Guest of Honor by T. Joseph Fraser (blakkwolfe) - Short, Horror - Child Molester Ronnie attends a barbecue where vengeance is a dish served smokin' hot. (6 pages) - pdf, format 8)

Thanks very much for posting this, Don. I greatly appreciate it!

Joe

Hey Joe,

This one was pretty short and to the point.  Definitely something that could be done fairly easily since you cut it right at the point that the torture is about to begin.

If there's one thing I would recommend, it would be to make Ronnie not so much of an over the top hillbilly.  In my opinion, it takes away from how much of a dirtbag he really is.  You've got a few instances in there where he obviously doesn't show any remorse, but the good ol' boy stuff makes it almost comedic.  Tone it down, make him creepy.  Make us REALLY hate him.

Other than that, a pretty quick read and an interesting subject.

Thanks for the review, Mike...Originally, in the car scene, I had Ronnie fantasizing about his 8 year old god-daughter being at the barbecue and the "memories" that "made him feel excited...", but I edited that out cause I thought it was too extreme...

Ronnie really is a dispicable character, and I'll put that back. It's disgusting, but he's an evil dude that deserves everything he's gonna get.

Thanks again for reading and your valuable insight.

Joe

Hi BW.  This short may read a bit too short.  I had precious little time to process who was who -- particularly this Riley fellow.  I sensed there was a great deal of backstory that I was missing, and I was left to wonder why he got to join the "party".  And who were all those people, anyway?

I might go out on a limb and disagree with Mike, however, as to your treatment of Ronnie.  He is supposed to be a caricature, with his feet out the window, and I think the way you handled him is appropriate for such a brief work.  You needed to establish him quickly, and you did just that.

Later, when you tell us "the air stinks of burned flesh" -- that there is a scripting no-no, unless you plan to film this in smell-o-vision.  A small point, but something to watch out for.

The gruesome descriptions you employed for Riley were effective -- the highlight of the script for me -- giving a very clear sense of what was in store for Ronnie.

And then you cut away, leaving things for our imagination.  It is odd that we get such a horrible fate for Riley, when Ronnie is our actual protagonist here.  I know what you are going for, I am just putting that out there.

I enjoyed your tale, but it held few surprises because your logline gives too much away.  Another thing you need to think about for future works.

Format and dialogue are all up to speed.  A nice sample of what you can do.  Next you should go for something longer, where you explore your characters a bit more.

Hey T,

Well, this was short and I enjoyed it greatly.

Though, there were some things that bothered me...

Quoted Text The air stinks of burned flesh.

How can you put that on camera if this were filmed? These are the type of descriptions that are more meant for a book rather than a script. I can see that you want to intrigue the reader and make him/her get the feeling that they do smell the burnt flesh (if that's the effect you're going for), but you need to have your descriptions show, not tell.

- It finally took me a while who Riley was. At first I thought you got Ronnie's name mixed up with Riley's, since they both sounded similar (and that was also confusing), and it took me a while to realize that the body hanging from the hooks WAS Riley. You didn't introduce him properly, which had me asking myself the question: "Who the heck is Riley?"

Overall, this was good and I did enjoy it. Good work.

Sean

Bert and Zombie; Thanks to both of you for reading this...

I changed that "stinked flesh" line to " A thin layer of black smoke hangs from the ceiling."

You were right that I didn't introduce Riley properly...Edited to read

In the center of the dance floor, RILEY, a brutalized figure is hung from the ceiling on two massive hooks....

This was an experiement for me, as I hadn't written anything horror before.

The short itself is based on an actual incident down here in FLA where a girl was murdered because the killer's friend sent the police in the other direction, even though he knew she was there and in dire danger. In my mind, He was just as guilty as the killer, but he got off with nothing.  

That's the inspiration for the Riley character. As bad as what Riley got, I like to think that Ronnie suspects that what he's gonna get is 10X worse...

Quoted from bert I might go out on a limb and disagree with Mike, however, as to your treatment of Ronnie.  He is supposed to be a caricature, with his feet out the window, and I think the way you handled him is appropriate for such a brief work.  You needed to establish him quickly, and you did just that.

I agree that his persona needs to be established quickly given the length of this piece.  I just wasn't fond of his character being developed in a "What if Joe Dirt were a child molester?" way.

The way he is here, I wouldn't have been surprised to see "Yee-ha!  Thanks for gettin' me off that there charge, buddy.  Now I can go out and touch all the tiny peckers I want.  Woo wee!"  

Quoted from Shelton Now I can go out and touch all the tiny peckers I want.  Woo wee!"

