Masquerade by Josh Drummond - Short, Horror - A slasher film told backwards. This story is of three survivors of a burtal massacre all with their own stories to tell conncecting them to the unknown killer.  26 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi, just read the Masquerade while eating my lunch (not sure why i picked this to read while eating, in hindsight probably not the best idea! ;-))

I will get the formatting out of the way first, do you use a script editor of any kind? While you got a lot right it was sometimes hard to read because your top margin was far too small. (if this is just an error with my machine then someone please correct me) It makes the text fill the page too much and with very little white space on the screen it does make for a hard read.
IF you do not use a script editor i would try downloading "celtx" it is free and an excellent program.

Also i would lose all the "Smash to's" and "Cut to's" as most people on these boards will tell you that you do not need to have any camera directions at all on a spec script, just action and dialogue will do. In fact from what i gather this puts off plenty of potential readers of your script.

As for the story well it was entertaining and fairly well written, the pace was good but potentially a small break in between the three stories may have been better, i.e. just a bit more dialogue to try and slow things down a bit as the three flashbacks were pretty full on and fast paced. The dialogue during the flashbacks for me did not seem right, but they are young kids and i am getting a bit old now so maybe that is how kids talk now (God i sound like my granddad!!)

I didn't believe it however when i got to the end and to be fair saw it coming a mile a way and read the last couple of pages hoping i would be wrong...

Spoilers down below....

Why did he not just kill them in the first place? That did not make much sense to me at all, why let them live when he knew he would be interviewing them anyway? Have i missed something here?

Also may be a small complaint but the end of the story does hinge on this fact..

"Mandy thinks fast she pushes frost into the locked office.  Then bars the door door with a chair."

How did Mandy push him into a locked office?
Also, the office door opens inwards surely? Not sure how you can bar the door closed with a chair?


Anyway, it was a good effort just needs tidying up somewhat really. But feel free to correct me as i am certainly no expert on this and just a beginner myself.

Thanks Murphy

Josh,

Just some comments.
- There are a multitude of grammatical errors and mistakes in punctuation.  On multiple occassions, your dialogue ends with a "?" when it seems to call for a period.  Also, it's "quiet," not "quite."  "They're," not "their."  
- The dialogue is trite.  Consider spicing it up or having another person do a rewrite on it.
- Cool concept, though, I wasn't sure what the whole point of the story is.  
- Seems like a lot of dead bodies for just one guy.  Is Frost really all that powerful to take down a whole gymnasium full of kids?  
- The lesbian sex scene feels gratuitous.  Did you put it in there just to make the script more titillating, or did you feel it was absolutely necessary for the narrative?  I didn't.
- Don't write how the characters are feeling.  You can describe them physically and give them actions that will make us understand what they're feeling, but, never how they feel.  Let the actor create that!!  
- Slasher flicks and scripts are a dime a dozen Josh.  I'd recommend going back to the drawing board and outlining a more streamlined and focused execution of your concept, as well as pumping it with fresh ideas.  I'd also recommend cleaning up the dialogue.  Have you read the script aloud?  Do you think actors are really going to sound convincing with that dialogue?  
- Just my two cents, take it however you want.  

Hey guys thanks for the advise, and comments.  That was accually not the best draft, I have another draft that is better and I will post it shortly!