From Soviet Russia with Love by Henry Gaskins - Short, Comedy - Zombies, necrophilia, pumpkins, pregnant teenagers and crude sex acts. Your typical Halloween night.  < 12 pages NOTE: This is really obscene - pdf, format 8)

well this one fit the theme and genre pretty well, and I'm sure this will offend those with weak stomach's, but I'm not one of those :D.  This was pretty funny, toilet humor, but I like that so it didn't bother me at all.  I think things worked out to easy for Thurgood and Abraham, maybe a bit more conflict with the other carvers.  Other than that it was sick, vulgar, offensive, and I liked it :P

Yeah, this was pretty funny. Especially the first half. Kevin Smith dialogue VS Always Sunny in Philadelphia plotline. It worked for the most part, but it does sorta lack an ending.

The conflict, what gets the plot going doesn't come until page 7 or 8 which hurts the flow of the story some in a 12 pager.

But the dialogue was great and Thurgood and Abraham delivered some really neat banter.

The opening dialogue is fantastic -- really well done. That said, for the most part, I enjoyed this. The end, though, felt tacked on, as if lacking a clever ending, you went with a crude one instead.

Seth

Loved the opening gag...Took a while to set up, but enjoyable throughout to the final punchline that was well worth the build up.

The paying of the rent being "bad as a rear-ended in a Ford Pinto" was a funny reference, and the idea of hitting up thier local elemetary school was a good idea, that is, until the Jesus Pumpkin, which sends these guys spiraling into a completely different direction.  

Blackmail is always a good way to pay rent, especially when Cleveland and Heavy Equipment are used in the same sentence. (a significant step up from the tame by comparasion Cleveland Steamer)

Wicked good.

Joe

I got a real good idea where this one comes from -- but then, it also has an almost collaborative feel -- as if there may have been more than one participant involved in the mayhem.

I suspect there are two authors at work here.  Is anybody else feeling that?

This one opens with some great banter, but then loses its way near the end.

The Jesus pumpkin struck me as quite funny, and while I must admit that I have never heard of the odd sex act that punctuates this piece, I would question how you have the participants dressed and interacting with others so quickly after engaging in it.

Seems to me there would be a little cleanup involved.  Perhaps you could have wrung a little more humor out of the situation with hoses and mops during the finale.  But you were already running long, so whatever.

On-target with the challenge, and delivers some good laughs, but the ending lacks something.

OWC Score:  85%

I think I'm the same page as everyone else as far as liking the beginning, but felt it started to fall off a little near the end and end just a bit abruptly.

This is definitely a script that could have benefitted from those few extra pages we normally get, but even without them the story was still complete enough.

Hey,

I liked this one a lot, I thought the opening dialog was hilarious and strikingly similar to a conversation a friend and I once had.

While I don't seem to be as disappointed by the ending as some of the others were, its true I would have been happier to just stay in Abraham's and Thurgood's apartment and hangout with them.

Anyway, I thought it was really funny. You used the theme pretty well, although I thought you missed some opportunities while they were actually at the contest. Overall really good, nice job.

sheepwalker

The beginning: great. And I'm not just saying that because everyone else is. First of all, you're talking about zombies, so that's good. Second, it's such a grossout conversation that it's pretty funny. And it keeps going and things just keep getting more funny.

But then we start getting into more of the script and things just sort of fall loose. You mention jack-o-lanterns and there's only a small part where it actually shows someone carving on. But then you end up with a completely different conflict which, surprisingly, didn't really gross me out as much after all. I mean, if I actually saw that happening...:o

When I read the logline and saw the word 'zombies' I for sure thought that this was going to be a zombie script and I got prepared. And when I saw the part with the moaning, I didn't know it was THAT kind of moaning! Haha.

Your ending seemed a bit abrupt, probably because you were at the verge of getting on to page 13 (which, technically, would be 12 due to the title page doesn't really count), but yeah, there probably wouldn't be much to add after what just happened.

Anyways, good dialogue, nice descriptions (there was this one part of your description where I actually laughed out loud: From the amount of candy wrappers on the ground, its obvious that each kid is nearing a diabetic coma."), and good work.

Sean

I agree that the dialogue is good, but I thought it was too much of it. Sounds like a weird thing to say right after complimenting on it, but there was a lot of this banter and not much action.

Entering a pumpkin carving contest to pay rent is okay I guess, but I didn't really feel any tension, conflict, drama or whatever once they get there. Just more banter...

The end seemed a cheap way to end the story. Just a quick "we caught you doing something embarrassing, now we black mail you" and then it ends.

