Eternal Memories by Timothy F. Betts (souter fell) - Short - A tribute filmmaker forces a grieving son to decide how much his mother's memory is worth. 9 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Tim,

I enjoyed this. The whole slide show in a tombstone deal was interesting and the revelations about Charles' mother were very amusing. I really enjoyed the to-and-fro between Henry and Charles.

The only typo I noticed was on page 5, when Henry said: 'Don’t worried. I used a lot of the photos you supplied as well.

Good Job.

I enjoyed this one, too.  Interesting concept, decent payoff.

On a techinical note, I found it awkward that the television would suddenly go MOS after we have just been listening to it.  That would appear odd on the screen.

Better to have Henry turn down the volume as he makes his entrance, perhaps.

And I think his final price might have been a little steep.  100 grand?  Not believable to me.  Maybe bring that down a bit.

That, or somehow establish up front that Charlie is rolling in dough.

Both those should be easy fixes.  Not much to complain about here.

Hey Souter Fell,

This is the first time reading one of your works and I am pleased with it. Dialgoue was fine. The story was pretty funny.

Only minor mistakes:

Formatting. Of course, no one is perfect especially in this area but there should be some order in when you show the tv and then back to Charlie and Henry. You would write the scene heading for the television but not inform the reader when they were looking at Charlie and Henry. It's probably me since Bert and Chris Reid didn't have a problem reading it. But something to note, nevertheless.

Also on page 9, the second to last line of dialgoue, you confused Charles with Henry. I think the diagloue was meant to be said by Henry.  

I also agree with Bert in the exhortion money. Too much. It should be an easy transaction that would not draw many eyes upon it.

Hope this helps,
Gabe

hey guys

Thanks for the reads. Glad you guys enjoyed it. From what you guys said, I guess the genre would be comedy, black comedy. I was actually unsure of what genre you would put this in.

Sorry bout the couple of typos. I checked it a bunch and even had others do the same but sometimes it still falls through.

As for the extortion, maybe I'll see if I can't squeeze in her being rich. Maybe she parlayed the survivor's benefit into a fortune. Trick is doing it without it being forced.

Oh, and the sample playing in the lobby continues MOS as in we don't pay attention to it anymore. It's still playin but to no consequence. If there is a better way to say this I'm open to suggestions.

Anyway, thanks again for the reads.

Tim

Great short.

As the others have noted, there are a few typos. I'd put a comma after "The door opens" in the first line. But nothing else really jumped out at me.

My only real suggestion would be establishing the character of Charles a bit more - just a little background on him would be nice... an idea of what he does for living or something. As it is I found him slightly bland. Though that might just be because he's up against an interesting character like Henry.

Hey Tim,

I liked the story here.  For the most part, it's just two people talking in a room, but what they're talking about, coupled with the twist, makes for an interesting read.

I agree with Bert that the asking price of 100k is a bit much, but that's only because I don't know if it's something that Charles is able to pay.

Others have pointed out the typos, but nothing was overly distracting.

Anyway, good work.  I enjoyed it.

Hey Timothy, i thought you did a really good job with this short, even though it's just two people talking it never got boring, which is a hard thing to do, so congrats on that.  I liked how this was a blackmail scheme, I didn't think that's what this was going to be about.  Henry and Charles were both interesting and I liked how it got heated near the end, then when the blackmail came that was quite amusing.  I wouldn't be surprised if you got an email from a film student on this one, being only two actors and one location it would be a fairly easy shoot.  Anyways I think you did a very good job here.

Hey Tim,

I know I've already given you my thoughts on this once, but you changed some things so here I go again.

This was very good – a nice, kinda evil, twist you put in there. I thought Henry came across just right – a salesperson with an edge that really lives for the trade. Nice work on the structure as well, I thought the three acts were pretty well defined. Iro. the cutting back and forth between the tribute and the actual scene worked really well.

All in all I thought this was very solid and pretty original.

Like I mentioned the first time around, you still might want to have a look at Charles' reaction to when Henry mentions Tennessee. It works a little better now that you have changed it, but I think it could still use a little more...something. The "Hmm, Mother never talked much about her childhood" part doesn't really sell it imo. Of course his mother talked about her childhood - they always do - she just didn't mention anything about Tennessee or the other bad things she did. See what I'm getting at? You could build the suspence right there in that exchange.

Other than that it was really good.


Cheers
Rob

Hey guys,

Thanks for the gander. I think, addressing James and Sniper's issues, I may have to make Charles a little bit more of a momma's boy. Snipe the feeling I get off of Charles is he's usually a very passive guy. I think if anything, he's surprised and yet slightly hurt to find out that his mother spent "a lot of time in tennensee" and he didn't know about it. Of course he's too much of a mesh to express it and risk roccking the boat. I'll see if I can't capture that.

