How To Carve A Pumpkin by Tulip Twinkle - Short, Comedy - A racist, degrading, over-the-top, 50s-style "How To" video on how to carve a jack-o-lantern. <12 pages - pdf, format 8)

I loved the idea of this, but I think a lot more could have been done than what WAS done.

I was looking forward to reading this one when I read the logline, but...I just didn't find it very funny.  I love racist humor but didn't find hispanic\black humor funny.  It didn't offend me or anything, it just wasn't funny to me.


The opening deaths were very funny though.

Hey,

I thought this was alright but could have been better. I think it was a pretty good idea and could have been really good (like the Troy Mcclure instructional videos) but I found that I only chuckled at a couple things.

A lot of your jokes involved the violent mishaps of shooting the thing and most of those didn't work for me. I chuckled at the Henry, uncomfortable hand shake thing, and the cat, but most of them I thought were kind of uninspired.

I  found my self laughing hardest at the "go back to college" line, I thought that was pretty good, and also the scene in the Ghetto.

So maybe it needs more offensive racial stereotypes?

Well anyway, it fit the theme really well and was well written, overall I found it more or less enjoyable and amusing.

sheepwalker

I thought the idea of this was great I just wished you went more over the top with it, maybe make Stanley more like Archie Bunker, more of an idiot bigot, I think you could have gotten more laughs that way.  The first couple deaths were funny, kind of had a final destination thing going for it.  The ending was quite funny as well, ends with a bang...hehehehehe.  I think the theme and genre were used quite well here so congrats on that, I just wished it was a bit more over the top.

Good work.  I really liked the idea and the dark humour was delightful.  

53

Very nice idea and good way to include the necessary criteria. I was immediately drawn to this one by the logline.

It starts out well with kid being replaced after dying horribly, I could just imagine those choppy edits with a new boy on screen and everyone pretending like nothing had happened. Good stuff.

'Go back to college, Pablo' - Ha, that made me laugh out loud, good one! Henry trading his sister to the black guy for a pumpkin was also good. I felt the farmer joke was a missed opportunity though, it wasn't that funny and I thought it easily could've been if done a little differently.

All the injuries and deaths start to get a little tired in the middle. I get the distinct impression you were really disappointed that horror wasn't the genre for the challenge and decided to cram in loads of carnage some other way lol. There aren't really any other jokes going on at this point (stuff like the dog shit gag doesn't really work), I actually found Stanley getting Henry's name wrong funnier than that stuff, although sheepwalker brought up the Troy McClure videos and I remember the same gag in the one about meat ;)

Despite what I just said about about the over-use of deaths, I found the explosion really funny! Great ending, and the beginning was funny. It loses the laughs in the middle a bit. Like others have said, you have a great concept but you don't use it to it's full potential. However, I think comedy is the hardest genre to write and you got some laughs out of me (and others it seems), so well done. The script was also cleanly written (I didn't notice any errors) with concise descriptions.

Overall, nice job :)

Well we're finally finished carving our jack-o'-lantern. How do you feel Henry? LOL
That was halerious. (not using spell check, forgive me)
Oh my!
I don't know about adding any over the top dialogue for Stanley though. It was the 50s, and I think you did a good job with it.  
This was definately cute Miss Twinkle or should I say Ms.
You had the comedy, and you met the challenge. Good Job!

Cindy

You would think the studio would have given up on the skit after the first incidence.
And, I assume the door must be open for Henry to just walk through it!
Why would you use a V.O for Stanley in the field?

Your line – “Uh oh! A Negro!” – Politically incorrect!

And the sister bit, that did not work for me.

More of a horror story but the comedy side was there.
Well done!


My OWC Challenge rating of your script “Carving of a Jack O’ Lantern”:  7/10
Comedy Structure: 6/10
My rating of your script overall: 7/10

I thought this one was particularly good.

For me, physical comedy never reads well. It has to be seen to be funny. That's probably why it's called "physical comedy." The point is, imaging the physical comedy in your script, I thought it could be really funny if shot right.

I enjoyed the parts with the "negro" even if they were a tad offensive.

I didn't particularly like the very ending where the house blew up, it seemed a bit obvious, but I have no suggestions on how to write a better ending.

Overall, you stuck to the theme and produced a funny script, 8/10.

Tulip,

This was the first of the scripts I’ve read for the OWC, and I have to say that so far it’s off to a pretty good start. I thought this script was pretty well done, had some great laughs and some gross out moments, which is always good. Your formatting, spelling and grammer are all fine, I didn’t really notice any spelling mistakes or anything like that, so well done in that regard as well. I also thought this fit with the genre and theme perfectly, so top points there.

With a mix of blood and guts and savage satire, this was an enjoyable, funny script. It kind of reminded me of those great mock-educational videos Troy McClure was always doing in episodes of The Simpsons, just a lot bloodier. I would love to read an extended draft, where you push the Stanley character even further. Still, this was a really fun read.


Matt.

