Cafe Flamingos by Jonathan Morales (shogun) - Short, Action - What if you shared your thoughts, coffee, and cigarettes with a man who plans to rob the Cafe?   A woman enjoys her cigarrets and coffee and is joined by a man who at first just seems like a friendly guy. But She soon finds out that he has other things on his mind. 23 pages - pdf, format 8)

When is this set? It reads like the 40s/50s or something, but you mention a cell phone.

The heightened dialogue works most of the time - some cute lines in there. You might want to see if you can cut some of it down though, as the pace drags a little at times. I'm not too sure the flashbacks within a flashback really works either.

thanks for your thoughts. when  I wrote it I wasn't really thinking or writing in any predicular time decade, but I can certainly see where it might of seemed that way. the flashback within the flashback was not intended. the first flashback with  the detectives is really the end of the movie but I thought it be better if you (the reader) already knew what happen and just see how it got there. I guess I tarantinoed it.  
thanks for your thoughts  again and just want to make it clear this was my first draft and is still a work in process.

Jon Morales aka shogun

For a first draft it's not bad.

If I were you I'd look at simplifying it a little - figure out what's the heart of this story and then look at pruning away everything else. Is the aftermath essential? Do we need to see the flashbacks? Are the old man and mother necessary?

I can do without the aftermath...i think with out the aftermath its kind of better because it leaves you thinking about what he decides. So yeah I can do without it. Reason I wrote it because I was planing on shooting it, still am, and i thought visually that would be neat to see. I still might shoot it that way just to see how it looks. The Old man and the mother are necessary, and i think that the flashsback work becuase, (well i think) it lets you see the human side to the characters that them talking might not show. Like the man for instance at first doesn't look like the type of guy to cry but the flashback show an situation that would make him cry, so i think they work. Again thanks for your thoughts.