The Emo and the Squid by Glenn Bresciani (tonkatough) - Short - An Emo has an emo moment of despair, tragedy and grief when the people out in the street mistaken the Cthulhu image on his shirt for a squid. 11 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi Tonka;

This was greatly bizarre and wicked funny, with all nods to Lovecraft, Metallica and the Muppets...You did awesome in capturing the emo "pain numbs the pain" mentality that makes them all so warm and cuddly. Loved the rubber hammer episode and the old man running around with squids.

Broke down a little bit with the E-bay flashback. I know you needed the tie in to the seafood shop, but I think even if we saw this action in the beginning, it still would have been funny, as we see the action through the point of view of Reedy, and his confusion to the old man would still be the same...

Great short and I enjoyed it.

This had a great concept, but I think you stretched it out for too long. It could've been a really neat super-short with just the ire of the emo, having his profound shirt print mistaken for something banal. Although come to think of it I don't think Chtulu is very emo-ish. They're not that much into mythological creatures.

There were some very funny scenes in this, like the one invlving the rubber hammer and the call for blood and the shrieking in disgust when it actually comes. I enjoyed how you exposed these pretentious kids in such a humorous manner.

I agree about the E-bay flashback seeming disjolted. Would be cool if you could tie in the store earlier in the script so the pay off would seem more warranted.

P.S.

But I gotta say, the emo movement must've really changed these past few years, because these kids, obsessed with suicide, seemed much more like goths to me. Emos don't want to kill themselves they just wanna make faux-profound observations about life that'll make themselves seem deep and then cry about it. You know, like "the other day I saw a bird lying on the street dying, blah blah blah moment of profound realization blah blah blah I hate my parents blah blah blah everybody's fake but me"

It's about being overly sensitive, not about wishing you were never born. Last time I checked at least. Which, admittedly, is a few years ago.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JMvMzQ4Vu-8

This clip is pretty accurate and funny too, I think. Exceot for the clothing. But look how she pretends she's sad about the world, but really she's sad about Marna going to the senior prom because she's freshman.

Hmmm, I'm not so sure you should treat self-harming and bi-polar disorder in such a throw-away fashion, but that's just my opinion. It jarred a little for me and brought me out of the story.

I think you really need to somehow explain the Cthulhu Mythos - not everyone's going to be a fan of Lovecraft, even if they should be. If people don't get it then they're not going to understand the main joke.

Also, the main character was just too annoying for me. Teenage Emos/Goths annoy me as it is, so exaggerated versions are almost too much. I think a toned-down version, with a more visible love of thing Lovecraftian would make the jokes work better (though they're still pretty funny as they are).

Sorry to sound overly negative - it's just you've got a great idea at the heart of this one and it didn't quite work out for me.

Hey Glenn, this was a very strange story you wrote here.  It had such an odd tone to it, but I kinda dug it, I think it did go on a bit too long though.  I think Reedy is much more goth than emo, the whining part is right, maybe if he was a bit more androgynous, I think T.J made a few good points.  Maybe if he is having an identity crisis from going to goth to emo, that would be kinda funny cause the two are very similar but very different as well.

The last few pages got a little too weird for me, I was kinda puzzled what the heck was going on, but when Sophie and Zed were trying to talk Reedy into cutting himself, I thought that was kinda funny, I never knew why people do that so it was funny to see.

anyways this was weird and twisted, but a little too confusing, still it had some good laughs.

Well Glenn, this was definitely different and I do mean differrent.  I never know what to expect from you now.  I don't think my mind could ever come up with a story like this.

I should mention that I had to google at least a few terms after reading this so you succeeded in expanding my vocabulary.   As for the story - I had no idea where this was going from one sentence to the next.  It held my interest and it was kind of enlightening to learn about the strange culture of goth's and emo's.  

I'll throw in my hat and say I'm one who liked the ending - it fit in well with the unconventional tone of the rest of the story.  It gave it a sort of ironic twist.

Glen,

After having read the Schizo Express and liking it I decided to give this one a read as well.

Your writing is good, but I think your strength is in the weird and bizarre things you come up with. Not everyone can do that.

I enjoyed this script and I don't know anything about EMOs or Goths. I was still able to understand everything and thought it had humorous moments. Not LOL moments, but amusing never the less. My favorite probably being when Reedy cuts himself and his friends freak out at the sight of blood and runs.

