Billy and the Bees by Melissa - Short - A mother who explains to her son that if he does not stop biting his nails, he will end up with the belly of a pregnant woman. 1 page - doc, format 8)

So this seems more like a joke in script form, considering that it is one page. These normally don't work (it's happened to me before) so that's why people try and avoid them because people don't find them funny some times (or most of the time).

- I'm positive that you mean "absent-mindedly" rather than "absently-mindedly."
- Your format is off. The text should be in Courier 12 and your margins are off for the dialogue.
- When you give people names, you call them by that for now on. You don't introduce someone (Susan, Billy) and then continue to call them Woman or Son. It's not necessary.

This script is too short to give any other criticism except for the fact that it is too short...Lengthen it a bit, you know? This could be a commercial, but for what? This could be something you could film, and it would be an easy piece, sort of.

The ending....I knew what was coming, kind of, and I didn't really find it that funny, but I sort of imagined the son actually being a daughter and she walks up to the woman and she's teary-eyed and says her line the way you described it. What I imagined reminded me of the girl from School of Rock who has to talk to the principal and she's crying...well if you've sene the movie then you'd know what I was talking about.

Sean

Short Short. Not real funny though...Kind of a Kid's say the darndest things moment...Suggest changing the joke slightly, as something I learned, being an idiot guy, is that you never EVER assume a woman is pregnant. Never.

way too short to tell a story.  As someone already noted, it's a joke more than anything else.

My mom got my sister to stop not only biting her nails, but also from spitting them out when she was seven years old.

She bought hamburger meat that wasn't exactly the best grade and after my sister complained about all the gristle, my mom told her that she had collected all the nail clippings my sister had spit out and put them in the meat.

- Mark

Oh yeah.  My sister doesn't eat hamburgers anymore, either.

I was very curious to see a one page script.  In addition to things already mentioned, it looked like action lines were cramped together to fit it to less than a page, and then that it may be longer still when properly formatted.  I do vote for a different ending.  I don't mind it playing out as a joke, but it would play out better if I wasn't getting ahead of it.  Maybe the pregnant woman overheard the mom and wanted to play along.

Hey,

Yeah. I agree with everyone else that this is basically just a joke. For what it is though I guess you did an alright job. I didn't find the punch line that funny either. I think it would have worked better for me if Bill Cosby came out of nowhere and started being... you know... wacky.

Anyway, then it'd be kinda like a family guy non sequitur.

nice effort,

sheepwalker

Most people have commented on tis being a joke, but for me I didn't read it that way.  I thought it was just one of those funny moments...but unfortunately it wasn't that funny.

Did this actually happen?  If so, it might be one of those 'you had to be there' moments.