Maybe work on the ending some and try to add something "visual" here and there so it's not just two guys talking all the time.

Btw, I wasn't offended, but I didn't think the end worked.

LOL at your opening line, loved that.

It took me a second to think why a handjob in a church parkign was bad..but then after a few moments i got it . I'm so bad.

For me things started getting real slow around page 8. on't knnow why. Wait, just realized. The snappy dialogue went away and there were a few missed oppurtunities you could've taken. Ther was a point where the two main cahracters went into every single detail of every situation they were in which i felt was unessecary, because when you think about it, the mroe you talk about the insinificant stuff is how much more your taking up space on your page. Maybe cut some sentences down, trim it a bit.

Because when i got to the ending, it came sort of abruptly. and another thing, how did that lady rub the sh*t off her chest so fast? in my experience(which is none) i would think it'd take longer then jsuta  second, especially if it were dry.

One more thing, the last line 'Fuck my life' i personaly think should change. Only because since your script ends sort of out of nowhere, maybe have him do something else. I know the russian is a smart witty one.

This was prob the funniest ive read so far. My kind of 'Superbad'-esque humor. Congrats!

Well, this was a pretty good read. I liked the characters. Stoners with smarts. I think they certainly generated some interesting conflict. Malenkov was a great villain as well. Stereotypical Russian characters and/or jokes about Soviet Russia are almost always funny IMO. The plot unfolded in an interesting way and there was definitely some great humor. I think the Jesus pumpkin was my favorite bit and everyone loves to see if they can top each other naming and describing obscure horrendous sex acts so the presence of the Cleveland Steamroller made for a fun, albiet gross, conclusion.

Not many problems here except for one and this one stuck out big time to me. I had a big problem with the opening dialogue about having sex with a zombie. It was just way too similar to Kevin Smith's The Flying Car. The topic of conversation was different but it unfolded in an almost identical fashion and some of the dialogue came directly from the short. I'm not sure if you've seen it or not. This dialogue reads very naturally so it's possible that you haven't but the two just came off way too similar to me. I honestly didn't see what it's purpose was either. It's a little on the long side and doesn't set up for much to come.

Anyway, overall, a good read.

Quoted from James McClung I had a big problem with the opening dialogue...It was just way too similar to Kevin Smith's The Flying Car...it unfolded in an almost identical fashion and some of the dialogue came directly from the short.

Interesting.  I'll bet that is why I was getting the feeling of two authors on this one.  This almost felt like two scripts that had been pasted together.

It will be interesting to read the author's response to this when the names are finally revealed.

I liked this one. I liked this one A LOT, but I also think the ending needs something.

I laughed out loud quite a few times with this one. Characters were really good, so was the dialogue, and the story itself. The ending needs just a little something.

Very good job though.  ;D

Cindy

I found the beginning quite funny, it reminded me of my friends at Uni and sick drunken 'would you?' scenarios coming up, like 'Would you have sex with with your dad to save your mum's life?' etc. Gross but funny lol. My favourite line was actually when Thurgood said 'Just stop talking to me' lol, perhaps because it's the kind of response I've had when playing this game!

I felt it became less funny as it went on. I'm not too familiar with Kevin Smith's stuff but others have said the beginning closely followed his style. Perhaps when the actual plot kicked in and you veered off your own course you struggled a bit. I didn't like how the random but funny dialog changed midway and they starting talking in a 'Right. How can we--?' 'There's just one problem. We don't--' Good point. We need to think of a--, 'That might just work! Now all we need is--' sort of way. It felt uninspired, kind of like Scooby-Doo expositional dialog, especially compared to how they were talking in the earlier scenes.

Not a massive fan of the ending either, like Pia said, it's not offensive, just not that effective. But I laughed when Thurgood walked in on the horrific sight - 'Thurgood just nods and then after a few moments, he vomits uncontrollably' lol, that made me laugh, nicely written.

The script seemed inconsistent in tone but there were a fair number of funny moments in here (Malenkov was cool -- 'In Soviet Russia', lol, that was a good running gag) :).

The dialogue at the beginning was very funny but like most have said, it fades a little at the end.  I think this would be great as the opening to a feature cos the characters were excellent.  The story was ok but there wasn't too much pumpkin carving going on.

Although I just commented on the great dialogue at the start of this script, nearly half the script, but it has nothing to do with the story.  This is why I think it needs to be longer.  I know you couldn't extend this because of the page limit but it's something to think about for later revisions should you wish.

