Print Topic

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  Short Scripts  /  Human Nature
Posted by: Don, September 29th, 2007, 6:45pm
Human Nature by Margaret Avnet - Short, Drama - A man seeks revenge on a former classmate who teased him in high school. 6 pages - pdf, format 8)
Posted by: alffy, September 30th, 2007, 5:56am; Reply: 1
Hey Margaret

You need to complete your title page or lose it.  You have the same problem as me, you overwrite.  An example is your first description.

EXT. A TREE LINED MOUNTAIN ROAD - DAY

The narrow road winds through the trees which are full of Autumn colour.  It is silent except for the hum of a late model SUV travelling down the road.

This could be simplified because you told us about the road in the slug.  It could just read.

The trees are full of Autumn colour.  The silence is broken by the hum of an SUV travelling along the road.

As for the story, it read ok but ended a bit quickly.  It felt like there should be more, this just got interesting then ended.  Joe came across well, even thought the 'you know me from high school' is a bit cliched.

One thing that puzzled me though was how did Joe know Julia's car would break down where he was?

Overall I think this has potential, but needs a little work.  Your format is fine and the tension you built was good, but I think it just needs a bit more.

hope this helps.
Posted by: jammer, September 30th, 2007, 6:19pm; Reply: 2
come on now!!! you gotta finish good formatting oh sure you can revise a bit but overall nice job 8 out of 10, but ya gotta give us an ending
Print page generated: May 2nd, 2024, 2:29pm