Beacon Station by Greg - Short, Comedy - An Icelandic woman facing deportation finds herself caught up with a group of people seeking the services of a master jack-o'-lantern carver in New York State. <12 pages - pdf, format 8)

This was well written in kind of a weird way and it moved pretty well, but I really didn't see any comedy here, or even an attempt.  I thought the idea of Dante the master pumpkin carver was neat and it did have an interesting mood to it, but I didn't find it all that funny.  Still this was interesting and it held my attention so for me it's kinda 50/50, good work on the theme though, it is used quite well here.

Where's the comedy?

This is a neat little spooky story with a love twist.  I liked the pumpkin nuts.  That was good, but....where's the comedy?

While this was not funny, it was a well written story with good characters. Good work!

05

Good story but needs a bit more flushing out.
A bit of an all too sudden ending; it was fate I suppose, although I think Sara’s sudden infatuation was a bit strange, considering she was only after a husband to stay.

My OWC Challenge rating of your script “Carving of a Jack O’ Lantern”:  8/10
Comedy Structure: 4/10
My rating of your script overall: 7/10

I really enjoyed reading this.  It was highly original and had a sort of stark mood to it.  I think it was because of the fact that Lara's responses are limited and I think it really works.  To me it was like the world was going by and Lara was a bit of an outsider--and in fact she WAS; so good on you for that--whether you did it intentionally or not.

As usual, we're trying to raise ourselves to the next level, so here comes the critic part of the critique.

The use of the phrase ["worries" a scrap of paper] had me looking up the simple word.  Did you mean rub?  Or is she worrying "over" it?  Maybe try and be a little more clear if you're straying from convention.

The use of pinch-faced I think belongs in novel form, but I like it.  I'm just wondering if it might be glaring to some.  I don't know, but I thought I'd mention it.

I LOVE the fact that they've all got a pumpkin.  I don't know why yet at this point, but even if it was a stunning coincidence, it's just a real mind picture that is stimulating.

I love most of the dialogue.  There are a few of what I might call inconsistencies or lapses, but it's over all really good. (I'll go over a few spots where I think you might work it a little).

>It could just as well be a million.  This can't be filmed so change it.

Also, how do you film the fact that Sue spent 40 years trying to find the perfect shade of auburn.

I like how Lara keeps saying "Oh," but when she sees the intricate spider web-pumpkin, I think you might have her say, "Oooh!"

>door slams open[s] [typo]

I don't know Beardsley.  Probably because I'm not a New Yorker.  Or because I don't look in regular (paper) newspapers anymore.

>Lara watches as the pumpkin people... I would write: Lara watches as the Pumpkin People...

I just realized that it was the intro when Lara enters the coffee shop that gave me the impression that no one else was there--because she says, "Hello?"  So yes, that's got to be fixed.

It's a little bit strange that she'd be carving in a coffee shop.  Maybe have her enter, have a coffee, see the Pumpkin Seller, meet Dante and go to carve over at his antique shop--something like that.  And maybe plant a bit of romantic intrigue into it as well.  Then, when we get to the end, we're really ready for it.

I don't think that Sue would leave the shop unattended.  It felt to me like they were alone in the shop.  But this probably isn't the case.

I think you might switch Lara to saying, "You might be a serial killer.  After all, you're good with a knife."  The reason I say this is because when she said "I might be a serial killer."  I thought it didn't fit.  And then when I read the next line, I thought, "Good one!"

I think that this is heading towards the realm of top notch.  And as far as comedy goes, I think you could twist it into that realm with a little bit of work.  For instance, instead of the reference to: "Sixty miles from New York city..."  You might instead squeeze in the Serious Man being so over protective of his pumpkin that he's put it inside of a cage or something.

Actors could go wild with this if you put in some nuggets.

One more thing:  Maybe put a reference to pumpkin or jack-o-lantern or carver into your title so that we know it's a Halloween story.  "Beacon Station" doesn't quite do it for a title.

Anyways, this was fun to read and I think you did a really good job.

Sandra

I'm almost embarrassed to say that I agree with the others about this not being a comedy, because it is such a beautifully written story that it seems a shame to criticise it.  

The premise of having all these people visit a master pumpkin carver was a little absurd, but not so absurd that I'd call it a comedy. However, you absolutely nailed the theme.

Your descriptions were great, as was the formatting.

Well done. You should be proud of this script.  

A very vivid piece of work here. Beautifully written.

I see the pumpkin people as being very funny. The way they held onto their pumpkins like they were babies... the waiting in the long line... slipping... but I think the comedy should be played out more. It felt to be more of a love story than a comedy.
  