Tulip,

This is a very cute, and quite funny short. Your beginning and ending were the parts i felt were strongest. I chuckled at your "go back to college pablo" line and the "how do you feel Henry?" However i thought maybe your middle could be maybe alittle MORE over the top, just becuase i thought it lacked there. But nonetheless this was a great short.

Congrats! This was a fun read for me.

bryan.

You know what?  You've got a lot of talent, but need a trained professional to help you...

Ok, I'm being harsh.  And I'll tell you why.  I was seriously LOVING  the beginning of this and then you floored me and I thought:  "Who is this for?"  Some kind of drunken, drugged out - rape-the-girl next door scumb-bag crew who can't tell their left foot from their right?

You have a talent!  I can see it, but in my opinion you're going about it the wrong way.

This kind of humor works--I guess on late-night television, but I think you're better than that.

Up until the time the table collapses on the boy, I've got a genuine smile on my face and then:  Pow!  I was let down.  

>A knife lands in Bobby's neck?  Sorry, it's not my kind of humor.

Then:

>Go back to college Pablo?  Sorry, but to me, this is discriminatory.  I used to work with marvelous Spanish-Mexican people and I don't like that.

>The man stands on the porch with a young teenage girl.  He slowly pulls her into his home.

Now, I've lost all respect.  Taking a teenager?  This isn't funny.

Sparky the dog flying into a ceiling fan?  Again, it's not my type of humor--more of a sick thought.

>Stanley says, "Get the "f"ing seeds out?  You're writing for a select (swear) group.

I'm sorry but this really disappointed me.  I really do think you've got ability.  You were setting things up really well and then everything went down the tube.  I know that some people might like this kind of thing, but I'm not one of them.

My suggestion would be that if you write for a wider audience, you'll get better coverage.

Also, there's nothing wrong with doing "racial" humor.  There's an East Indian gentlemen here in Canada who pokes fun at his own race, and he's funny. But there's a way to do it and a way that's just not right.

What troubles me most about this is the fact that I see so much potential here.  You're set up is really good and I know what you're going for, but it would be so much more funny if you stay just on the side of "mild injury" instead of knives gouging into little kids and young girls getting sexually abused.

This was a good effort.  Despite my bias, I encourage you.  Try and think about your audience.  Who are you trying to sell to?  The late night crowd?  Ok, but not all of them are do-do heads; that's the way they're made out to be by what is often pumped out on television, but let's get beyond the rude and lewd.

Good effort!  Sorry for any harshness.

Sandra

Hey.

I liked this.  I think it could do with some moving stuff around though, to maximize the comedy.  One thing you do is have two kids die off right away at the beginnings of their scenes.  While this is funny, you can make it funnier with the rule of three (patters of three are funnier).  You end the pattern by having the third kid not die (at least till the end).  I recommend you have the first death as is, have the second kid die whil searching for a pumpkin, and that changes the pattern to kid gets a little further each time before dieing.  that way, the rule of three allows you to maximize on the laughter at the end, and also build suspense with each of henry's near deaths.

Also, cut sparky's poo joke.  Lame. and him flying into the fan.  It's gross and not needed, there should be enough blood in the room already.  Simply cut sparly all-together I say.

Much love,
Tyler

P.S. Loved the negroe line.  Gold.

I didn't find this to be offensive. In fact, I thought it was tame -- perhaps too tame. Still, it was enjoyable. It's an excellent idea. I just wish you had taken it a little further.

Seth

This was a pretty decent comedy script.

However I think you should spent more time on the meta-jokes about 50's TV-etiquette  than on people getting hurt. Like someone else said, it could be that physical humor simply just doesn't read funny, I dunno, but it didn't really work for me.

The Pablo line and Henry's "uh oh, a negro!" were by far the funniest in the script, IMO. I think some people might be offended by them, but I get you're poking fun at Stanley's overt racism, and not saying mexicans and black people are certain stereotypes.

Political correctness was never funny anyway.

My first one, so here goes:

I really enjoyed this one; it was a creative way to approach the theme and genre. For the most part your descriptions were effective, especially during those scenes of violence. Although the farm and “ghetto area” could’ve been flushed out more. Dialoged wise, it flowed well and you were able to convey the jokes in a clear manner. This one had me laughing several times. The disposable child actors in the beginning and the migrant worker/ farmer parts were my favorites. Great job.

edit: If anyone found this offensive, you need lighten up or light up.(smoke some weed)

Quoted from Nixon edit: If anyone found this offensive, you need lighten up or light up.(smoke some weed)

Each to their own!
We all have our personal likes and dislikes. That's what makes us so special as human beings - Pretty boring if we all thought the same. :)

Quoted from elis Each to their own! We all have our personal likes and dislikes. That's what makes us so special as human beings - Pretty boring if we all thought the same. :)

I couldn't agree more. Everyone has a right to their own opinion and I stated mine above. Now back to the script, since thread hijacking is not cool.

Heeeeey Punk,


So when I read the logline for this one, I immediately thought of Troy McClure or maybe something they'd show on Mad TV or Saturday Night Live.

I liked the beginning. Like some other people said, physical humor is funnier when watching it, but when you read it, you're just like, "Okay?" Though I liked it how Henry and his mom shook hands before he left.

