Switcheroo by Mike Shelton - Short - Wally Stirrup no longer wants to die, but convincing the company he hired to kill him is another matter entirely. 14 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Mike, this was a pretty c0ol piece, I see you made some changes to the version I read before and I think it works a bit better.

the line

                                 PIZZA MAN
                    Fine, but I’ll let you know now
                    that by doing this, you forfeit all
                    rights to a peaceful killing.

That didn't work for me very much, felt a little off.

I liked the premise a lot, maybe if you added some reasons why we would think Wally would want to die, maybe make him a little be a little bit pathetic, I think that would be more convincing.

Anyways this was pretty tight so good work.

Hey Mike

Really enjoyed this, switching the story was excellent and I didn't see it coming at all.

Not much else to say, the dialogue was spot on the descriptions short and sweet.

Really good story and very well exicuted.

Jordan and alffy,

Thanks for the reads.

Jordan,

Not sure why that piece of dialgoue seems off for you.  The pizza man had been trying to talk Wally into taking the pills in order to have a peaceful death, but after all of Wally's talking about calling Goldfarb, his patience had finally worn thin and he took that option off the table.

I thought about having a reason he wanted to die in there, but I figured it was more important to stress that fact that he DIDN'T want to, making whatever reason he had in the first place most likely trivial.  Glad you liked it on the whole though.

alffy,

Glad you enjoyed it.  I felt the urge to write something like this again after doing a couple comedies and more ambitious works, so I'm glad this came across as entertaining, despite its simplicity.

Hey Mike I've read quite a few of your scripts and this one was amazing. It really stood out.

This is the first script of yours I have read where it really felt like a movie and not theatre.

The little subtle details of action where a nice touch and your dialouge as always was superb. And this is the least talky of your scripts.



  

hey Mike,

Another short, enjoyable piece. Just a couple of crits:

The ending kind of drag, with Goldfrab just complaining. I do like the "Quality Assurance" angle but I think that part can be shortened and tightened up.

Stirrup seems well adjusted for someone who hired a company to kill him. Give us some sort of a hint of why he would have in the first place.

The pizza box. What kinda cardboard box can support all that crap that was in side it. Might I suggest one of those insulted pizza pouches.

Hey,

I liked this a lot, it was more up my alley with the violence and whatnot.

Story wise I thought it was pretty solid, I found it interesting and was compelled to read to find out what happened, didn't see the Goldfarb thing coming, and a nice thing his coming was, he was outrageous(in a good way)

Can't think of anything I didn't like or would change so thats good. Overall really nice job I found this to be highly entertaining.

liked the pulp fiction reference by the way, I like references.(and Jules and Vince talk about Amsterdam, and you wrote Jack Amsterdam! Crazy coincidence or proof of God's plan??? )

sheepwalker

Hey guys, thanks for checking it out.  Glad to see that you enjoyed it.

Tonka,

Still working on finding that balance between dialgoue and description.  I'll probably always be a talky writer, but if I can make things more cinematic, it'll help me a lot.  Glad to hear I'm making some headway.

Souterfell,

Jordan mentioned the same thing in regards to Wally seeming well adjusted, which I guess was somewhat my intention.  If he had been too screwed up, there wouldn't be any cause for him to cancel.  Sounds like I need to find something more or less in between.

The pizza box definitely wouldn't work on its own, which is why I added in the foam separator.  I think given the relatively small size and weight of the items, it would add enough stability for proper support.

Sheepwalker,

The Jack Amsterdam name came about a couple years back when my friends and I were joking about the Michael Vick (an American footballer) situation.  Apparently he had been visiting an STD clinic under the assumed name of Ron Mexico, and I thought the random name/country thing was interesting, so I went with it.

The Pulp Fiction reference was an homage/jab at the fanboys who try to replicate his work, only in a different sense.

Thanks again, to all three of you.  I do like coming up with these oddball crime shorts every once in a while, and it's always good to see them get some positive feedback.

My first review and I was lucky enough to read a good script.  I liked the simple premise and the fact that it all takes place in one setting.  My problems with the script aren't that big and don't really change my opinion on it.  They're just little bits that made me say "That's weird...".

My biggest gripe is that he seems way too cool with the whole thing.  After nearly being killed and then watching someone get beat to death, I'd expect him to be freaking out...like shaking and not being able to talk.  And I didn't like him running on the treadmill.  I know it's not that big, but I just don't believe someone who just attempted to have himself killed(even though he backed out) would suddenly be normal enough to run on the treadmill.  And since we don't know why he wanted to die, it's hard to tell if he's depressed or has serious problems.

Oh, and how the hell did Goldfarb get there so fast?  If he was waiting otuside, wouldn't he have told the guy not to dress like a pizza man.  He mentions it like he just saw it himself.  At first, I thought the whole thing was like a training scenario, because he shows up too quickly and Wally was way to at ease.

