You Can Keep The Dog! by Stephen Brown - Short - Tom Reynold's wife has left him after 20 years of marriage. She's taken everything and the divorce has left him broke. All he's left with is the Doberman she bought him, who possibly hates him as much as she did. 4 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Stephen, I gave this a quick read.

Lose the camera angles, they arew not needed. All they do is cause distraction.

The descriptions are a bit long. Trim them down.

Page 2- V.O. CASEY should be CASEY (V.O.)

I though Casey was a girl dog? WHy does she lift her leg and pee like a boy dog?

Page 2- O.C. TOM should be TOM (O.S.)

The ending was random and left me disappointed. Come to a conclusion. As it is now, this script isn't a success. Sorry.

~Zack~

Zack, thanks for the feedback. Yeah my bad about the cross-gender mistake, stupidity is my only excuse for that.
There isn't really a conclusion, just that Tom has gone mad. I was thinking about getting him to kill the dog but wanted to keep it so the dog wins in the end.
Apart from the mistakes with V.O is the formatting any better than my earlier efforts?
Thanks again.

Hey Stephen,

Yeah, besides the VO/OC things and some bulky descriptions, it is decently formated. And if you want the dog to win in the end... please show it. The way it is now, there is no conclusion.

~Zack~

I'll take zack's side in this. There really isn't an ending... it was just random.

I think you could've used more measures to make Tom seem insane.

I did like the "replacement bitch" line. gave me a laugh.

-Andrew

Wow, even though this was very short you managed to fit in a load of expletives. The imaginary conversations with what Tom sees as the replacement for his ex was great. It gave the dog a personality of its own.

Zack summed up a lot of what might be needed to add to this script. It needs a clearer ending. I was surprised when I got to the end and nothing had happened. Give it another go, but work with your idea a little more first.

James

Hey Mr. Brown,

Lol.  I did like the idea of giving Casey a voiceover.  It was funny and did add a little bit of edge to Tom going mad and conveying the message that 'he might not be all right' up in the head.

It is true, though, about the ending.  You said you wanted to show the dog won, but you didn't.  Sure, Tom busted up his place a little bit, but the way you left it, Tom was going to get him eventually, so there was no actual resolution.  At least not one that you showed us, anyway.

Quoted from You Can Keep the Dog! TOM. CONTINUED. (TO CASEY) You’ve even got the same eyes as her. Black, void of any emotion except contempt. I didn’t think when you get a divorce you get a replacement bitch just to fill in for the departed.

That whole line made me laugh out loud.  :-)

It's kind of hard to tell if the formatting is any better or not, as there were still some of the same mistakes that I saw in 'Goodnight Anna', but I think I remember you saying you had already posted another one, so I'm thinking that this was the one that you submitted already.  (I understand what you meant by POV of a dog, now.)  :-)

I know Tom is pissed and angry and lonely and going slowly insane, but this still felt rather light-hearted and humorous.  I'm going to propose this be voted the best light-hearted 3 page short that uses at least twelve swear words ever.

- Mark

P.S. -  And I just found this humorous, but, because of his name, I pictured Tom as a cross between TOM Selleck and Burt REYNOLDS.  :-)

Cheers for the reads folks.
I've amended this a little bit but can't post it back on yet. I've lost the camera angles although I'm toying with keeping the P.O.V and added an ending where Tom gets arrested, probably headed to a mental health centre. It now closes on Tom blaming the dog to the policemen as they drive him away then does a Simpsons-esq close on the dog making shifty eyes. Will post it when I get a chance.
I liked that line when I was writing it aswell, pleased others got a laugh from it. I was thinking more William H Macy for Tom's character but the Selleck/Reynolds cross would be good - if only there was such an actor.
Look out for 'Thankyou Anna' (repost of Goodnight Anna) - should be on soon.

I see this as a scene, not a short.  Your character didn't learn anything or change in any way, he just got into a fight with his dog.  

I see your point Yosef91. However, he does snap. When it starts Tom is accepting the situation but just feeling sorry for himself. By the end he is in a rage and is trying to kill the dog/ex-wife.

Hey Steve,

I think you have a good start to a script here.  The images of him being miserable and talking to the dog are very good. But there needs to be some resolution at the end.  As a matter of fact if there wasn't a FADE OUT I would have thought that the pdf was accidentally chopped off somewhere in the middle.  

I see from the comments that you were making the main character snap mentally, but how does that relate to the rest of the story.  You have to carry this concept through to a conclusion.

Hey Ste, I second the other comments here in that the ending was a bit disappointing.  It has a good setup but it could do with being a bit longer.  I love the way he talks to the dog.  Nothing else to say really, it wasn't bad but doesn't feel complete at the mo.

Hey Stephen,

First of all, remember to put the script title and your name on the title page. Second, learn formating - and this is essential (there's a thread called Screenwriting Class where you can pick up all sorts of great info). There are also plenty of books on the subject and my fav is David Trottier's The Screenwriter’s Bible.

But formating will only get you so far. Story is key and every story must 1) a beginning, 2) a middle and 3) an end. This script seems to lack a little in each department. A classic mistake - but an easy fix - is telling instead of showing. Most of Tom's emotions (especially in the build up) come through dialogue and that's not enough in order to potray his feelings. To me he's just a guy talking to a mutt and then goes beserk.