Comedy is hard to write though. From what I've read you're supposed to have at least one laugh per page, and a lot of people don't think the same thing is funny...

I did enjoy the read, and the story.

Cindy

I'm echoing people on the bandwagon here. Not funny in the slightest, but everything else is pretty much top notch.

Unfortunately this is a comedy challenge, so I can't say that I'd pass this one.

As a love story it's very good though.

Heeeeey Punk,




Well, this was a really well-written script. Many people are complaining that it isn't a comedy because it just wasn't funny to them. There were some parts at the beginning that made me smile (like with the pumpkin people and stuff) and I'm sure that even if it makes you sort of go "Heh" then it's a comedy. If you laugh when it's intended (not because something is so stupid you laugh), then it's a comedy. Every movie has one.

I really enjoyed this story about how two people fall in love. I don't really have any complaints about anything. Your descriptions were perfect, your dialogue was really good, and the premise was great. You used the theme which is also good.

Whoever wrote this, you did a great job.

Sean

Similar feelings to the majority really, very well written and creative story but no humor and not even any attempts at humor. It's a rather strange story and that strangeness could be heightened to make it more comedic.

Other people have mentioned making the pumpkin owners more over the top; they could be incredibly silly, bordering on slapstick even, and that could be contrasted by Dante's seriousness and Lara's powerful attraction to him. I can just picture them, staring into each others eyes, having a deep and meaningful, oblivious to people in the background throwing punches and pumpkins at each other and slipping over in all the mess -- the stark contrast could be funny. You wouldn't want to compromise your story and characters, but I think those things could remain in tact while other parts were tweaked to induce some laughter. The story is off the wall, so off the wall humor could be incorporated perfectly.

I think it's only fair that you lose a few points for not sticking to the challenge criteria, but this is a very good and original piece of writing :).

Colorful character description, particularly that of Sue.  Great dialogue.  Dante felt authentic to me and Sue was a hoot and a 1/2.  For me, the funniest exchange...

LARA
You don’t know anything about me. I might be a serial killer.

DANTE
You’d be better with a knife.

I liked how the contents of the box signified that they were destined to be together.  As sweet as it was comedic.  Great storytelling.

Very well written, nicely thought out and an excellent intpretation of the theme. Loved it.

I think the comedy comes from the visuals of the people fighting and carrying on about thier pumpkins. Reminded me most of the Soup Nazi sub-culture on Sienfeld...To read that probably wouldn't be terribly funny, but to see it played out, it certainly works on a comic level...

Very real characters in a  down-to-earth, mature and sweetly romantic story.

Excellent work.

Nothing new to say here, very good piece but not a comedy.  The characters were strong and the story was nice but this doesn't stick to the rules.  

The setting was very well described and I liked the strange backstory for Lara.

This is a great romantic story, shame you forgot the comdey.

Aah!  Finally.  Someone who knows that comedy can be subtle, that you don't need a bunch of jokes or slapstick to make something funny.

The comedy here was with the fact that it was PUMPKINS being carved, being called art, having masses line up for it.  Surely you must have found that funny? Think about it in relation to michaelangelo who carves statues out of marble. Imagine the scene on the train, Lara, this icelandic woman with a goofy grin looking down the car at a bunch of grumpy and serious looking new yorkers.  That had me smiling.  Maybe a lot of people didn't see the humor because the challenge is to include carving a jack-o-lantern, so they thought you were trying to make a serious story with the theme.

And I loved the rest of the story too.  It just really worked somehow.  Usually the whole "marry me now" is cheesy and fake, but I believed it here.  It was something about how this script wasn't just completely overdone, there was something homey about it that I just found so extremely refreshing.

EXCELLENT job.

Much love,
Tyler

The plot was clever but a little on the dull side. I was inclined to agree with the rest that there were no attempts at humor here but after reading a couple other comments (namely Higgonaitor's), I can see where you were trying to go with this. With that said, there's nothing wrong with subtle humor but just like you can overdo something, you can underdo it as well. I think that's the case here. I remember Seth McFarlane saying something along the lines of "if it's a thinker, it's a stinker." I'm not one to take advice from the creator of Family Guy (sorry, the show's definitely lost all what little charm it had) but it's good advice nevertheless. My point is the humor's too subtle, to the point where no one can detect a trace of it, and that's not a good thing at all.

