Human Touch by Vasili Vikhliaev - Short - Can a simple smile save a life? 3 pages - pdf, format 8)

it's my first script. i've got no idea if this one is any good. any comments are more than welcome.
cheers.

Your script has an interesting sort of "zen" feel to it.

It's a really nice idea - the way a simple act of kindness can ripple out and cause big changes in someone's life.

There are a few typos and the scene headings need to be completely in caps. I'd also suggest tightening up your descriptions. The opening - in my opinion - would read better along the lines of:

Quoted Text ANITA, (20s) smartly dressed, sits dejectedly on one of the benches.

I'd also like to know more about Claudia - what kind of life she has... what's led her to contemplate suicide... what was in the letter... etc.

For a first script this was a decent attempt - now you just have to build on it.

yep nicely done..of course it will be made larger most writers and you are a writer post the short scripts to see the reaction of their peers, you did well i would say do not write 20-40 be certain of their age makes a big difference in the mental outlook, but thats minor, i want to know about the main players in this script i'm interested so ya got me hooked more please....jim

Vasili,

First off, your font is wrong.  Should be 12 point Courier or Courier New.  I also agree with jammer that the ages should be just a little more defined.  You have Anita as 20-30, which could be 20's, and Claudia as 20-40, which is much too large a gap.

You need to capitalize the characters names when they first appear as well.

Her train is announced.  Add a VO line of dialogue with the announcer saying the train info.

I try not to go on about format and things, but since you said this is your first script I figured I'd take a little initiative.  From a margin and spacing standpoint, it seems to be fine, but as I said above you need to switch the font and capitalize things in the proper place.  Sluglines being one of them.

The story itself, was simple yet effective.  A good glimpse into how something so simple and trivial to a normal person can in actuality make a big difference to someone else.

Get the format and technical stuff worked out (proof, proof, proof..way too many typos for just 2 pages) and I think you'll have a good script on your hands.

james, jammer, mike. thank u very much. i'll return the favour.

cheers.

Not much to say that hasn't already been mentioned, too many typos, sits where seats should be and so on.  The concept though was nice, a simply gesture can change the outcome/direction of someones life.  The feeling that just one person cares enough to ask if your ok.  For a first script this was good.

This was a simple story.  Not much can happen in 3 pages but you captured perfectly how lifting a smile or human touch can be to some one feeling blue.

But this feels like another one of those micro shorts that is more like a commercial then a true short:  feeling blue, Give sad people a smile. They'll appreciate it so much more.  

Things to do with the next script you write?

Well your idea and story is good so nothing to mention there, however when write action remember script is visual so only write what can be physically seen. writing about people feelings or what they are thinking is a waste of time.

Wouldn't hurt to read up on a book on script writing and learn how to do proper format.

Look forward to your script, make sure you remember to post here.

Vasili,

That name rings a bell in my ears...sorry, my first husbands name, lol.

Vasili, for your first attempt it's quite ok!

I don't know how old you are but I can most definitely say, English is not your first language - and that is fine, it's not mine either.
Time and practice will make you better.

Also, as the others have said in their comments...tighten your formating.

If you are not using a writing program, invest in one - if you are serious about writing - or, try one, Celtx is free.

Do a lot of script reading! this will clarify format issues.

As for your script, if I close my eyes to formating and your use of the English language...your story is short but has meaning.
I think you need to define your chartacters ages and maybe give us a little bit of background as to the motives of suicide. We need to understand your characters.

Hope I was of some help.

Keep writing, look forward to reading more of your work as you progress.
Cheers. ;)

Quoted from elis Vasili, That name rings a bell in my ears...sorry, my first husbands name, lol.

lol. that's funny. especially since that's a rare name.

thx alot elis, tonkatough and alffy. i know i have to learn a lot. i wanna start studying film next year, so i need to learn how to write scripts. you guys have been very helpfull.

cheers.