Oh wow, haha Stanley is a racist bitch. Yeah, people might find that offensive, but we see and hear it every single day of our lives from the people we know and on television. But the "Go back to collge, Pablo" line was funny. I wish you could have gone into more depth with the farmer though.

So, I feel you're starting to lag with the comedy. The whole poop thing with Sparky, I didn't find that really funny.

Oh my God, not Sparky! Haha, and "How do you feel, Henry?"

So the ending seemed a bit...cliché but I still chuckled. Nothing like an explosion to end a happy pumpkin carving, eh? But yeah, your beginning started off good, but then you began to lag throughout the middle and most of the things weren't too funny. I feel you can spruce it up a bit. But then by the time the ending comes around, things started to pick up again. I didn't find any spelling mistakes and your descriptions seemed well-written. Your dialogue sounded good with the 50s theme.

Good work.

Sean

Liked the concept of this, taking the classic Ward and June Cleaver of TV Land and just messing them up completely.

Good tackling of the theme of pumpkin carving taken to the most extreme degree...

I thought this really funny, I loved the concept of a 50's training video.

The opening was great and the 50's views came across well.  The accidents were funny and I the ending was fine for me.

Overall I thought this was well funny, good stuff.

The author might have hyped this one a bit with their logline.  I can recall only two episodes I would deem racist, and those were actually quite tame.  The comedy here was mostly bloody slapstick.  

And there was a bit too much slapstick for me.  A little of that goes a long way, and you have a lot of it.  One carving knife episode would have been plenty, but the constant maiming of onlookers became predictable after a while.

Having said that, the opening bit where we lost one child after another was pretty funny, and it set the tone well for the remainder of the piece.  And I enjoyed how Stanley was menacingly benign throughout.  You did a good job with him, except for one small lapse near the end, where you had him drop the F-bomb.  That seemed out of character.

This one fit the challenge, with bits that worked early on, but the bloodletting became repetitive for me after a while.  I would have liked to have seen this take a few more unexpected turns with the subject matter.

OWC Score:  80%  

Yeah, I think the logline here was a little much.  I didn't find this to be overly degrading, racist, or offensive.  I mean you called a Mexican guy Pablo, and a black guy a negro.  That's about a 1 on the racism scale.

This was fairly good, comedy wise, in a slapstick way though.  Most of the ways in which the characters hurt themselves seem to have been in pretty dramatic fashion.  

I think Stanley could have used a different method of conveying his anger near the end instead of dropping an F bomb.

Anyway, a good effort.

One of the best shorts I've read for this challenge. I laughed by myself in the train that led me to work. A very good job indeed Tulip (?)

Michel 8)

Very good! Serious form - instructional video and totally wild comedy. It was like a spoof of "Final Destination" - a good target. I always find it weird when death gets a laugh. Some of the best scenes of "Groundhog Day" are when Phil is repeatedly killing himself. I think you've pulled off the same strange but hilarious mix here.

I actually thought this was pretty funny. In a sick dark way, but I like that.

I also liked how these over the top accidents and injuries keep happening, but the show goes on like nothing happened.

I did see the whole thing in my head in b/w too.

I bet whoever wrote this would like this film http://www.atomfilms.com/film/timmys_wish.jsp?channelKeyword=channel_wtf also sick and wrong, but funny and b/w too.

Pia

I chuckled at the beginning scenes, when the children needed to leave. That awareness of something might go bad should have continued onward though. The other jokes was kind of good but not as the first ones.  

Gabe

I like the idea of a send up of a social guidance film as a means of meeting the jack-o-lantern challenge.  It has the stiff narrator/commentator and the typical views on race you always find in them and in spots it is very funny.  But it kind of misses for me.  

What makes the originals so comic are that the characters/victims always make some sort of extraordinarily bad decision that leads to their demise.  In the short, people and pets seem to just get massacred for no other reason than the writer wants some gore.  And the set-ups and bloody pay offs get older and older as the pages go by.

I liked the idea of this, based on the logline, and figured we'd have an OTT straight man allowing all sorts of things, politically incorrect now, but fitting for the 50's.  A little bit peeked through, but got undercut by being flat out racist in a way that the 50's wouldn't have gone for either.  

The migrant Mexican worker not knowing what the kid was talking about I can see, "go back to college Pablo," not so much.  "Uh oh, a negro," works pretty well, but then it went to Henry selling his sister to the guy, and we've gone in an uncomfortable direction as opposed to "ha ha false racism used for humor."

I think the physical comedy might have worked well here, and you used the rule of three pretty well, sorry, I'm a stickler on that one at times, but the physical comedy ended in violent death for kids.  It was kind of like the racism attempts, kid falls into a table is fine, but then the knife falls and slits his throat is on that uncomfortable side.  The bit where Henry slices Stanley's thumb works because the violence was used in a slapstick way, as opposed to adding to a body count.

Maybe I'm being cantankerous, but there's a lot of potential, just ease up on the fatalities and use the innocent idiocy of the 50's to mine some good un-p.c. humor.