Cold Chill by Michael Prevette and Tony Elwood - Horror - Something happened at the Whateley School 25 years ago, something...awful. Now, a TV news crew returns to the supposedly haunted school for a puff piece on haunted houses, only to find that ghosts are all too real. And angry. And they're coming.  97 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Michael and Tony, just finished with your guys script.  It was a pretty descent Ghost story, a bit standard, but it did have it's moments.

I would first suggest taking out the cut to's: and you have cold chill at the top right hand corner of every page, you can take those out as well.

I think there is a little too much explaining in your descriptions, like on the first page you say it is silent, then the next line you write the laughter isn't heard, you don't need that cause you just mentioned the line before that it is silent.  On page you don't need to write that it is an establishing shot, not really necessary.  page 11 you write "By cottage 10. It is indeed in need of a helping hand. The
place is overgrow with vines and in dire need of paint." you cant take out the helping hand part out since your next line describes what we see., So stuff like that you can take out, not a big deal though.

Other than Lisa, Josh, Ray and Robert, I have no Idea how old these characters are, is Danny a young kid, is Val an older woman?

Page 56 you write "He did save me. He did. Whatever he
did, her died saving me."  think you meant "HE died saving me"

I think you set up a good mood and tone for the story, at least for the first two thirds, I liked how there was this sense of dread through out, it was kind of a shame it went into an action climax including a vortex, reminded me of the ending of the monster squad, I wish that wasn't there, there is something about vortex's that I don't like, but that's probably just a matter of taste.  I did like the climax involving Val and Danny, and the banter between them is entertaining.

I think you did a good job with the set up and tone and feel of the story, but like I said before this is a standard haunted house/school kinda story, it actually kinda reminded me of Rose red.

So I think this was well written and I could tell that there was a lot of effort put into this so good job on that, I think a different climax would work better, at least for me, and cut out some of the descriptions a bit,  anyways nice work.

Thanks for the read and the notes, much appreciated.

The script has been in perpetual pre-production for a few years now. Initial financing fell through shortly after this draft, but Tony ( who will be producer/director and has already completed 2 indie horror films "Road Kill" and "Killer") is currently raising funds again, so maybe 2008 is the year, who knows.

The camera directions, cut-to's etc, are leftover from his shooting draft, thought I had removed those, good catch on those and the typos.

Also yes, agreed I tend to Over-write descriptions, my biggest hurdle to overcome.

Interesting you mention the ending, which I also had big issues with. Originally, the initial investors wanted a "Sixth Sense feel" to the story, and the original ending was more in the mood with the rest of the script. It had a very similar confrontation with the going-out-the-window, but did NOT have all the vortex mumbo-jumbo. After that deal fell through, my directions were to add all of that ...at my producer/director's request of course. It works for what it is but I felt a less effects laden climax worked much better. But, this draft is the most complete overall, so it's the one I posted.

So thanks again for the feedback and nice words. Any other reviews/feedback are most welcome.

Hey,


Well I saw this when it got posted up and I thought, "Hm. Should be interesting."


I like ghost stories and all, but what I don't like about them is that they always end in drama. I like ghost stories that end with you to be scared or creeped out or something, rather than to feel sorry for a character. But that's just me.

I noticed a lot of typos, especially the "her's" when they should've been "he's."

I kept on getting all the characters mixed up and everything, and when you were switching from the vortex scene to the Danny Vs. Val scene and then to the Tom Vs. Trisha scene, I was like, "What the heck is happening!?" But I'm more of a visual person so if I saw this on screen then it'd be so much easier for me to understand everything.

Everything started out really slow and nothing really began to happen until about halfway through the script when bad things started happening. Even though there were small parts such as the hanging ghost boy or the ectoplasm during the saince (however you spell it), I started to get a little bored with it. But that was probably you just trying to start things up.

I don't understand how Josh and Robert became "real."

Did Tom die, come back to life, and become an evil ghost thing? And then died when Trisha stabbed him in the neck? I got confused at that also.

Overall, this was a decent script. It's cool that you're trying to film this. I'd actually like to see it because I like reading scripts and then watching the movie to see how everything is like and stuff.

