Santa's List by Anthony Hudson (alffy) - Short - Not everyone gets what they want for Christmas. 16 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Anthony,

Clever idea, treating Santas like postmen.  And the gift cubes were creative.  The characterization of Clive seemed pretty complete - you even took the time to make him likeable (such as the snow angel or the little boy's hug).  I'm not too sure about the ending though, it was a bit abrupt, I didn't get a feeling of completion from the script. It needs more of a wrap-up.

Thanks for the review mcornetto

I was hoping to get this up before Christmas but never mind.  I got the idea cos I'm a postman.  

Glad you liked it and I understand your point about the end, I struggled with an ending for so long.

I might update this but I want to keep it quite short, I might think of a better ending by next Christmas lol.

Thanks courhaw, glad you liked it.  Not sure about 'jobee'?  This is something we refer to as poo! lol.

Hey Anthony,

I just want to start out by saying 'Thank you for teaching me something new.'  Actually, I learned two new things after reading your script.  I never knew 'snigger' was a word.  But I looked it up before I mentioned anything and, sure enough, there it was, the same thing as snicker.

'Fob' was another word I had never come across or heard of before, but I looked that one up and there it was.  Woohoo, I have a new Boggle word now!  I guess snigger can be another Boggle word, too, though it's a little harder to get.  Just think, if I do find 'snigger', I can also get another six letter word.  :-)

I found a couple grammar problems though, nothing that hard to fix, and I also found a few 'a's that were supposed to be 'and's.  If you want me to go through the script with a fine tooth comb and flush out some other mistakes you have missed, just let me know.  I like having other people going through and finding spelling and grammar mistakes, there's always a few that get by the writer's all-too-familiar eye.

As for the story, it was entertaining, although I do agree with mcornetto in that it ended a little too abruptly, which might be due to the fact you were hurrying to get it up before Christmas.  In my opinion, it does need a cleaner and smoother wrap up.  A little bit of closure.  Not too sure if Dennis was killed or just hospitalized.  And the whole story was about Clive, but you ended it on Dennis.  Maybe Clive could feel sorry for him, but then Nick sends him back to finish Dennis' route.

It reminded me a little bit of 'Bad Santa', but that could have just been the imagery of Santa smoking and swearing and p*ssing on himself.  That and I do remember Billy Bob Thornton yelling out 'Jesus Christ, kid!'.

But, save for the ending, it wasn't too bad of a story and was, the 'fuck's aside, a cute story.  Maybe 'cute's not the right word to describe this, but it was interesting and creative.

- Mark

I know what a fob is, but snigger is a new one.  I love Boggle, by the way.

Quoted Text Jesus, the kids today don’t know their born.

This line confused me.  Is it supposed to be "they're" born?  If so, I still don't know what it means.

Quoted Text A creek (O.S.)

Do you mean "A creak"?  Might be a good place for a sound cue (CREAK)

Quoted Text Holy shit, might have over down it with the sparkle.

Did you mean overdone?


I loved the story until the ending.  Your ideas about cubes, sleighs dust, etc. were great.  I just don't think it ended well.  If you had expanded the bit about Clive and the kid and made it either more touching or funny, I might have liked it more.  I didn't like the fact that the funny ending happened to a secondary character.

All in all, a good read.

hey anthony,
i have a few notes.  i think you need to set up your conflict early.  i'm not sure how you could do that, but since this is a short, i think within the first 2-3 pages we should see some conflict.  i'm still not sure of which story you want to tell, based on the ending.  i know you said you had been struggling with an end, but i think for this script you should keep the focuse on clive.  here's a suggestion, although you may not like it:  early on it could be established that dennis also got a crappy assignment, and then later, like at clive's second house, clive could be greatly struggling, and be very furious, and he could say something like "it could be worse-i could be dennis"-then you would cut to an insert of dennis at his current assignment, having the time of his life at some house with a whole spread of food.  this could be kind of funny (kind of like the 'seinfeld' episode where jerry lives it up in first class, while elaine slums it in coach).  then at the end, clive could be at adam's house (and make adam's house even more depresssing), and adam could be some sad little kid, and then clive saves the day for him like you have him do, and it can end with clive getting back on the sleigh feeling good about himself

Excuse me for piping in but I think the point was that Dennis had a posh assignment and Clive had a crappy one.  Yet, Clive returned without problems and Dennis is likely in hospital.

