A Skinnier Time by Steven Ward (MattSuttle26) - Short, Comedy - no summary - doc, format 8)

Steven,

The characters you created felt real to me.  There's a good juxtaposition you set up between Simon and Dan.  Some of the dialogue I thought was very funny.  This was probably my favorite line: "So either you haven’t even started to write it or you’re writing a Seinfeld episode that’s about nothing."

My main problem with it is that it's pretty much one long conversation, and it is rather difficult to be that intriguing on just dialogue alone.  More action/conflict is needed.  That is, however, mitigated by the fact that this is for a stage play, and you would have more liberties when it comes to dialogue.  Thus, I will frame my comments this way: If you're intention is to have this filmed, I would look for ways to infuse more action and more conflict into the plot.  The good news is that you already have the twist in place.  For all the grief that Dan gave Simon, it was Simon that ends up going out.  That I like very much.


Best,

Tony

Hey Steven,

Yeah, I have to admit, that Seinfeld line made me chuckle out loud, too.  There were a couple other parts that I found pretty humorous, also.

I don't know if your intentions were to have this filmed, but I think it would play out better as a short play than to watch it on film, as there would be a lack of interest in the visuals, and people would be a lot less critical of the story line and characters, mainly because they'd focus on the acting, when they see it performed on a stage.

I guess, all in all, it wasn't too shabby, considering it wasn't formatted for a screenplay, but it didn't really stand out as a great or interesting story in any particular way for me, either.

- Mark

hi, i thought this had some good one liners (the royals, nazi comedy, among many others), but at times dialogue was too expositional (ex. she has a theater class on thursdays at 11).  but i'm not really used to reading plays (or even watching them), so it's difficult for me to give feedback.  i do find the characters interesting, however