Zigwart by Elisabeth Dubois - Short, Fantasy - A leprechaun's tale. 2 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey,

SPOILERS!

This is the second time reading a tooth fairy type of a story. But sadly it wasn't much of a story but a scene more like it, in IMO. This was probably for a contest with certain parameters but I would like to know more about this tale such as how did the lepercuan get the tooth. I would admit though for a two page script that it was funny especially with the lepercuan cursing the giant.

Hope this helps,
Gabe  

Thanks for the feedback, Mr Ripley.

No it wasn't for any type of contest, just a crazy thought.
I intend to make this a longer script.
Placed it here for a quick read and feedback; this will allow me to judge whether it deserves a longer script.

Thanks for the read. :)

Elisabeth,

It never ceases to amaze me that you always have a fairy tale to tell.  This one was nicely original and cute.  Expand it, lose the dream, and give Zigwart a rip-roaring adventure.

Thanks for the feedback Michael,
I thinks that's a good idea.
I can create a whole little series on Zigwart and his adventures.
What do you think?

Hey elis, I was drawn to the strange name of this script.

I enjoyed it but it felt incomplete.  The beginning was great with Zigwart and the giant, and although his dog waking him up was lead to the ending of 'it was a dream', I was left wondering what it was really about?  The dream of getting a big gold tooth?  I good effort but I wanted a bit more.  Look forward to the series then.

This was a variation on the marshmallow joke...

I dreamed last night I ate a giant marshmallow, and in the morning, my pillow was gone!

Very cute, and would like to see more of this fiesty little guy...

Just read this.  Very good and funny short.  Like allfy, the name of the script really drew me.

The first letters of "gold" and "keepers" don't need to be capitalized...unless I missed something that means they should.

But other than that small detail, a very good short.

I would like to see some of Zigwarts other adventures.  Preferably longer next time.

Good job.

Elis,

I liked this until I found out it was just a dream. I think you do fairy tale stories real well. I for one would like to see this longer than one page and a few lines. Why not have Zigwart and Kito go on some big adventure and run into the giant. I think you could make that into a fun enjoyable ride.

Pia

Elisabeth,

Interesting premise.  The old screenwriting rule is that you start a scene late and leave it early.  I think you took that advice too firmly to heart here.  How did he get the tooth?  What unpleasantness did he have to endure, being in a giant's mouth long enough to pull a tooth and all?  I think there is a mine of interesting possibilities open to you prior to this scene.

Definitely build upon it... and build backwards.  It'd be interesting to see what got us here.  I do agree with a previous poster, lose the dream.

Hope I was helpful.

Pete  

KyMalairn97, Blakkwolfe, alffy, pia and hoody,

Thank you all for the feedback.

a dream - in such a small script - justifies not placing the extra information that led to the tooth extraction.
Dropping the dream in a longer version is a good idea.

I'll rewrite and and resubmit at a later date.

Thanks again all, your input is always precious.  :)

The only problem with this script is that it was rushed, and rushed i an almost obscene way.  I wonder how many people actually gave any thought where leprechauns got their gold and you came up with a very original answer to it.

You should rewrite this, if possible, into a feature length script.  You can do a lot with it.


Phil

Thanks Phil,
It was a zany idea and it has grown on me.
A rewrite is a must and if it calls for a feature, then so be it.
Will sit and give it some serious thought.

Tough to comment on a story so short but I'll try.  I like these fantasy tales anyway.

The line 'You're breath reeks' somehow doesn't ring true to me.  If a giant was trying to eat me I think I'd have other concerns than the state of his breath.  I only mention this because it weakens the dramatic component of your story - makes it seem like he wasn't in any real danger.  

I'd say for a story like this just about anything is fair game to be exploited for a laugh, just makes sure to treat the actual adventure itself seriously.  

Hope I'm not sounding too preachy.  I enjoyed it.

Quoted from mgj Hope I'm not sounding too preachy.  I enjoyed it.

Not at all mgj.
All feedback is appreciated and take all comments onboard.
Thank you for the read mgj :)

After reading it, which took all of fifteen seconds, I am having difficulty pointing out errors. That's not to say that it is perfect, but rather, it is TOO short to judge. Personally, this read to me like a really cheesy IAMs dog food commercial, with the protagonist being a foul-mouthed leprechaun, and the dream sequence not truly meshing with anything other than the "Eat me?" line.

Please, do us the favor, and expand with this character. I want to see what sort of development you give him. Unfortunately, I just can't see where you're going with such an odd, short script.

Thanks for the read, Dr. McPhearson,

True, It's over and done with very quickly. ::)

This was one of those in between writing shorts  :) A de-stress excersize, you might say, lol.

I am currently doing a re-write and  taking the concept much further; I'll post an update soon.

Thanks again.

Hey Elis,

Lol.  The first thing I thought about after reading this was the same marshmallow joke Blakkwolfe had mentioned.

Very cute and clever little story here.  It put a smile on my face and a good feeling in my stomach for the day.

Welp, I have to go read somebody's story about getting a body limb chopped off with an unusual weapon, now.  :-)

I'll see you around.

- Mark

Cheers Mark  :D
Glad it made your day!
Thanks for the read ;)