Where to start. Overall, a very predictable story. But good job just being able to complete a story whether full length or a short.
I think much more dramatic tension, although still predictable, could have be drawn out of your story. If Eve's cell would have died battery as part of the struggle to get away from the UNLIT CAR this would have helped rather than dieing immediately. For example, THE UNLIT CAR keeps pulling up harassing the girls, the girls try and try to get away all the while making several unsucessful calls to people who don't believe whats happening. When they do finally get thru to someone who believes them, the cell dies.
Also Valeries pregnancy should have been introduced earlier in the story.as this would have produced more tension toward her wanting to make sure that nothing happens to her unborn child. Anyway, what is the supposed purpose of her being pregnant?
Near the end you write, "Then without any kind of human foresight" in reference to the UNLIT CAR. I don't know how this applies to the UNLIT CAR because VERY late in the story you try and assign a human type quality to this vehicle. I think you should have established this from the very beginning by maybe making constant descriptions about the car's, "demon like qualities". I just think that if you would have heavily established earlier on that the car seemed more "possessed", than just some tiny bopper driven car, than this could have worked.
The "killer" car is introduced on the second page? No real build here or play for suspense. The girls just "happen" to run into this very urban legend as they're talking about it?
Descriptives need to be tightened up. "THE GUYS, an overly stuffed SCION BOX CAR, with hands, heads, fluttering out the windows foolishly". Is it THE GUYS or the SCION BOX CAR, that has hands, heads?
I understand you're trying to be unpredictable by having the car filled with a couple guys but, yeah but.
I guess I'm left with a lot of "whys, what's & where's".
Why did THE GUYS notice then take off?
Why did Tyler sense horror?
Why did they pass Citgo and drive further when they are about to be out of gas?
Why does the UNLIT CAR, still trying to pass, need to pass?
What is, "Long. Alive. A small city aside the road?". I'm thinking the STRAIGHT AWAY may be LONG, but what is "ALIVE".
"THE CIVIC veers into a parking spot". Where is this? This should have been established as a specific goal that the girls were trying to get to.
Why is a water gun firing at a window making a scratching sound?
When you say that the guys are "hovering around table because", the girl descriptions that follows don't work.
Eve leaves the table to find herself on the windows reflection? Why did she leave the table? Where did she go?
http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/PrefaceToPain1.pdf