Quoted from rc1107 Hey Anthony, I just want to start out by saying 'Thank you for teaching me something new.'  Actually, I learned two new things after reading your script.  I never knew 'snigger' was a word.  But I looked it up before I mentioned anything and, sure enough, there it was, the same thing as snicker. 'Fob' was another word I had never come across or heard of before, but I looked that one up and there it was.  Woohoo, I have a new Boggle word now!  I guess snigger can be another Boggle word, too, though it's a little harder to get.  Just think, if I do find 'snigger', I can also get another six letter word.  :-) I found a couple grammar problems though, nothing that hard to fix. It reminded me a little bit of 'Bad Santa', but that could have just been the imagery of Santa smoking and swearing and p*ssing on himself.  That and I do remember Billy Bob Thornton yelling out 'Jesus Christ, kid!'. - Mark

Thanks for the read and glad to help you with a few new words lol.

I always miss spelling in my own scripts but I have no problems when reading others.

As for the Bad Santa similarities, that's strange as genuinely I haven't seen that film.

Anywho thanks again for the read Mark.

Yosef91, thanks for reading and thanks for pointing out the errors.  Yes it's meant to be creak and as for the don't know they're born, I guess it's an English thing.

dkw208, cheers for the review but mcornetto is right in his observations.

If anyone wants me to repay the favour and read a short just pm me and I'll be happy to leave my thoughts.

i got the point that clive had the crappy assignment and dennis had the good one, but it ended up reversing, but my point is that clive is your central character.  so even though dennis ended up getting screwed, the audience doesn't care as much because dennis wasn't the antagonist (so we weren't happy he got hurt), and dennis wasn't really part of the story (so it felt extraneous), so it wasn't as effective as it could have been.  i think if clive is expecting an easy outing, and dennis expects a crappy outing, but that reverses, then it would be more interesting, because we want to see our protagonist struggle mightily before ultimately persevering (which did happen).  i just think if we saw dennis living it up, it could be funny to serve as a contrast to clive's struggles ("the simpsons" does this all the time.  Homer/Bart struggles and they see their friends/peers living it up)  

dkw208 thanks for the advice.  

I will probably work on this again...at some point, as most have correctly pointed out that the end isn't the greatest.  I'll take on board everyones comments to try and improve it.  

Thanks again for the comments.

Hey Alffy,

I really liked your script. I thought it was pretty darn good. I was however a bit disappointed in the ending. Did you run out of time? I thoroughly enjoyed your script until the very end.

You have something really good here, love Clive despite his shortcomings. I think I know what Denis is supposed to represent, but the way your script reads, he’s just lucky to get the route he gets. It’s not a flaw on his person/personality so his punishment/bad luck doesn’t seem fair. IMHO, he didn’t really do anything wrong.

I loved the way you had this set up. Sort of a FedEx type operation.

Your details are great and provides comedic elements.

I like the description “facial foliage”!

What about the field with all the reindeer? Aren’t they going to be used?

Try to keep a present tense throughout avoiding words that end with ‘ing. I know it seems silly to worry about, but apparently that is important.

I really like this. Loved the idea of the cubes being delivered and by remote being turned into the real items. Wrapped and all.

Page 5, cover – covered

Anyway, I honestly think this was really good. Good writing and good story. Just fix the ending and it will be really good.

Hope this helps,

PIa

Cheers for checking this out Pia.

Yeah I ran out of time, trying to get it posted before Christmas so the ending was a bit rushed.  I'm definately going to redo it soon.

I'll try and change the 'ing's' I always miss a few.

The reindeers were there to show how times have changed and they aren't needed now.

Glad you liked the cube idea too.

Anywho I'll defo improve this as everyone so far has pointed out the dissapointing ending.  Thanks again and if you want me to read anything of yours just pm me.

alffy

Hey guys the new draft for this is up.  Thanks everyone that's read this so far, your comments were welcomed and i've incorporated some of your suggestions in the rewrite.  Hopefully the ending is better now...hopefully.

Hey alffy,

For boo boos ;D... You forgot FADE IN, and have reindeers on page3  


I didn't read the original where the others said that it ended abruptly, but I think this one did, too.
Sorry.