I think the ending was fine. I thought that was funny.

Btw, seafood is one word.

Good job on an enjoyable quick read.

Thanks everybody for the read.

Wow, I really thought I would've been bagged out something shocking for having emo express his feelings on the nose. Very hard to write cause as a writer you hone your skills to not write like that.  

I kind of assumed everyone would be familiar with the Emo culture when I wrote this, and with horror genre being the most common here, I guessed everyone would have first hand knowledge of Lovecraft and his works.

I've actually never met a real life Emo and to be honest I'm not sure if they even really exist. I did heaps of research on the culture and it seems to silly to be real or even to take seriously. Which is why Emo are targeted for endless parody.  

I find stories like this almost impossible to review, it's just too hard to make suggestions amidst the madness!

I will say that I thought that neither the beginning nor the end really grabbed me, but the middle more than made up for that. The beginning didn't really entice me in or make me feel like I was about to go on a journey and I think a story like this needs to have a slightly stronger foundation, a stronger backbone if you will, to drag us through the surrealness.

I'm not sure if you can glean anything of use from that paragraph but anyway...

Underneath the surface is a tale about the search for identity and meaning and it reminded me a bit of Donnie Darko in a way. One of those films that seem like they have a philosophy but you can't really put your finger on it. The ending kind of sums it up I suppose, the kind of meaninglessness of it all.

There were some really stand out parts, the hammer scene, the "numb the pain" parts and the old man with the squids.

I'd personally prefer it if it was slightly more focussed. Judging it in a traditional sense i would say that the main character is perhaps a little passive, life seems to happen to him too much rather than him trying to achieve something.

I think in some ways that is linked to your style of writing, you tend to have charcaters whom very bizarre things happen to. In some ways your main characters are incidental to the story, just a device to explore your worlds.

I'd give him a very specific quest or goal, whether it is discovering the meaning of life or just how to end his unhappiness. Just something that the audience can cling to a bit more strongly before you take us on the roller-coaster. I think it is important, even when you are parodying something, to have the characters believable, even if a little extreme.

Then, whatever happens, I'd personally be tempted to have him finish the film sipping invisible tea from the plastic cups at the end, after he himself has discovered the truth about the Culthulu T Shirts ( it's more poignant and invloving that way).

"What is it?"

"Try it and see"

Reedy slowly lifts the plastic cup to his lips and takes a tentative sip. His eyes light up in ecstatic surprise.

The end.

That way you can leave it on a kind of tragi-comedic note of the fact that life is pointless but at least you can choose your own pointless pleasures.

Or something.

Great read though. I wish I could be of more constructive help, because there is an even better script in there waiting to come out I think.

Rick.

Hey Glen,

This was a very quick enjoyable read with lots of whitespace. But I have to agree with Rick on this one.  Fun middle - so so begining - so so ending.

I liked it but I did find a few issues with it.  I think the characters seemed a bit more goth than emo, but what do I know about those sorts of things anyway.   I loved the nonsensical stuff you threw in in the middle - the bizzare tea party and the bi-polar old man.

The thing I didn't like in the begining was the woe stuff.  It seemed way too trite.  This might have been what you were going for but IMO it didn't work.  Immediately made me not like the character.

The thing I didn't like about the end was it was wrapped up too tightly.  All the fun stuff you put in the middle kind of gets wiped away by the greedy commercialism.  Again, this might have been intended but it didn't work for me.

Good job but it came across a bit more like a squid than Cthulhu himself.

thanks for the review guys.

Considering this script was based on a throw away punchline you seem to have read a lot into it Rick.  I found it very interesting about what you said in regard to character is just a vehicle to take the reader through a strange vivid world. Have to agree with you and have to make myself aware of it so I can flesh out my characters more.

Mcornetto yes the woe potery at the begining was meant to be lame because the character is lousy poet.  

Hi Glenn that was a really strange story, in a good way though. Very quick read too.

I haven't read any of the other comments so sorry if I repeat anything.

I think this would make a great little animated short, although the subject matter is very dark. You've probably never heard of an English animated series called Monkey Dust but this is of the same sort of humour. Really dark but daft at the same time.

The only line I think you could change is 'jogger jogs past Reedy'. Just didn't read right, but that might just be me.