I had to read this one due to it's veiled James Bond reference, although the script itself contains no Bond-ish elements at all. That aside, I won't hold it against you.

The plot side of things is ok. Couple guys down on their luck raid an elementary school pumpkin carving contest in order to secure rent money for a landlord who gives them five hours. Pretty amusing.

The opening dialogue wasn't bad. It may have run on a bit long (half the length is this opener), and could probably be cut back quite a bit to move on with the story. The bit with the landlord being the janitor is cute, though only done to play into the ending.

Pamela Strode...Halloween fans groan. Did have some trouble accepting her language there at a family event.

So...a live on site pumpkin carving contest? I've never seen one of those or even heard of it. I don't think they'd get away with stealing some kid's pumpkin right there either. It was hard to accept the situation and became even more difficult with the sex scene.

The description of the actual act was also very difficult to accept. While I have very little doubt that this sort of thing would happen some where, it is unlikely to occur when someone is engaging in a quickie in a public place. This is someone being over adventurous with their screenwriting. These things have to be plausible...note, I didn't say "possible", only plausible. Public sex is engaged for the adventure factor, but has the requirement of being able to restore yourself back to presentable when it's over. Defecating on someone's chest prevents the possibility of returning to presentable...something about the smell...

The ending is way too abrupt and while there may have been an aim to get to this point, it wasn't set up at all, and there was not much of a punch to it. The final line said nothing and wasn't funny. The blackmail bit was very obvious when they begged to be let off the hook, and some fun could have been had with it.

It does have some decent moments, but is overall too implausible.

I agree with everyone else that the ending doesn't feel quite right - maybe if you had the opening dialogue hint at the sex act it might feel more cohesive?

Well, this was purely sick.

What kind of comment could one expect?  I don't know for what kind of audience the writer intends this to be, but then we live in a crazy world don't we?

For shock value, you get 10/10.  For the "now I've read everything" factor, you get 10/10.  For the "carefully crafted intelligent piece of work" factor, you get 0.

Sandra

Great piece of opening dialogue. Witty. Quick. Authentic.

I feel the ending needs work. The sex act was too easy. Also, there's not really any sort of setup and payoff for the script. Work on that, and you'll have something pretty solid.

This was a very funny script; full of the sort of take no prisoners humour I love. I'm a fan of anything that shows what people are really like, when they're not putting on a show for polite company, and this certainly does that.

The zombie shagging convo had me from the get-go and the story had me chuckling until the end. The how bad gag was another favourite.
  
I also thought the ending was funny and it tied everything up quite well. Although, as George said, the Cleveland Steamroller might not be that plausible in a quickie situation. However, I was prepared to overlook it because of the type of comedy it is.

I'm looking forward to finding out who wrote this.  

This has some pretty funny moments.  The "Jesus pumpkin" is a pretty funny line.  I agree that while the banter is entertaining, it takes up a lot of room.  In a 12 page script, we gotta hit the ground running a bit.  Since people brought up Kevin Smith, you need to "get to the mall faster" as was noted on Mallrats.  While the plot was generic, I trhink if there was a little more story to go with the funny, this could be even better.

This was a funny read.  Thurgood and Abraham definitely make for an interesting duo.  The dialogue is snappy and well-written; personally, I would look for opportunities to trim some of it, if only for the sake of pacing. As an example, check out the 3 bits of dialogue at the top of page 8.  Instead, you could just go with:

ABRAHAM
We need to win that contest. (maybe follow it with a line of action)

They race into the kitchen, whip open drawers, snatch up knives.

There were times when I thought the dialogue was aimed at a specific punchline, and those were the times where it felt a little bit forced, and it slowed down the flow.  

As for the ending, my only problem with it was, once Abraham catches Malenkov in the act, you pretty much know how it's going to end.  Rent free, baby!  The following is just a suggestion, feel free to disagree with it:

-- Have Abraham's look of horror turn to revelation as he pulls out his cell phone and zooms in tight on Malenkov and Strode.  Smile!  Cut to Thurgood back on the couch, noshing on popcorn.  New DVDs everywhere.  The sound of a vacuum -- Malenkov sneers at Thurgood as he does laps around the coffee table.  Abraham bursts in, unthinking, "I can't find my cell phone anywhere."  CU of Malenkov's face, you get the idea.

I thought this script was just a lot of silliness.  There was nothing interesting to it, just two idiots talking twisted logic and finding a stupid solution to their problem.  In order to use shock humor properly, your material still has to be funny.  This wasn't.