Now if the Clive santa knew that the other santa always got special treatment and he always got the shaft, maybe he would do something to either his sleigh, his route or his list to get even with the guy and to have a good laugh.

I don't think you need the scene with the little boy. You can show Clive having an easy time just going though the motions of being santa (if he took the time to get rid of all of the things he knew would be bad by putting them on the other santa's route).

I would have liked to seen Clive giving the other santa ex-lax or unhooking his reindeer from the sled.

I liked the cubes, and the dust  ;D.

I was kind of surprised when santa left his sleigh on the ground in a bad neighborhood.

I just would have liked to seen him do sort of a sabotage to the other santa.

Just my two cents,

Hope it made some sense,
Cindy

hey, just read it, here are my notes:

i think dennis' assignment should be handed down first.  it would set the precedent, and everyone could react to him getting lucky, then when clive gets his assignment, everyone would react that he got screwed.  i also don't think clive should talk so much while he's working.  it will come across that he's frustrated by his actions and expressions, so there's no need to comment on it because right now it feels like he's doing it only for our sake to let us know how he feels.  i'm not saying all of the dialogue, like when he talks to the dog, that's necessary, but like when he says stuff like "time to get out of this shithole" on page 7.  or like on page 10, when he delivers one gift and says "is that it?"  it will come across that it's abnormal that there's only gift, because he delivered multiple to the other places, especially if clive has a confused look on his face.  i just feel you should trust your action more.
i'm sorted of conflicted about the snow angel on page 9.  while i think it's cute, considering his mood, i think it feels inappropriate because he's supposed to be angry and frustrated.  i think the biggest problem for though is there is not a great deal of conflict, and there is not a complete focus.  adam is such a happy go lucky kid, that santa playing with him really doesn't change a lot, and in general, nothing really has changed.  it would be more effective i think if adam is a sad kid, and santa comes and brightens up his day.  like in 'bad santa', billy bob thornton doesnt care about anyone, and then comes along that poor little kid, and billy bob cares about him and tries to get him that gift.  i think if clive is somehow redeemed it could work stronger.  i also think you should make dennis do something to show why clive doesnt like him.  like he says 'he's an arse' or something like that, but maybe at the beginning when they take off, dennis could cut him off and laugh or bump his sleigh or do something jerk-like that would make us know why dennis is a jerk

Thanks for the read Cindy.

I can't believe I forgot the 'fade in' lol!

I guess I still need to work on the ending.  Not sure I want to go the way of showing Clive sabotaging Dennis' sleigh or anything like that.  I feel he's just past the point of caring and just wants to finish and go home.  But then again perhaps in the end he could set up Dennis or wake up the family.

Glad you liked the cubes and dust, just wanted something original, not just presents.

Thanks again.

Hey dkw208 thanks for the read.

Yeah I guess Clive does talk to himself a bit, and I can see how that would seem a bit strange.

The snow  angel thing was going to be cut but I left it in for nostalgia purposes, it's something we used to do and found it funny...mind we were usuall tanked up at the time.

You state that maybe the kid should vhange from being sad to happy but I did this with Clive.  He is misserable with the delivery but finds that not everyone on the rough estate is bad.

I like your suggestion about Dennis bumping Clive's sleigh and being down right annoying to him.  Good call.

Antwho thanks for checking this out.

I read the rewrite and I think you improved the script with the additions.

However after reading Cindy's post, I think she might be onto something.

What if Clive does sabotage things? What if he somehow manages to swap assignments with Dennis?  So he gets sent to the posh place and Dennis goes to the downmarket place.  Then Clive would get a just reward for messing with the way things should be.  

Anyhow, just a thought, one I think would really work, but it's just a thought.

Quoted from mcornetto What if Clive does sabotage things? What if he somehow manages to swap assignments with Dennis?  So he gets sent to the posh place and Dennis goes to the downmarket place.  Then Clive would get a just reward for messing with the way things should be.

Thanks for reading this again.  Do you mean switch the characters situations so Clive gets caught in the house?  Hmm maybe, I guess that could work.  It would make the situation of the Santa getting caught more satisfying, if he had cheated his way on the better delivery.  I did touch on this with Dennis getting the easy delivery because he's related to Nick.