Sorry, I just couldn't resist boxing up that quote in association with its source.

It's a question of tone, Mike.  I read this as an over-the-top shocker, where characters are painted in broad strokes.  It's comedy of the darkest sort, and often the hardcore horror fans are the only ones who find it amusing.

Perhaps you were expecting something darker and grittier.  You are right that Ronnie does not quite work there.

Only blakkwolfe knows for sure what he was going for -- but he should take note that two readers came away with two interpretations of the tone and mood of this script -- and he should carry that lesson forward into future works.

That was short, sharp and to the point.  :)

I was kind of worried at the 3rd/4th page that I was going to end up a little short-changed by the piece, but I think the ending has enough of a punch to make it work.

The direction being taken seemed a little obvious - Ronnie is quite clearly doomed by page 2, but in a way I think that actually works for the story, making the end feel less abrupt.

Ronnie's redneckishness does seem over-the-top in my opinion though.

lol not bad i liked it  all my guess is you have some ideas for a beginning  a middle you can streatch the end out too, dont sweat the small stuff but you better write the complete script here you can post and we will help or rather those that know a lot i just know when i read something i like and i did this work up a 60 page think more, research some post and keep at it, you will need more ending but you knew that and your lawyer interesting he quoted the Bible more of that maybe?    btw leave the redneck alone he is the real deal i know way too many   like him( not the child molester type just 'necks) thanks for the work...jim

Quoted from bert ...that two readers came away with two interpretations of the tone and mood of this script -- and he should carry that lesson forward into future works.

I  will, in fact creating the appropriate tone is something I'm trying to work on, so this was a valuable excercise to that extent...

Quoted from bert Only blakkwolfe knows for sure what he was going for.

Just an effective horror short that was a venting of sorts.

James and Jammers, I'm glad you guys liked it, and thank you for your comments.

In retrospect I would have made Ronnie alot angrier and scarier as an atagonist...The lawyer should have been a bit more fearful, that this plan may or may not have worked...True, there was a level of trust between lawyer and client, but this is a violent, dangerous individual and should have been treated as such...

Jammer, I'm not sure there is enough story in there to pull into a feature, but who knows?

I do like this short, and I plan to keep working on it, polishing it and making it a good quality sample. Thanks again for taking a look.

very nice. you captured what a lot of people feel when it comes to pedophiles. burn these motherfuckers down.

nicely written and to the point. i'm not much of a critic. i'm just a beginner but i liked it. i'm even thinking about using this script for a uni project. i would have to rewrite it in german but that should be no problem. and it will be quite cheap to produce.

anyway i'll let u know.

Joe,

I think the script lacks a center of drama.  Ronnie's problem doesn't start until the last page.  Up until that, all we get is him gloating about his victory.  Big whoop.  Even then, your protagonist is a complete bastard.  Who cares?  I didn't.  The only satisfaction that one might get out of the script is that he got what he deserved, but, even then, I wasn't enthralled by any part of the story.  

On a different note, I do think you handled your characters very well in the script, especially Ronnie.  He'd make a perfect antagonist.  However, I think without a story, conflict, and a likeable protagonist, you don't really have much.  

Hey blakkwolfe,

Not bad. I do have to agree with Mike and others. Ronnie is just to "Yee-haw" for me. Might as well have him slide across the hood of Mitch's car and climb in through the window. When Mitchell says "Money talks," I found myself wondering "whose money." Ronnie sure as hell don't sound like he's got any.

Now correct me if I'm wrong but Mitchell purposely did this case (pro bono) and won just to be able to torture this guy. Seems like a lot of sicko behavior from seemingly normal people. Seems like everybody is taunting and laughing when extracting revenge in these scripts. Maybe if one of the torturers expressed an intense anger after a few act with mocking malice. Kinda to put the situation back in perspective. Eh, that's just me.

I did like the "couple of relatives you may not have met yet" line.

All in all, good show.

I liked this one.

Unlike some of the others here, I see redneck/hillbilly type people like this every day and not just one of them either. They're everywhere around here seems like so he wasn't too yee-haw to be believable for me.

Story wise, I agree that all child molestors should die the most horrific way as possible. I liked the idea of the good righteous people planning and enjoying to be equally as bad as Ronnie. What does that tell you about them (the party goers)?

I thought it was a nice short. Well written and entertaining to read

I too thought this was a good short.  In only 6 pages you managed to lead us down one path and then divert us down a different one at the end.  I loved the fact that Ronnie was delt with, or was gonna be delt with brutally.  It's a nice idea that his lawyer gets him off so he can be handed over to the victims father.