And that's about it.  I could be wrong about all of these things, seeing as how your script didn't try to get too in-depth, which in a way was good.  I could also be wrong because I only read the script once and I might of missed a couple things.  If so, sorry.

Besides all of that, it was still a very good script.  I hope this helps...

Issues:

Where the hell did Goldfarb come from all of the sudden? Its like he knew the Pizza Man would fail? Huh?

When the Pizza man comes out of his convulsions he's awake too quick to put his hands on the table. Don't know if you've ever been hit with a tazer, but... I tazer people for a living.

Other than that? Easy to read, easy to follow, put together fairly well, not a complicated read, naratives are okay.

http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/PrefaceToPain1.pdf

Hey Mike,

I enjoyed this, it's a very quick read but I didn't feel you brought anything new to the table. It does have the now classic Shelton signature twist but other than that it was a pretty straight forward Hitman/Assassin script.

Other than Mister Goldfarb, I thought the characters were pretty shallow. They're written a bit too stereotypical for my taste. I liked Goldfarb though, great dialogue. The dialogue in general was very good but I didn't like this line...

PIZZA MAN
Within reason.

I don't know about that line, it doesn't really sell it. I think it would have played better like this.

PIZZA MAN
Reasonable...ish.

Just a thought - a matter of taste for sure.

I liked the nods to Pulp Fiction and Casino.

All in all a quick an easy read.

Cheers
Rob

Well, this is certainly a nice surprise to start the day.  Thanks for the reads, guys.  A few things in response.

Hoody,

Originally, Wally actually worked for Goldfarb much like the Pizza Man and the whole thing was a set up.  I took that element out and made Wally an "actual" customer, also taking out some of the calmness in his speech.  I agree he's not totally freaked out, but definitely a little uncomfortable.  He more or less had a general idea of what was going on so he was able to be somewhat prepared.

He's on a treadmill because I wanted to open with him doing something relatively normal, yet different than sitting on a couch and flipping through TV channels or eating lunch.

Relentless,

Fortunately, I've never been tazed, but I did wonder about the recovery time so thanks for pointing that out.

sniper,

Pizza Man was written as a stereotype on purpose.  That was the whole problem that Goldfarb had with him in the first place.  Why couldn't he just do his job?  Why did he have to have this stupid gimmick?

The "within reason" line is part of that small block of conversation.

"You're a reasonable man, within reason, and I need you to listen to reason."  I thought it was a somewhat comical exchange, but I like your suggestion as well since it's in the same context.

And the answer to the $64,000 question,

Goldfarb got there so fast because he had made an agreement with Wally, where in exchange for allowing him to view the Pizza Man in action and try to set things straight regarding his suspicions, he would let Wally cancel his "services".


Thanks again, guys.

Nice script.

I think Wally needs a little more background: Who is he when not working out at home and tackling would-be assassins? Why did he want to be killed? What changed his mind? The idea of the assassin being tested is great, but it just didn't quite ring true for me because the characters felt more like plot devices than real people. Why would Goldfarb be there in person? Surely, given it's the scene of murder, being there is a serious risk for him? And does he do this for all new employees?

The idea, pace and dialogue were all great - but just a little more depth would make it even better.

Spoiler alerts:






PG 8
GOLDFORBE
Put your hands on the table motherfucker!  

Guys in their 60’s don’t usually say motherfucker.  But he’s a crazy SOB so no matter I suppose, but motherfucker still seems too out of place for Goldfarbe due to age, I mean douchebag or another insult I think would work just as well.

GOLDFARBE
You’re fucking A right he deserved it.  

Fucking A right?

I get it, people say fucking A a lot, and this could just be me, but I really think that you’d be better off removing the A after he said fucking all the time.  Fucking right like the taser, Fucking A right doesn’t sound right when you read it out loud.

The end made me chuckle, I liked that pizza bit.  It was a nice touch after hearing Goldfarb bash Pizza Guy for his nonsense get up.  So I just thought I'd add note to how much I liked that scene.

All in all, I enjoyed this short very much, it was certainly interesting to see this story take such an unexpected turn after he made the call, and the title Switeroo honestly fits like a charm for this short.  I wish I’d have read that sooner, because this is really good stuff bud.  Nice work.

Hey guys,

Thanks for the reads.

James,

A few others have mentioned Wally's background, but I didn't feel that it was all that important to the story.  I could have easily made him more of a loser and cited specific examples, but I kept thinking that if I had done that I would have been asked "Why is this guy changing his mind?  He's pathetic."

Goldfarb is there in person because it's his company and his grown tired of the pizza man's antics (He's not a new employee).  There is a risk to being on a murder scene, sure, but this is his livelihood.  He knows the risks involved and how to deal with it.

BigK,

You nailed the reason for the MF.  Goldfarb is simply overrun with rage.

The A's are a character trait.  I wanted to give him his own distinct manner of speaking, and I thought something along those lines would be a nice touch.

Glad you liked the ordering the pizza bit.  I thought it was a nice touch of irony to wrap it all up.

Thanks again to both of you.