Oh, What a Night by Raymond H. Smith - Short, Action, Drama, Comedy - Sometimes, a simple little thing like making a dinner reservation gets overly complicated. 5 pages - pdf, format 8)

hey raymond,

the first 3 pages for me worked really well and were funny, but the end didn't do it for me.  i was not sure where officer peter's stain came from, and i also thought it was unbelievable that tessie would flash him when he said he didn't look.  in general it was very difficult for me to buy the whole last scene, although i do not really have any ideas for other directions you could go in.  but you have funny/clever ideas (him using his clothes to climb, the whole numbers thing with the officer, etc.)

Hey Raymond.

Although only 5 pages this took more time than expected to read.  You can tighten this up somewhat, it's a bit over written.

I found it a bit strange that Gregory starts talking to Jocelyn like he knows her and Brandon, for a waiter it seemed a bit weird and out of the blue when there was no indication that they knew each other.

I also don't know where the stain came from but I understand the open towel flash, women are weird like that.  They get offended if you stare but if you don't they get upset for not.  You hit the nail on the head here.

I thought this was a good short but would benefit from a quick touch up so it reads easier and faster.

Hi, A nice short script to ease me back into it after my month away from the site.

I enjoyed it at the start, a good little quirky story that was fairly well written. But I don't know if you were in a rush to get it finished or just ran out of steam but it just seemed to fall apart somewhat at the end and at one stage I was not 100% sure what was going on anymore, the stain appeared from nowhere and would be good to understand how the girls know each other.

I think it could certainly benefit from a re-write and a little more time spent on the ending as you have got the basis here for a much better story I am sure.

It reminded me a little of the screenwriting lessons I have been reading so much of lately..

Act one: Get your hero up a tree
Act two: Throw rocks at him
Act three: Get him down from the tree.

Maybe you could get someone to throw more rocks at him? :-)

Thanks Murphy

I liked this script.  Your writing is solid, no problems there.

Has this happened to you?  I'm only asking because this has happened to people I know before and in every case, they just went and got a spare from the manager(the apartment building provided the new locks and kept a spare in case).  It's just that when I first understood what was going on, the first thing that popped in my head was, "Why doesn't he just go grab a spare key from the manager?"  Although reading over it again, it's kind of looks as though he's already tried that and is now onto plan Z.  Just wondering if you knew that was an option.

It was really hard for me to find anything major to gripe about it (a good thing) so here's a few small things:

-It seems weird that the waiter knows Brandon's name.  I know it's really small but it would seem better if he just said "him".

-I think it would be funnier if he was struggling to hold onto the window sill, or whatever, and the cat came up to him and started licking his fingers or disrupting him somehow.  He tries to shoo it away and attempts to climb in, so when Tessie walks in, it looks like he's an intruder trying to climb into her apartment.

-Easy way to explain the stain on the officer's pants is have him pull up to the building and see Brandon just dangling there while Tessie tries to bash his hands with a rolled-up magazine or something to make him fall and the officer is drinking coffee but he isn't paying attention because of the sight and he spills it on himself accidently.

-What really doesn't make sense with the nods at the end is that I assume this is just Brandon's apartment because, well, that's what the slug said.  So how is it that Jocelyn and Tessie know each other but when Brandon was hanging on her window sill or whatever, it didn't seem like Tessie knew who he was.  She says "Arrest this man, officer."  I just didn't see any recognition between them so how would Jocelyn and Tessie know each other but not Tessie and Brandon?  It's probably not that important because I assume you're gonna chuck it anyway because it seems to be garnering a negative response to it.  

Feel free to ignore my suggestions.  I'm not big on embarrasing situational comedy so, naturally, I suck at it.

So all in all, I liked it.  It's just one of those scripts where you kinda have to suspend  belief (Well, to me, anyway).  I'll try and give your other script a read as soon as I can.

His struggle to get into the apartment was good, the resolution wasn't so good.  I feel the same as others - how did the officer's pants get stained and why did he take them off?

Hey Raymond,

Ditto on the things everybody had talked about above, especially about the waiter knowing Brandon and Tessie knowing Jocelyn, but not Brandon.  I have one other comment to add, though.

On the rooftop, you say the cable wires bend upward.  If Brandon is hanging from them, shouldn't they be bending downward?

I'm a little bit ticked because I read this about three times searching for a goddamn stain.  I'm happy now that I know it wasn't me.