Hey Joe Waddaya Know ;D.  I'm hopped up on a bunch of meds at the moment, so if I'm a little incoherent I apologize(probably wouldn't even be able to tell the difference  :-/ ).  I thought that this was a pretty wicked idea you have here having a lawyer get a guy off just so that they can have their way with them later.  I think it starts off a little too quickly, maybe give us a better idea of Ronnie and what he is, at only six pages you could add another three or four.  I liked his reaction when they got to Mitchell's house, must have crapped himself...hahaha, that would be a funny touch, have Ronnie soil himself at the sight of Riley.  Anyways this was well written, I think you could add a little more at the beginning, but other than that little quibble this was a good read.

Well... that was cool! I liked it alot. I didn't think Ronnie was to over the top. I'm glad you didn't show Ronnie being tortured. That would've been to much, I think. The way it is perfect. You leave Ronnie fate to the readers imagination.

~Zack~

Joe, thanks for the read.

My comments are really twofold.  If you were to keep it the current genre, which my guess would be horror - certainly from Ronnie's POV - I would look to expand the short (maybe a 15-pager).  Show the audience just how dastardly a person Ronnie is, introduce them to Simon early on (briefly), and then have Ronnie's... barbecue.  Otherwise, IMHO, I would consider twisting it into more of a dark comedy.  No easy feat.  Unless all of Ashley's friends were invited for supper, and they brought their own... utensils.

Have fun!

Tony

Hi Joe,

I think this is a very good idea for a short.  :)

I have to admit that though that I got kind of side-tracked with all the different names being mentioned in this short. I had to go back and read who was who.

When you showed Riley hanging inside, I was like who is this?

Even the dialogue with the lawyer and Ronnie... I had to go back and read who was who.

Could be just me, but maybe you should change Mitchell's name to a more lawyerly name. Mr. so and so... to suit his character...

I think the Ronnie character could be played out a little meaner, too... a vile puke of useless life.

I didn't understand why a lawyer would go out of his way to get him off the hook just to torture him instead of putting him behind bars where he could rot and get tortured at the same time by other inmates... ???

Well, that is, unless Ronnie confesses to him right after the trial or right before the verdict came in. Then the lawyer could make a couple phone calls to set this up...

My two cents,

Cindy

Quoted from CindyLKeller I have to admit that though that I got kind of side-tracked with all the different names being mentioned in this short. Cindy

I had the same problem to a certin extent. No biggie though.

~Zack~

rednecks  can have money(smile) and believe me come south and i means way south ronnie maybe a bit too polished to be called a redneck..and i do think you have more there lots more but let it simmer  awhile the lawyer

the lawyer may have done it for free notice he did quote bible so a revenge can be a motive heck the story could be about the lawyer not the 'neck

drama? in 6 pages he did very well with the script

Hey Blackwolf, as soon as I started reading this I thought, wow this lawer is a real swell guy. To good to be true.

As soon as Ronnie pulled up at house with lawyer you could see Poor Ronnie was going to be baited.


You kind of lost me at the end when the script plunged into Saw territory.  Something original would have really worked here, something novel. Like- Oh I don't know -they bound Ronnie, toss him onto a catapult and fire him at the horizon . Gross out violence is becoming so common here at SS that's it's becoming old hat and boring.

But other then that it is well written and an enjoyable read. The first page put a smile on my face.  

  

Hey Joe, I don’t think I read anything from you so I decided to take a look at this one.

*SPOILERS*

There are some interesting elements in here: A party that turns into massacre. An attorney that feeds his client to the wolves. Good stuff, really. Interesting read.

I must say you made quite a “risky” story choice since, usually, the screenwriter must try to make the audience feel empathy for the protagonist and you picked a child molester as such.

The bastard gets what he deserves at the end and that’s a suitable ending considering the story that was presented.

That’s giving the audience what they want, which is good.

But if you choose a protagonist that the audience can root for (instead of having one to root against) then their emotional connection with your protagonist will be stronger and they will feel much more invested in your story.

That’s making the audience want what you give, which is better.

That’s why I can’t help but wonder if this exact same story could work a bit better if told from another character’s POV (lawyer, one of the victims, etc.). A huge change, I know. But trust me, if a rewrite doesn’t feel as pulling your own teeth out, it’s usually worthless.

