey person. She just started talking about her childhood problems and it didn't seem too real.

Anyways, good job.

Sean

Thanks for reading my script.

Quoted Text The first thing I noticed was that with your descriptions, you had more "-ing" verbs.

I'll have to look at that. Description is one of the things I think I need to work on.

Quoted Text So did Mrs. Winterton kill Abby's father just because Mrs. Winterton had a bad childhood? I don't fully understand why she killed him. To get satisfaction out of it?

She killed him because he was going to to tell people about the affair and she saw that as too much of a threat to her chances of having a happy family.

The idea is that her unhappy childhood has left her with an almost psychotic need for a stable, happy family and she'll go to any lengths - including murder - to safeguard that. I tried to make the backstory as clear as I could in her little speech to Abby, but I had to cut a lot of it to avoid having a page-long chunk of text - perhaps I cut a little too much.

Quoted Text I'm pretty sure this was supposed to be read in another way, but I just thought that was funny.

Okay.  :-/

Quoted Text do people put milk in their tea?

How can you have tea without milk? That's just... weird.

Quoted Text I'll have to look at that. Description is one of the things I think I need to work on.

Don't worry, I tend to have too much detail in my descriptions and I'm able to cut them down a lot.

Quoted Text Okay.

Sorry. When I read "my husband was unable to have kids," I imagined a man trying to get pregnant, but is unable to? That's my bad. ;D

Quoted Text How can you have tea without milk? That's just... weird.

Never heard of anyone having milk in their tea. Heard of people having milk in their coffee, but not tea.I guess it's just acquired tastes or different cultures? Or I'm weird....:P

Sean