I think you achieved exactly what you set out to with this so well done. My favourite line "Play me some rhythm and blue Dr. Teeth!" haha such a bizarre character the Old Man. You should maybe give him a name aswell, as long as it's weird enough to match his character.

Well done mate and thanks for a fun read.

Ste

Thanks for reading my script Stebrown and for bumping it up from page ten to page one.  yay so happy to be on the top again until Don posts a batch of new shorts.

Monkey Dust? Never heard of it. But it sounds cool. Have to scrounge around on Youtube and see if it is there.

Hey Tonka,

The tone of this was a little too uneven for my taste. It first seemed like straight parody fell into a serious sense in a couple of spots.  After a few of these back and forths i think i stopped being able to mak the transition. I really think you have to commit more to one side of the other and judging by this it seems the more madcap parody would be more your still.

I do agree that the end could be cut. If you do decide to lighten it up and not put the kid in the hospital, maybe Reedy can, after professing with passion the ills and hypocrocies of the world, maybe he can walk by the seafood place, realize he's still part of the "system" and utter a defeated "f*ck."

Anyway, the writing was well for sake a couple typo's (ex: you capitolized Patience at the end) but I think the tone was too scattered.

Tonka,
Created a nice contrast from pg 1 when Reedy answers the door and reveals his upper class surroundings.
The idea of two emo kids arguing over who has the tougher life and trying to one up each other was great.
Having Reedy being the odd man out because he hadn't done something that was so routine to emo culture like cutting yourself was good.
The one thing that I was frustrated with was the difference between the Cthulhu and squid. I had no idea going into the story what a Cthulhu is or looks like and still don't. Maybe a little explanation in the script would help for me and anyone else who's in the same boat.
Oveall I liked it a lot, the Old Man has some funny, weird one liners too. Good work

Thanks for the read N7.

Cthulu are from the horror stories by Lovecraft. Sort a big evil tenticle space demon overlord thing.

And  the wacky one liners from old man I can't take credit for them cause they are in fact catch phrases from muppets from the muppet show.  

Muppets are cool.  

Not sure if I liked this one all that much. It was too self aware for a story that could've been a lot funnier. Angsty kids complaining about pain then embracing pain then saying things like "woe is me, woe is me" and "pain numbs the pain." Even the biggest posers don't talk like this. I wouldn't expect them to anyway. I think you'd be better off trying to figure out how these guys actually behave than merely parodying them. They're already melodramatic enough in real life. As of now, this is more parody than satire. I'm not sure which one you were going for but I think satire would have worked better.

Also, what was the deal with the old man? Strange fellow, to say the least. I'm pretty sure he's more than just bipolar.

Finally, I would say Cthulhu (BTW, Cthulhu is only one creature, not a kind of creature) is more suited for goths than emo kids and the characters you have here seem to be more goth than emo anyway, since we're talking stereotypes here. If you wanted to be really accurate, Cthulhu is most popular amongst literary folk and sci-fi dorks who read Terry Pratchett and watch Battlestar Galactica. But goths work well enough.

Anyway, bottom line, I'd try to make these characters a little more realistic. With stereotypes like goths and emo kids, it doesn't take much to go too far. Just a little bit is good enough.

Thanks for the read James.

Yeah you made a valid point. The Emo are a parody and sterotyical because to be honest, I've never met a Emo or seen one in real life. Do they exist? Or are they myth?

I came across the word emo a lot on internet and so Goggled it. Once I was enlightened on the subject I was so fascinated by the emo culture I just had to write about it. The Emo culture parodies itself.

Having seen a few several years ago in school, I can honestly say the "emo culture" is real, though they all seem to have converted to being "hardcore" lately.

That said, I've enjoyed making fun of emos for a long time and that's what hooked me into this story. The fake pain, the upper-middle class backgrounds, thinking they're being philosophical, even the bangs (which I think you mentioned with the main character) were spot on.

Two things though. First, my impression has generally been that emo kids cut themselves for attention, which would make me think the friends' scars would be more prominitely displayed (though I like the way it was done here). Also, I have no idea what a chtulu is and don't feel any more enlightened after reading everyone else's comments. I think it'd be funnier if instead, the woman at the end said a different name and when the man asked her what it was, she responded "I don't know, I made it up." The fact that he got suckered in by marketing something as unique would show that by trying to be different, he was still falling victim to consumerism. That or explain a little better what the chtulu is... maybe have Reedy reading the auction's description in the beginning?