From now on, I'm reading everybody's posts about a script first.  :-)

- Mark

Thanks for the reads and posts.  I appreciate the input.

Yeah...  I took a chance on the jump - and failed.  I was counting on audiences' minds filling in the gaps in a sort of Eisenstein way, but it didn't work.  Gregory and Jocelyn having practically shared their life stories in the time she's been waiting.  Peters catching Brandon, who falls after being flashed, getting grass/mud/shit/blood/what-have-you stains.  It may have been better to either go all out and have a clown, pony, and a priest standing in the room with them - or just leave it all out.  The Tessie-Jocelyn connection just came to me better in my mind.  I don't like them having known each other, but I did like the casual salutations in the midst of such a situation.

allfy - I was concerned about it being overwritten and a slow read because there isn't much dialog at all.  Could you point out some areas that bogged you down?  There are all kinds of women out there.  Tessie?  Well?  She is that kinda woman.

Murphy - More rocks could help.  More rocks and less jumps.  This is a kind of personal assignment to myself.  A way to test somethings and get feedback quickly rather than in a feature length effort.

Hoody - I've always been able to break in, but have often wondered how people that don't know how to do it do it.  Where I live now, my access to a spare key depends on a drunk Russian that's rarely around.  I did like your suggestion with the cat and if I went that route, I'd have to name the cat.  And if I name the cat, I have to name the cat Tweety.  I just do.  It's best not to ask questions.

rc1107 - I was hoping that it was clear the cables were on the inside of the ledge around the roof, not exterior.  If that's not clear after a few reads, I really need to be more clear about that.  I wrestle with being clear versus being overwritten (see this post - case in point).  Thanks for the multiple reads!

I feel that this would have been much better served with another five to ten pages.  However, I am determined to be able to come up with a complete story that doesn't sound like a scene from a larger movie in five pages or less (something I really sucked at in film school).  This just isn't a five minute story.  I'm going to stretch it out a little more and cut it a bit and we'll see where it lands.

Hey Ray,

You aren't a bad writer. I like the characters in this script and the dialogue wasn't bad.  The story was good but it could be even better.

I thought whole hanging nude or nearly nude from a building was a bit cliche but I'm not sure there is any way around it for this story.

I think you need to foreshadow the ending somehow.  Perhaps have Jocelyn leave Raymond's place beforehand and play around with the light thingy (whatever that is?)

Lots of questions

Did Raymond and Jocelyn live together?  How did Jocelyn know Tess?  Wouldn't that imply that Tess knew Raymond?  Why wouldn't she try and help him?  How did the officer get his pants stained?  If Tess flashed at Raymond why didn't she come on the officer?

You definitely need to adress some of these.  

Hi Ray;

Some funny stuff. Don't think you need "thirty something male." Just Brandon, (30's) is fine. Unless it's an adrogynous name, like Jamie, it doesn't need to be specified...Don't think he's have much success using an ad flyer to open the door...Why did he get locked out?

If he's in an apartment, he could have just called maintenance and they'd open the door, but what fun would that be?

I liked the fact that Jocelyn knew Brandon's character so well that this absurd behaviour was predictable.

Tessie seemed cute. Any excuse to see a woman drop her towel...Liked the cat.

Gregory seemed a little too concerned about waiting for Brandon...Don't think he'd care that much.

Tessie would have gotten dressed, probably sloppily, before bringing Officer Peter's pants back...What happened to his pants, and why is it important to the story? Just having Tessie show up, dressed to here his explaination would be sufficient...

Did Brandon know about the spare key in the Thingy? Course, he is a guy, and that may have been filtered out during the football game. I know this.

Really long read for a 5 pager...Still, got some chuckles...

This was pretty funny, and I actually liked the joke that Jocelyn took it personal that Brandon didn't look then flashed him.

I though the end was a little flat.  It felt like the next line was "ba dum bum."

Hey,

This wasn't that bad, not any huge problems in my opinion, but I didn't like it too much.
A lot of your jokes didn't work for me, mainly because this isn't really type of humor.

I agree with what the others said: I thought the set up was pretty strong but then it got weaker. I was confused by the magic stain, tessie knowing Jocelyn but not brandon, the waiter knowing Brandon, the wires bending upwards. All of the descriptions about scaling the building weren't that clear to me, I had to go over it a couple of times. I'll also add that occasionally your dialog felt a little stiff. Peter's "this is indecent" line for example.

Overall, I think some of the writing is good but this could still use some work.

sheepwalker