Take for example, the lawyer. This guy must have had very strong motives to betray nothing less than a client while becoming involved in criminal activities (killing and torturing a child molester is still illegal, unfortunately). What personal experience could have triggered this behavior? Must have been something as strong as having a close relative molested, at least. I wish you had expanded on his character a bit since his motives are pretty crucial in the story’s development and outcome.

And I wonder how the story would read if told from the lawyer’s POV. I think you could get the exact same story across, but told from the POV of a guy that the audience could relate a bit better.

This was an interesting short but I think the story has potential to be much better.

Just my two cents. Hope it helps.

Thank you to everyone who took time to read and comment on this demented, angry short.

Ronnie is a bit of a redneck, however I don't think he mentioned who his driver is...(Junior)
Being in rural Florida, you do see this type, although not to this extent.

Quoted from Mr.Z But if you choose a protagonist that the audience can root for (instead of having one to root against) then their emotional connection with your protagonist will be stronger and they will feel much more invested in your story. That’s making the audience want what you give, which is better. That’s why I can’t help but wonder if this exact same story could work a bit better if told from another character’s POV (lawyer, one of the victims, etc.). A huge change, I know. But trust me, if a rewrite doesn’t feel as pulling your own teeth out, it’s usually worthless. Take for example, the lawyer. This guy must have had very strong motives to betray nothing less than a client while becoming involved in criminal activities (killing and torturing a child molester is still illegal, unfortunately). What personal experience could have triggered this behavior? Must have been something as strong as having a close relative molested, at least. I wish you had expanded on his character a bit since his motives are pretty crucial in the story’s development and outcome. And I wonder how the story would read if told from the lawyer’s POV. I think you could get the exact same story across, but told from the POV of a guy that the audience could relate a bit better.

I agree, and I will do that. I had intended that Mitch was the protagonist here, but I see where that didn't come across (at least I think I do.)

More exposition of his character, before we even met Ronnie, may have better established him as a dark, vigilante type.

As it stands, Ronnie drives the story as events happen as a result of Ronnies character.

Mitch's desire for justice (sick, twisted and illegal as it may be) should be the main catalyst for the action.

Thanks again to everyone who read and commented. I greatly appreciate it.

Hey blakkwolfe,

Yeah, I guess this was alright. I liked that it was a fast read and that the molesters got theirs in the end but I think you overstated Ronnie a bit. You should tone him down a bit. Not that i know any childmolesters but i don't think that they're the most outgoing type of people - I could be wrong...just a gut feeling. And, because Ronnie is such an asshole, you (the reader) knows what's gonna happen to him.

It's a classic revenge tale with a nice gory twist - but not all that original.

Quoted from Guest of Honor The air stinks of burned flesh

You can't do that in a script. You have to find some way to show this instead.

Quoted from Guest of Honor [...]a brutalized figure is hung, [...]Ronnie is panicking, [...]Mitch is standing

I personally don't like those "is's". You should write more active. Example:

...a brutalized figure hangs
...Ronnie panics
...Mitch stands

Just a thought.

Anyways, a solid read.

Cheers
Rob

Quoted from sniper I personally don't like those "is's". You should write more active. Example: ...a brutalized figure hangs ...Ronnie panics ...Mitch stands

Thanks very much for the read, Rob...I'm trying to break out of the -ing habit.

Ronnie is a cartoon at this point and I plan to make him a lot more ominous in the re-write, which I hope to have finished shortly.

Again, thanks for your comments!

Joe

Hey Blakkwolfe,

Ienjoyed the story overall. I've been thinking about doing this type of story. It's still being thought up though. And I like these type of stories. I wrote a piece similar to this that still lurks about in this site. But I need to redraft it into a feature.  

But to the story at hand,  I agree with all about Ronnie's character. Too much.

I think you should also hint this betrayal around the beginning such as Mitchell glancing at the judge or something behind Ronnie's back.

I also think that handcuffing Ronnie's hands that quickly wouldn't work. Either tricking him into doing it with a female or knocking him out.  

Hope this helps,
Gabe

Quoted from Mr.Ripley I also think that handcuffing Ronnie's hands that quickly wouldn't work. Either tricking him into doing it with a female or knocking him out.

Thanks very much, Gabe...I'm workin on the re-write, and I will keep those suggestions in mind. Having a womanly incentive before the party helps with the whole "why should I go with you" problem.

Hey Joe,

A good germ of a script here.  I think there needs to be a bit more though.  Like I would like to see some of the trial.  Just to get a feeling for the other characters.  It might also be good if you foreshadow the fact that his lawyer is in cahoots with them.  I don't really think you need to extend the torture scene but it would probably please some folks.

Well done, good start, looking forward to reading the revision.