Be careful of writing something that can't be shown on screen. Example:

Quoted from YOU CAN KEEP THE DOG - page 2 Tom looks solemnly down at Casey without surprise. He’s clearly had these imaginary conversations with Casey before.

That last sentence needs to go - it's simply unfilmable.

Also, refrain from using words like BEGINS TO, STARTS TO. In scripts it's either do or don't.

Another thing you need to have a look at is the actual writing. I saw a lot of IS SITTING, IS WALKING, IS RUNNING etc. Keep your writing active, use SITS, WALKS, RUNS instead. My best advise to you is to lose all the ISs and AREs in your scripts. It's not an easy fix but then again it's not impossible. And trust me, your scripts will look and read a helluvalot better.

Cheers
Rob

Thanks for the reads and notes there. Yeah I can see where the problems are with this script. I think formatting-wise I was trying to do things that I didn't know how to do properly, like POV i still don't really know how to format.
I've learnt a fair bit since submitting this one, hopefully that shows with my rewrite caled 'thank you anna'. Hopefully the next one i submit called 'Big Stakes' will be a step up.

My complaints are exactly what other people have already stated.

Is sitting should read sits.

Lose all camera direction, that's the job of the director. Unless it's a shooting script, which this is not.

Trim down the actions.

Work with it a little more, expand, don't be afraid to write more about the story. You've got backstory here that could translate into a longer short.

Keep up the work.

thought i'd take a look after 'thank you, anna'.  i think i have same feelings as others.  i feel you should cut down on the diaolgue and show more (like the line of dialogue explaining why his wife is gone.  if anything, show a picture of him and his wife, and maybe he rips it out or something like that).  and this should definitely be expanded to give it more story.  your a capable writer, so we'll see what you come up with next

I think that "You can keep the Dog" has some hope, obviously it needs some help,  I got to thinking about it today.  It could be turned into a twisted sci-fi type of Twilight zone eposiode you know what I mean?  The dog plays head games with the owner, where does this lead?  some sort of competition between the owner and the dog?  Who wins? the dog or the owner? perhaps neither, maybe he learns to love the dog, than it runs out in the street and is killed by a fleeting motorist!  In the end I could hear the Twilight Zone narration,  "The dog terrorized his mental being until he found he loved it, than now, and only now clutching onto the dogs bloody carcas, sobbing hysterically searching for a new layer of peace of mind, somewhere only found in the Twilight Zone."   Keep working on it!    

Hi ajnemeth.
I have done a rewrite but totally forgot about it with posting down during the OWC. I'll have another look at the second draft when I get home and put it up.
Thanks for your thoughts.

I think this has some potential, but still needs work. The ending was abrupt and the overall script could be a few more pages. That might tighten your story up.

Thanks Pants

I've just sent the revised version, will say when it's on. This was one of my first scripts on here.

Ste

Quoted from stebrown Thanks Pants I've just sent the revised version, will say when it's on. This was one of my first scripts on here. Ste

I kind of picked up on that. I've been going back and reading some of the older scripts. I look forward to reading your rewrite.

Revised version now available. Thanks Don.

I personally think that the most remarkable thing about this piece of writing is that it doesn't resemble at all the story, characters, successes, and/or the mistakes pointed out in any of the comments above.

In what I read, there's no female character, dog, V.O., camera angles, or Tom.

As a matter of fact, the few similarities that I can find are more in the realm of the confussion caused by  descriptions and the need for a story to be told.

Quoted from garbagemen In what I read, there's no female character, dog, V.O., camera angles, or Tom.

You sure you read the right script? Because I found most of those things in there just skimming through it.

It is a revised version, and a lot of the comments appear to have been taken on board, but Tom and the dog are still there.

Ok Garbageman, cheers for the read but there is a dog and a V.O. Lost the camera angles but Tom's definately there too.

You just read the title page?

This was one of my first scripts and the revised version took into account the thoughts of people who read the script and gave comments on it - even though it wasn't particularly good.

Ste

As I said in the post that got censored for no good reason, I'd like if this writing contained a story.

Best wishes.

Please, disregard the last comment.

I read your reply, and I wonder if we're reading the same story. Seriously.

The story that pops in my screen is called "A Day in the Life of Fred Harold", by Kyle MacKenzie and Shawb Martin. And the main characters are Fred Harold, a camera guy, Bob, and Fester - which I'm not sure is  Fred's father or not.

You bet I read it, come on! I might be lazy, but not that much - it's only seven pages!

And that, in my computer, is what it is the unproduced script for July 31st. I asure you: there's neither Tom nor a dog in the story I read.

Well, what can I say? Apologies for the misleading critique.

You are not going crazy, Garbage.

The "Script of the Day" is "A day in the life..." (not so good), but when you click, "Discuss the Script", it sends you here -- to ol' Steve's thread.

All of that is going on with the main board.  Those that come right to the discussion board would not encounter such weirdness.

Very odd, and very confusing for you, I am sure.

Perhaps Don has been hitting the Merlot again.

Thanks Bert.

Love merlot.

haha I was wondering what was going on.

No worries

Ste