Sean

Quoted from Zombie Sean Hey, I kept on getting all the characters mixed up and everything, and when you were switching from the vortex scene to the Danny Vs. Val scene and then to the Tom Vs. Trisha scene, I was like, "What the heck is happening!?" But I'm more of a visual person so if I saw this on screen then it'd be so much easier for me to understand everything. Interesting, had not heard that before. It DOES switch back and forth willy-nilly in the climax, I'll look again to see if it's not clear in the transitions. Everything started out really slow and nothing really began to happen until about halfway through the script when bad things started happening. Even though there were small parts such as the hanging ghost boy or the ectoplasm during the saince (however you spell it), I started to get a little bored with it. But that was probably you just trying to start things up. It was intended to begin slow, add events here and there, build a sense of dread or doom, disquiet, but still keep it interesting as it goes. Granted it's shock-heavy in the last half, guess it reaches the Hell-Breaks-Loose point and rockets from there. Sorry you were bored by the build up, but I can see what you're saying in that the first half is used to set up, providing incidents along the way, and second half is all given over to boogers. I don't understand how Josh and Robert became "real." Meh, yeah the evil is so....potent...yeah...that they become corpreal....yeah, that's it.. Did Tom die, come back to life, and become an evil ghost thing? And then died when Trisha stabbed him in the neck? I got confused at that also. No, he didn't die and come back, just was consumed by the evil that was pretty much consuming the house by then Overall, this was a decent script. It's cool that you're trying to film this. I'd actually like to see it because I like reading scripts and then watching the movie to see how everything is like and stuff. Sean

Hey mike,
I finished reading as promised.

I found a lot of type os, mostly her when you meant he.

There was a lot of ghostly stuff that I liked. Some of the stuff I've seen before (like the painting, the vortex) but I feel it still worked well.

I did get confused a little with all the characters. They all had normal names, nothing to distinguish themselves from each other...

I thought evil Robert talking on page 80 and 81 just made him not so scary. I think it made him laughable... Sorry. I'd lose his dialogue in those scenes.

And on page 83 Danny says Boo again? I'd lose that too, just have him move toward her. Same with his dialogue. It seemed to cheapen the scare, and it just seemed funny.

Page 85 This scene you tell that the wind is howling as Barb screams out words, but there is no dialogue in this scene.

I liked how the pages caught fire. That was pretty cool.

I'm not a fan of the ending. I didn't like the other side being there.
I think it should be cut, and have Lisa muttering to Ray as she is dying.

Nice ghost story though, :)

Cindy

Quoted from CindyLKeller There was a lot of ghostly stuff that I liked. Some of the stuff I've seen before (like the painting, the vortex) but I feel it still worked well. I did get confused a little with all the characters. They all had normal names, nothing to distinguish themselves from each other...

The characters by their dialogue and motivations -to me - seem well defined - but I think maybe it's closer to home to say they maybe all speak in the same 'voice' maybe? That's something I still have to work on overall , making each character speak in their own voice.

Quoted Text I thought evil Robert talking on page 80 and 81 just made him not so scary. I think it made him laughable... Sorry. I'd lose his dialogue in those scenes. And on page 83 Danny says Boo again? I'd lose that too, just have him move toward her. Same with his dialogue. It seemed to cheapen the scare, and it just seemed funny.

For this, really I agree with your point but it had to be as is for this version. This rewrite was my 2nd draft with director's revisions, and my further additions, but the tone you mention, the dialogue being funny in places where it should be scary, is intentional. It's something I'm on the fence with. Younger readers/audiences ( the teen market is where it was decided this was going to slant to) don't mind the jokey tone, whereas adults prefer it more serious without the "funny bits" dropped into scare scenes. I prefer it more straight ahead horror. But I was paid to give it the tone the director wanted, so there ya go.  To begin with, this was a low key ghost story. The vortex at the end didn't exist, neither did the gore. The original request was for the TONE to be in line with "The Sixth Sense", the tone, mood, not that it had to be a "twist" type story. So that's what was written, a low key story more akin to "The Legend Of Hell House", and immediately  after the first draft was turned in, new directions came in to amp up the gore and jokes.

Quoted Text Page 85 This scene you tell that the wind is howling as Barb screams out words, but there is no dialogue in this scene.

Right,  it's meant to be in insert shot - the wind howling, forces battering them as Barb reads out, but her voice should be lost in the sound FX, unintelligble. Maybe needs to be clearer, thanks.

Quoted Text I liked how the pages caught fire. That was pretty cool. I'm not a fan of the ending. I didn't like the other side being there. I think it should be cut, and have Lisa muttering to Ray as she is dying. Nice ghost story though, :)   Cindy

Thanks for the read, I appreciate your time.