As for the ransom, that was one of the things I was worried about. Mike and Bert, you think if I casually alluded to the old lady's wealth, say by referencing a scholarship fund or maybe some building she financed or something along the lines of a highly productive pillar of society, people connect the dots that her son probably was left a good deal in her wheel? And do you think that it would not cause too much a contrast to her earlier deeds to the point where it seems unbelievable?

TBWCF, I would love to hook up with the right film student to see this to life. I was even thinking if need be, Charles could be casted younger as a grandchild if need be, although the older man makes the twist seem more crushing. This woman he's adored for sixty-odd years is really...

Anyway, thanks again for your support guys.

Tim;

Nice job on this...Can see the day coming (Nope...Checked Google, you're more on top death oriented technology than I am)...Definitly a danger when those skeletons pop out of the closet and distort the rose colored memories, and a pretty lie costs more than an ugly truth. Good build-up as we see the truth start to arise and Charlie is forced to deal with it.

Joe

I've read about 500 short scripts so far this year on various websites and I'm going to take a break and only read features for a while. Yours will be the last one and let me say that it was a nice one to end with.

I had not read any of the previous comments so I had no idea what this was going to be about. At first I thought it was going to be serious drama, but as Henry's video played along I started getting a smile on my face.

I like the idea here and thought it was amusing. Maybe have Charles be a little more emotional in the beginning and then show him getting more and more shocked.

I thought it ended a little abrubt. Like Charles just went along with Henry's scheme. I would have liked to see Charles a little more outraged as he realizes he has no choice.

Good short that would be easy to film.   8) 8) 8)

Reading this script was really worth it. Your flow is smooth. Your descriptions vivid. I liked it.

Hey pia and courhaw,

Thanks for the looks. Pia, glad you liked this one as your 2007 short swan song read. Yeah, the ending is abrupt. Didn't want to draw it out. I rationalize it by thinking that Charles is a doormat of a man. Him screaming "f*ck you" is probably the most public aggression he has displayed in years. I think he is a very internalizing man, whether it was because of his upbringing with his mother or other causes. The movie outside the movie. I'll see what I can do.

Thanks

P.S. With all the positive reaction, I've been thinking of using this as a springboard to a feature but I think that's because I'm procrastinating in my research for my next feature.

Hey Tim, just had a look at this one.

I liked it. I remember watching a movie (The Final Cut) which had a similar premise but you took this one into another direction.

It was quite a meaty conflict to make Charles learn the awfull truth about his mother and I liked the irony of this happening because of a service he paid for himself. The “beware of what you wish for” theme always seems to work.

Sorry that I can’t make any useful suggestions; I’ve got no complaints here. I think it’s quite a solid piece.

Very well done.

Hey,

lol, that was pretty good. I don't think I have much to complain about. I thought it was written pretty well, dialog was pretty good. Nice concept. Henry was a good character and I thought you were able to characterize him pretty well in your 8 pages. Charlie was a little more bland but I guess thats his thing.

Uh, the only problem I kindda had with this is the abrupt change in tone. That felt like a pot hole in the road for me, but really I guess it's necessary and probably what you were going for.

Anyway, not a lot to complain about, the tone thing can be overlook and probably should be. So, overall really solid, I liked it.

Good Job.

Grand High Doctor sheepington  

hey,

i just have a few comments.  i think it could be compelling, but right now i have a problem in the tone shift.  it starts out as serious, but it isn't until page 5 that we start to see what's happening, but it's such a sharp change.  since it's a 9 page script, i really feel you need to get to that moment a few pages earlier because right now i'm not sure if i'm supposed to laugh or if it's a shocking revelation.  i also feel that during the fire the mother shouldn't be desribed as smiling, we know she started the fire already so it's not necessary.  i think the story would work better if it wasnt so explicit that she did these things-like she was never busted in her entire life for any of these things (like falsely accusing the people of rape, or trying to steal from the fund).  instead, we just see her bouncing from what appears to be tragic situation to tragic situation, but clearly the viewer realizes that no way all these things could be coincidences.  and like another reader said, 100k is way too much money.  anyway, these are just my 2 cents, good luck

Nicely done, unique concept. Good take on how salesman can find ways to exploit people as our society gets more and more tech savvy, and how well we really know our family members past.
Only complaint would be the small chunk of conversation between Charles and Henry near the end of pg. 2 regarding their names, it didn't really do anything for the momentum. Henry reminded me of a sleazy used car salesman, doing anything to make a buck.  maybe a little awkward small talk about the weather or sports, it wouldn't do anything for the story's momentum, but it could add a little bit of awkward tension between them.
The change from sort of a dark comedy to a more serious tone worked well. You eased into it nicely, wasn't sure where the story was going intially but the transition was built in well.  Good work.

