Operation Jungle Joe by Spencer McDonald - Short - A frightened soldier finds the cover of a foreign jungle less than appealing for his chances of survival. 6 pages - pdf, format 8)

The title is not that good.

The story is riveting to me.  I was pulling for this guy.  I would like to know more about how he got there, but that may muddy the waters.

Your writing is crisp and concise.  There were a few grammatical issues (Ginsue should be Ginsu, "squeezed the nubs tight" should be "squeezes the nubs tight"), but overall a good little read.  Would make a good scene in a bigger feature.

Battle scenes are tough to write, IMHO.  Good job.

Spencer,

Nice job.  Definitely a tough day at the office for Joe.  Your action lines went a long way toward painting a picture.  That being the case, the only suggestion I might offer is to trim some of the dialogue - in particular, on page 4.  The images you've created are powerful enough and speak for themselves.  I liked the use of VO, but when Joe bounces out of VO, you may want to rethink the passages as phrases versus complete sentences, given that he just stepped on a mine. ;)  Otherwise, good work!

Tony

Hi Spencer,

I didn't get to read all of the MP scripts for the "One" comp. I am assuming this was your entry...
I loved it . You took me through fear, pain and elation then death. Amazing what the senses can be put through in such a short script.

I think you could now add a bit more in the end and maybe reveal the silhouettes of ANDERSON -WORLEY  and O'MALLEY,  just to finish it off.
Just a suggestion, great short.

Elisabeth

Hey Spencer;

I gave this 5 Stars on MP, didn't know from the title it was the same short...Operation Jungle Joe doesn't fit the serious and intense nature of the piece...Reminds me of a GI JOE cartoon or maybe an army buddy comedy...Liked the MP title much better... Fantastic short, though.

Joe

Hi Joe -- I have to agree with you and Yosef about the title. It sucks really bad. Not sure what to title it. Some said REMEMBER OUR HEROES was not right. Maybe I should not listen to so many people. Any thoughts? Jesus, I'm psychotic.

Spencer,
Thought of a few titles for you, not saying they're  good but just a thought  :)
"The Endless Jungle" or  "A Few Steps to Freedom" or maybe "A Soldier's Plight" :)

Thank you Elisabeth!

I am able to write pretty good stories, but my titles and loglines suck. Someone once said the DNA of a script is in the logline. I think it is a road block for me. My DNA is in the story and the logline will come second. Maybe I need to keep that in mind.

Did see this title on a film at Best Buy and though it fit, and alas its already in use.

Welcome to the Jungle.

Maybe the title should be something from a Vietnam era song.

Or... Jungle Warrior, Road 535, Chains of War, Joe's War, or just simply Joe.

I don't know... Shoot.

Hi Spencer,
I think it's hard to come up a title after you've written the story.
I usually start with a logline, then my title and then I write the story.

While for some reason i did not really like this story, i found it easy to read to the end due to the great writing style you have employed. You certainly know how to write action, the pace was perfect and seemed to flow really well.

Why i dod not like it? I am not really sure. It was not the writing style but more just the subject matter i guess - not my cup of tea but i cannot really give a reason.

But for feedback on the piece as a script i can only say good things about your writing, i will probably refer back to this script on occasions for when i am having trouble getting a piece of action to flow and move forward, yours is one of the best examples of this i have seen so far on this site.

Thanks Murphy

Thank you for the kind words Murphy. That was quite a compliment.

Spencer

Yeah, I definitely agree with most of these reviews in that this is a very well written little delight.  Everything worked for me and was for the most part spot on, except maybe for some dialogue near the end.  It didn't sound like what I would think this kind of guy would be saying...or thinking.  Other than that, awesome job!!!!!

I liked this script a lot. I thought it was a very realistic portrayal of a soldier under fire in the jungle. Not that I've ever been a soldier in the jungle but the whole idea that he never sees the shooter or even figures out the bullets' origin seems right on the money. It also made the script a lot more frantic and unpredictable. I was never sure if Joe was safe or still the target.

Obviously, this is a very short script and I really don't have much to say about it as for as improvement is concerned. I did think Joe let his guard down a little by taking out the canteen but it's not a problem that stands out very much. I was also a little confused by the American flag at the end. Was it real or some sort of superimposion? Was it his own guys that shot him down? Again, not a big deal but something to think about improving. Also, I'll jump on the bandwagon in regards to changing the title.

Other than that, solid work.

Hey James -- Thanks man!

I have had the hardest time getting the title right on this one. The latest title option I have is "Run Through the Jungle." This comes from the Vietnam era Credence Clear Water song, Run through the Jungle. Seems to make more sense now.

This was a short contest script from another site. It did not place, because others said there were too many errors in the script. Since then I have edited it and tightend it up.

Also, the flag at the end was suppose to represent safety. Joe finally finds his way home only to land on the wrong road. Road 535. Look it up on Google. It was a real road in Vietnam. The road was laced with claymores and such. Real place, fictional story.

Thank you again for the read and comments.

I remember liking this one a lot.

I think the title you have now is better than the original one, but "Run through the jungle" is even better.

Pia

Quoted from spencerforhire Also, the flag at the end was suppose to represent safety. Joe finally finds his way home only to land on the wrong road. Road 535. Look it up on Google. It was a real road in Vietnam. The road was laced with claymores and such. Real place, fictional story.

Woah, that's messed up. With that said, I think Road 535 would make a terrific title. It's got mystery to it and it'd definitely kick the intensity up a notch the first time it's mentioned in the script, even if people haven't heard of it.