Necrophilia by Michel J. Duthin - Short - Love has many faces-- In some relationships love means tenderness and caring. And in other relationships love means-- death. 10 pages - pdf, format 8)

A weird, interesting story; though a bit predictable. The narrative was well-written in particular. The main problem I have with the story is the title Necrophilia. There's no necrophilia in the story at all (not that I wanted any).

*Spoiler*




The guy is just obsessed with a lock of hair. Granted, it's a dead woman's hair, but the title necrophilia seems misleading. Trichophilia would be the correct term, I believe. That's an obsession with hair.  Maybe Necrotrichophilia?

Anyway, a good effort.

Hi Michel;

Excellent short.

Beautifully written and a great, tragic character in Brad, a guy who has everything except for what he really wants, a relationship with a woman who is, unfortunatly, no longer alive except for the lock of hair she left behind.

Joe

Hi Pete and Joe,

thnak you for your comments. About the title, I must say that like love, necrophilia has many faces. The necrophile is fearful of the dead, and transforms his fear of the dead—by means of reaction formation—into a desire for the dead. But the desire could turn to different ways. Anyway, this is necrophilia.

Michel 8)

I enjoyed this. You did a great job creating a sort of melancholy tone through the voice-over and the fades. It made the whole piece feel quite sad (in a good way) despite the weirdness of the subject matter.

A few things didn't really work me though: I didn't feel like I knew enough about the main character for me to care about what happened to him. Maybe some more background on him beyond the fact that he was getting his end away on a regular basis - something to make me more sympathetic. The voice-over when he's becoming obsessed didn't work for me: I think it's because you're showing and telling at the same time. Maybe cut it back a bit to the bare essentials there: "I became obsessed..." then just the images of him. Also, the reveal felt too obvious. I'm wondering whether you need to show him with the hair in the car, bed, etc. I think we can work that out for ourselves. But these are all minor flaws. as a whole the piece works well.

There were also a couple of typos: Relax instead of relaxed near the beginning, for example.

It was good.  I'm not a big fan of "serious" shorts like this, but this one really creeped me out(which is great).

I can definitely see this playing in some art gallery(I hope that's what you wanted).

You're right when you say necrophelia has many faces...but the first face that immediately comes to mind is a seriously messed up one.  I highly suggest you change the title.  I can see it now: you have a theatre full of people and the title flashes on the screen.  Next thing you know, everyone's rushing for the exits...and the people that remain might need to be watched more closely.

In short, everything is top notch except for the title.  Good job!

Hi James & Hoody,

thank you for your pertinent comments. In fact, I had a real problem with the title. I though of "The Hair" or "Capillary Obsession". But it was too obvious. And then came "Necrophilia".

Quoted from James Carlette I'm wondering whether you need to show him with the hair in the car, bed, etc. I think we can work that out for ourselves. But these are all minor flaws. as a whole the piece works well.

The first version didn't include the flashbacks, but I finally prefered to point out every action. People rasometimes so finicky (LOL)

Michel 8)

Hey Michel,

Remember when Hoody said that once the title flashes on the screen, everybody will rush for the exits?  And those who don't should be watched more closely?  Well, I'm one of the ones who should be watched more closely.

I did enjoy this story alot, especially the eerieness and melancholy of it all.

It's true, you could tell where the story was going, but I don't think you were going for a twist.  I think showing him with only the hair in the night club and in the alley was essential just to stress that what we thought was happening was actually happening.

There are a few typos here and there that get in the way of the ebb and flow of the story, like James had pointed out, but that's an easy fix.

Also, the only thing I didn't really agree with was the mental institution part.  Both as a psychologist and a student, I've spent a lot of time is psych wards and hospitals and prison institutions, and while I have spoken to two necrophiles, your main character would not have qualified to be placed in an institution.  Now, had it been a limb, it's possible, but a lock of hair would have been treated no differently than if a man had been obsessing over his dead wife's ashes, which, hopefully you've never felt pain like that, but is a very normal part of life for a lot of people.

All in all, it was a great story and I'll be on the lookout for something else from you.

-Mark

nice job of it, i enjoyed the read rather dark but i have been reading stephen king and felt right at home with your work.