I can guess who wrote this, but I'll wait.


Phil

Quoted from dogglebe In order to use shock humor properly, your material still has to be funny.  This wasn't.

That's a matter of opinion, Phil. This script made me laugh more than any other script in the challenge.

Sure it isn't perfect and there are a few kinks to iron out, but it's a farce comedy. If you judge it based on plausibility of course it won't stand up, but most farce comedies wouldn't.

By the way, you don't have to guess who wrote it the names are up.

First off, thanks to everyone that read this. I didn’t intend on writing anything since school has been so insane lately, but after seeing the amount of flak Don was getting, I decided to write an entry.

It seems like people’s main problem was the ending. This was originally a fifteen page short. I was about to submit it, but after examining Phil’s original post more carefully, I discovered that the maximum length had been shortened. So, the ending was modified and it definitely shows.

There’s also a page missing which featured Thurgood and Abe on a public bus (en-route to the elementary school) discussing why mentally retarded people always seem so happy.

Regarding the opening dialogue between Thurgood and Abe. It’s based on a drunken conversation a friend and I had while watching the Dawn of the Dead remake. A lot of people mentioned that this had a Kevin Smith vibe. I haven’t seen Kevin Smith’s the “Flying Car” so I can’t really remark on any similarities. It’s kind of cool that my work is being compared to his. I’ve enjoyed most of his films.

So, thanks again. Maybe you’ll see a revised version of this off in the distant future. When I’m unemployed or out of school.

Which ever happens first...

Quoted from Nixon I haven't seen Kevin Smith's "The Flying Car" so I can't really remark on any similarities.

I had never heard of it either and had to look it up -- so I believe you -- but check out the transcript for the short:

http://www.viewaskew.com/newboard/messages364/1226.html

The similarities are remarkable, but at the same time, far enough removed to be convincingly coincidental.

It does sound like him, though -- and that is kind of cool.

I'm surprised you haven't seen the Flying Car. As Bert said, the "similarities are remarkable." I do believe you haven't seen it BTW. A drunk conversation sounds about right in my book. Still, the mechanics of the conversation are almost identical. The lines "there's a catch" and "why would he do that" actually appear in Kevin Smith's dialogue with similar responses and the whole conversation ends about the same.

If you're interested, I'm sure you can find the short on YouTube. It's only about 5-10 minutes and pretty funny. If not, it's attached as an extra to the Clerks II DVD. I think it's worth a watch.

Quoted from Takeshi That's a matter of opinion, Phil. This script made me laugh more than any other script in the challenge.

Making a handful of people laugh doesn't mean it's funny.

Quoted from Takeshi Sure it isn't perfect and there are a few kinks to iron out, but it's a farce comedy. If you judge it based on plausibility of course it won't stand up, but most farce comedies wouldn't.

Plausibility has nothing to do with it.  I've seen more outrageous scripts than this.  A and I would call this a poor example of farce comedy.  Forced comedy would be a better description.

Quoted from Takeshi By the way, you don't have to guess who wrote it the names are up.

FWIW, I don't look at who writes this and would rather not know who wrote it.  Also, FWIW, I was wrong with my guess.


Phil


[/quote]

Quoted from dogglebe Making a handful of people laugh doesn't mean it's funny.

It does if I'm one of the handful, because I have very good taste. ;)

If you go over the reviews, the majority of them said that this was funny. If a majority of a comedy's readers/audience find it funny, then it's funny, no matter what faults a critic points out.

Just read the script.  Mostly agree with what everyone had to say.

It felt like one person wrote the first 8 page and somebody else wrote the rest.  The first 8 pages feel like natural conversation me and my friends have(I think everyone has had a conversation like this at one time or another).  But about halfway through page 7 it starts to turn into on the nose-expositional-nobody would ever say this-Scooby Doo talk(thanks to whoever mentioned Scooby Doo before because I was thinking of a show where this was eveident).

But that's not to say it wasn't funny.  I mean, the first line made me laugh.  I think it's the fact that you picked the supermodel with the hardest name to pronounce to be the zombie.

To be honest, the only reason I read this was because of the little note that said it was obscene.  I wish it wasn't there because it built it up too much and I was expecting some seriously messed up stuff, and I was disappointed...but then again, if it wasn't up there, I probably wouldn't of read the script(and enjoyed it).

Part of me would of preffered if they just remained there and talked because I enjoyed their banter so much.  I've never heard a stoner use the word "disposition" though.  That made me laugh.

Great job.  Good script.  I had fun reading it.