I also had a problem with Lara's character. She embodies one of the worst character archetypes there is. That is she exists solely to ask questions and for the plot to act upon her. As a result, she's almost completely devoid of personality. At least, that's what I thought at first. At the end, you introduce her dillema. I repeat, at the end. This is no good. Her dillema makes for interesting conflict. Unfortunately, it's conflict you've wasted by introducing it at the end. This needs to be mentioned somewhere in the beginning. Regardless of humor, it'll kick your plot up a notch, for sure. Still, Lara needs a personality. She has an almost childlike curiosity going for her, which was somewhat interesting, but that's not enough. She needs more. Personally, I think it'd be best to take her in a quirky direction so she's in sync with the tone of the script, even if she's out of sync with the events going on around her.

Overall, a clever concept but overly subtle and underdeveloped.

I thought this one was pretty good. Not brilliant, but pretty good.

The writing was nice and even the story. Unique even, in a weird way. I don't think I've ever heard of a master pumpkin carver that people travel to from far away and fight others for to see.

I felt some of the descriptions could be tightened some to make for a little bit faster read. It was a little slow going at times.

Lara's sudden decision to go with Dante seemed a little too convenient. I also didn't really feel his attraction for her being that strong until he told her. You may want to make that more clear.

Comedy wise, it wasn't much. The serial killer/you'd be better with a knife lines were the only thing that came close to it. For me at least.

I think you did a good job though. One of the better ones this time around.

Good luck with it.

Pia

I really like this a lot.  You've got nice, subtle humor throughout -- no, it's not an over-the-top, slapstick comedy; but there are all different kinds of comedy.  

Your writing is crisp and concise, a real pleasure to read.  I love the character descriptions, in particular, the line about Sue spending 40 years trying to find the perfect shade of auburn.  That put such an immediate picture into my head of her hair and how it looked, and even of the kind of person she is.  I know some people don't care for character descriptions that aren't purely visual, but I think this is the one place in a script where you can get away with something fanciful -- and I love it!

Great job.

I enjoyed reading this one.  It wasn't very comedic, but was absorbed into the world of the story easily.  It had an airy, fantasy quality (I'm sick of faerie tale, so I'm trying a different mode of expression) and I liked both Lara and Dante, which was very useful.  I could hear one of those weird songs in Wes Anderson movies as I read this and it fit.  Even though the real world intrudes just a bit at the the end with Lara's gay future husband (my wife's second cousin's a gay man named Erik, too.  Probably meaningless), it only enhances things as opposed to breaking the mood.

Not funny, but classy.

Thanks everyone for the reads.  I’m going to soap box briefly so bear with me…

The only thing I’d like to say is that film comedy is a lot more than set-up, joke and call back.  It’s Ealing Studios and Robert Riskin and Wes Anderson and the Coen Brothers.  

Film comedy – as opposed to situation comedy – can be tonal and descriptive.  It’s about creating a world that is completely real but at the same time completely stylized.  It’s about putting words in a character’s mouth that are completely ridiculous but sound completely like everyday speech.  

It’s a little more delicate than ‘a kick in the crotch always gets a laugh’ and a little harder to read especially if you are only reading for a punchline.  It made me a little sad that a large number of a pack of writers only saw comedy = jokes as opposed to comedy = story.

I don't think you need your soap-box. Fact is, a lot of people here recognize there are different forms of comedy and to demote every detractor of the humor in this script to languishing drones who worship low brow self-hurt comedy is missing the point, I think. And honestly it's a bit condescending.

I like (some) Wes Anderson (Bottle Rocket, Rushmore), I love the Coens (O Brother, Fargo or even Miller's Crossing); I like punchlines and I like tragic irony. One of the funniest shows on TV right now is Dexter with its macabre juxtapositions and dry spirit.

But the thing is, I didn't see attempts at comedy here. In fact much of it reminded me of the parts of Wes Anderson I think are over-indulgent and too satisfied with being dry and deadpan for no reason other than being 'out of place'. I don't know if that's any more admirable than a kick in the groin?

Maybe on screen it could be funny, but as it is right now, I didn't see the comedy. That's my opinion and you're of course entitled to yours, but don't assume people don't recognize the true scope of comedy just because they didn't find it here.

And I actually liked your script. I just didn't think it was funny.

And here's a first!

I agree with DM.

I think contest comedy is almost invariably expected to be the 'a kick in the crotch' variety. I struggle with it every time I have to write a comedy for a contest.  But I don't blame the audience or the judges, I just try and write for them.

I thought this was an excellent script.  It may have amused me a couple of times but it didn't make me laugh, chuckle, or even groan.  I honestly wouldn't classify this as a comedy and I'm probably one of the more open-minded about genre people who read it.