Hey Michel,

I enjoyed this one to an extent, but the V.O got old really quick. It was repetitive not in the sense that you used it on every page, which is completely fine by me (if you've read my script you know what I mean), but in the sense that each time there was one, it basically just made the same point all over again. I get that it is supposed to be his journal--just make it more diverse.

Then finally, the flashbacks with the tress of hair were ridiculous (no offense). Imagine how hokey it would look on screen. I say, either remove the flashbacks completely or change the tress of hair to a hand or something. This would also justify sending the man to a mental institution, which was way too extreme for a damn tress of hair. They'd assign him a psychiatrist, not lock him in a nuthouse.

I think this would've been better off written as a short story rather than a short script.  

--Julio

  

Hi Julio,

thank you for your comments.

Quoted from ReaperCreeper   the flashbacks with the tress of hair were ridiculous ... the tress of hair to a hand or something.

It all depends how you imagine the hair. A hand would be really creepy. The goal of this story was to show erotism and sensuality through the hair.

Michel 8)

I enjoyed this. It had an almost Poe-like feel to it. Very well written.  My only complaint, and it's a nit, is the  shyamalan-like flash backs at the end. Julio is, I think, right --  they aren't necessary.

Excellent work!

Seth

Hey Michel,

I like the way that you approach English, if I imagine the French it would be then it flows so nicely.

The script was an interesting read, one man's descent into madness because of a tress of hair.  And Seth is correct in that it does seem like Poe.

It didn't hold a great deal of surprises and pretty much gave me what I expected but sometimes that is ok.  This was one of those times.

However, I do think you should reconsider the title and the use of the word necrophile because it just doesn't fit the story or his condition.

Hi Seth and Michael,

thank you to both of you. it's a compliment to compare this short with Poe's atmosphere. Like for my last short "In Memoriam", I hesitated to set the action during the 19° Century, but I realized it would cheaper to shoot in our days.


Michel 8)

Hey I guessed the twist for this short a page or two before it was revealed becuase I have already seen this before.  Exactly how you have it in your script- well almost.

A little Aussie movie called Garage Days has one character who has sex with his gothic bitch, and one time when he is doing her in an alley his mate walks in and we see the sex from his POV and the character is alone and masterbating.

But other than that this is a nicely written script with a creepy fixation with the past. That was neat. I really dig his attachment to the antique furniture as if it was almost a living thing.    

I wasn't convinced with Brad's obsession.  It seemed a little forced to me.  Wanting something that you can't have is a great theme for a story, but I didn't believe that Brad's life would crumple so quickly because of a lock of hair.  Maybe if he found more than that, a photo or a letter.  Otherwise, you told it very well.


Phil

Wow. I was really impressed with the writing. Great job.

I didn't really like the story, but I loved the way you told it. I liked that a majority of the dialogue was voiceover. It really gets into this guy's mind, and his ideas almost seem real to the audience. You have to ask yourself: what would you act like if you found some hair in a new piece of furniture? Your mind would come up with all sorts of scenarios, and this is just one of them.

Good work. Keep writing.

Hey Michel,

Fabulous piece of work you have here. it reminded me of Poe. It flowed perfectly. The dialgoue was great. Nevertheless, there some problems:

I didn't really get the obession. The connection wasn't made clear. As I was reading, I thought you should add a scene or something each time the character is with the hair to reveal what he experiences. Like if he is in a far distant land watching a female or something of this sort.  

You should also consider in having the female speak so that the guy becomes really obsessed. It shows his reality breaking and adds some terror to it.

Hope this helps,
Gabe

Thanks to everyone,

I've been recently very busy and I'll try to get on the saddle again writing a new version.

See you all soon

Michel 8)

Michel, hey,


I don't know if there is more than one definition for "necrophilia" but if I hear that word I think of someone who likes to have sex with dead people. It's funny, though, my friend and I had a conversation last night about necrophilia and we were trying to explain it and everything, saying how it was more of a disease or fetish rather than an impulse or whatever.

I liked this short, though. I thought it was weird and kind of eerie, and I like both.

Just one thing: your descriptions. I saw some "us" in there, which is very close to "we sees" and I don't know if it's bad since the comments I've read so far don't mention anything about it. But yeah I don't know if using "us" is okay or not.

But other than that, this was good. I liked it.

Sean