Sorry,

I didn't catch these responses when they were fresh.

It seems kinda split on the turn. I made it that way so that you ride it out like Charles has too. Maybe a little foreshadowing in the small talk before hand. Also, I know I have to either drop the extorsion or establish Charles as wealthy. Thanks for the insight.

Hey, Tim.

Definitely a black comedy and done rather well.  Most of it works for me and I did shoot a look at other comments, and have to agree with most.

As for the issue of the $100,000 for a family-friendly DVD instead of the incriminating disk, you seem to want to stay with that amount. Not sure why.

Here’s a thought which doesn’t seem to fit this story, but you could make Charles a man of affluence.
He might enter Eternal Memories wearing an Armani suit, a Jaeger-LeCoultre watch, a diamond pinky ring, etc.
But based on his personality, I think not.
Charles is pretty plain and I guess you want it that way.

It still requires fixing.

Suggestion 1 is to set it up something like this: Henry asks for the $100,000, then tags on: “… surely within your means, Charles, considering that old bat left you quite a bounty.”

Or, suggestion 2.
Maybe the answer is to have Charles purchase the “Serenity” from the get-go.  The Rolls Royce of grave monuments.
Yessiree, the purchaser gets the “full package” all right, and in Charles’ case that includes facts that should also be buried with the deceased.

Anybody who is stupid enough to buy this package, is ripe for further bilking.

Note:  ages and dates don’t need the apostrophe – 60s, 1940s, etc.

Don’t need the MOS. Have Charles stroll to another area of the showroom, thus automatically distancing himself from the TV sound.  

Charles and Henry could use a bit more physical description.

I enjoyed the “research” Henry undertakes.  Nice touch there.

Maybe have Charles question the clause that gives him “Final Cut.”  Then Henry can counter, “Yes, you do indeed have the final cut. For your peace of mind. Cut me a check for $100,000.”

Fix – on Page 4.  Henry’s dialogue – Don’t worry.

I like that Red Line from NYC to Tennessee, followed by Henry saying “So our little firestarter hauled it south… ” What if Charles reads about the arson and the article is partially burned?  Haaa.
Anyway, I liked all the little digs about mom.

On Page 3, you write: "This obviously is news to Charles."  Show us through his Expression.

And I love that line, … until Mr. Tucker could no longer turn down Greta’s sexual advances.”  Ha, too funny.

Since Charles knew nothing of Mom’s past, have him rifle through all the clippings and speed read.  He shoudn’t take Henry’s word for any of this. His expression should show mounting exasperation with each article.
Once it all sinks in, then you can have him sob.

When you do a room change within the same facility, just offset it as

HENRY’S OFFICE

And continue on.

You can do the same for the
TV MONITOR
On page 1.  

I thought the dialogue was pretty tight. Some humorous stuff there.  It was a quick read, with good conflict and I like the old woman’s sinister and quirky past.

And Charles is really laid-back and I don’t have a problem with that.  The tone was fine.  You kept things from going over the top.

I’m still smiling…

Hey Tim,

This was an interesting read.  Is the DVD gravestone slideshow something you came up with, or is it something that might eventually become an actual practice?

Hmm.  I'm kind of curious.  I perused through a couple people's comments before writing anything, just to make sure I can bring something new to the table, and I have to admit, I clearly interpreted this story very differently from a couple of other people.

First of all, I think the tone during the whole piece is excellent.  I hope I read this right, because I'm not sure I found all the extreme humor that other people seemed to have found in it, and I'm not too sure if humor was something you were exactly going for in this.  Maybe I was just too wrapped up in figuring out Charles' feelings and the emotions he must be going through to miss the funny parts.  (I do admit, though, I got a laugh at the 'So our little firestarter...' line.)

That's why I liked the tone during the whole story.  To me, it didn't change from serious to funny, like a few have suggested.  To me, the tension built up even more as Charles learned more about the horrible truths of his mother.  Maybe I have to read it again, though, to make sure.

I saw you mention that maybe you were thinking about taking the extortion scenario out.  In my opinion, I wouldn't.  That's the whole drive of the story, I feel.  (And I'd be lying to say that I don't think funeral homes rip people off as it is already.)  Abe made some very good suggestions.  If you don't want to change the 100k that Henry tries to blackmail him for, having Henry tell Charles 'I know how much your mother was worth thanks to our background check, and I know she's leaving it to you."  That might play a little better.

Welp, this was a very good story and, as others have mentioned, I was very into the story eventhough it was just two people talking in a room.  You definately brought the drama to it.  I'm kind of curious to see what you did with the OWC, if you're participating.

- Mark