Just Another Day by Andrew Derr - Short - A troubled man has one last bad day. 8 pages - pdf, format 8)

Thanks for getting this up Don. This is my first script guys. Any advice would be appreciated.

-Andrew

Hey Andrew,

Congrats on finishing your first script. It is a ver good first script.

Format is very good and the pacing flows well. The twist was unexpected and, in my opinion, gave the story some power.

I'm glad you decided to change the title from what it was originally. 'Cream' would have been a horrible title.

Nothing too negative I can really say about this. A very impressive first script. Well done.

~Zack~

Thanks Zack. I agree on Cream being a horrible title, but when I first thought of the script, coffee was going to play some weird part in it, hence the name Cream. But now that would have made no sense.

Thanks for the help on this one..
And the read.
-Andrew

Hey Andrew. This was a pretty good first script you have here. Some suggestions though that you might want to take into consideration.

When you introduced the hostess, who was also Judy, you don't need to capitalize "hostess" if you're going to tell us her name too. You just capitalize her name. Also, with Susan's name, you don't need to capitalize it if she's not even going to be shown on screen. And if she were to appear on screen, you don't capitalize her name in dialogue. You only capitalize it when she appears on screen. Just a pointer.

The twist at the end was a pretty good one. I sort of suspected that it was multiple personalities but I wasn't sure until the end, which was good.

Good job,
Sean

Thanks for the read Sean. I'll have to go back and make corrections. I'm glad you weren't sure of the twist. I appreciate your help.

-Andrew

nice effort for your first script.  i remember how bad my formatting (if you could even call it that) was on my first script, so i was surprised how you pulled yours off.  as for the story, i did not find entirely plausible.  i wasn't sure if i could buy him crying right away when he gets the info.  one other thing is i think you should eliminate the stuff with the construction workers, i wasn't exactly sure what purpose it served.  and i also think you could maybe shorten the waitress' V.O.  it seems like she was just giving us too much info., and not all of it was necessary.  i'm not trying to be negative, and i know this is your first script, but you posted this on here for feedback, so i'm just trying to be helpful.   but keep writing, and come back to this script in the future (say 6 months), and compare it to what you're writing then, and i'm sure you'll see you're improving (at least that's how it is for me, i hopefully am a better writer than i was a couple years ago!)  

Thanks dkw208 for the read. I wasn't sure about the construction workers, I may take them out, I may not, still undecided. I just wanted Charles to seem as emotional as possible. I like the Judy's V.O. so thats going to stay. I think it just builds up to the end.

Thanks
-Andrew

Hey Andrew thought I'd check out your short.

I have to agree with dkw208 regarding the construction workers, I'm not sure what part they play...maybe a red herring as at first I thought Charles was a closet homosexual and had eyes for Tim.

Also the Judy's V.O. was a bit long winded, perhaps a flashback maybe with voiceover would be more dramatic, showing the car crash.

The other thing that bothered me slightly was that Jasen and Charles' chat had barely got started when Jasen declared he had slept with Susan.  I know the twist (no spoilers here) but a little bit more chat would make the confession hit harder.

The story though was very good and you have no problems with format.  This was a good quick read, very entertaining.  Good stuff.

Thanks alffy for the read. I'm going to take the construction workers out when I go back to this, I thought they might add something to it, but I suppose they're completely pointless. I'll also add flashbacks and lengthen the beginning of Jasen and Charles' chat. Those are both things that I was unsure about doing when I first wrote it.

Thanks
-Andrew

Hey Andrew,

This was an interesting read. Well, it wasn't at first but when you brought in the multiple personality twist it reached a new level. I thought that Jasen was very on-the-nose with his dialogue and I think that could use a bit of build-up (cos' it's kinda out of the blue).

Judy's long monologue needs to be shortened (if not deleted), you're telling instead of showing and that's a big 'ol no-no. Find a way to incorporate that info into something that moves the story forward in a more action-oriented way.

A couple of format glitches...

Parentichals should not be placed together with the actual dialogue. Instead do this:

CHARLES
What?
(concerned)
What is it?

Don't use words like "starts to" or "begins to". It either rains or it don't (as an example).

Never cap names within the dialogue, that is reserved for action lines.

All in all a solid first try - just needs a little work.


Cheers
Rob

Thanks for the read Rob,

I'm definitely going to change some things in there. Luckily I got some pointers from zack,
otherwise my format would have been a complete disaster.

Thanks for your advice.
-Andrew

Hey Andrew,

Lol.  This is a little bit of a coincidence.  One of the features I'm working on right now is adapting 'Flowers for Algernon' into a screenplay.  I'm not sure if you've ever read it, but the main character's name is Charlie Gordon.  Then Charles Gordon after his operation.

Definately not a bad job for your first script.  Just a quick question.  Did you have this written before you joined SimplyScripts, or after?  I'm just curious if you learned to properly format here, or you checked out a couple books, first.

The formatting was excellent, especially for your first go.  Although there were a few problems along the way.  Rob already brought up the point about using parentheticals the correct way.  But honestly, you don't even need them in your script.  They are really only acting cues, at best.  True, it's not as bad as giving the camera directions, but it still gets in the way of the flow of the story.  Besides, Charles already asking 'What?  What is it?' already conveys the idea that he's concerned.

You also use it with the construction workers, but since, (hopefully), you're going to take that part out, it's irrelevent.  'CONSTRUCTION WORKER 1 - He may be new (laughs) but he can swear like the rest of us already.'  You stated before he spoke that everybody was already laughing.  Then, after he says that, you say everybody laughs again.  It's just unnecessary repetition.

Just remember to try and use parantheticals only when absolutely necessary, when the reader won't figure out what's going on.

Also, we don't need to see the continued's at the top and bottom of the pages.  Unless we're magically warped through the internet to another link just from scrolling down, we know it's the same story.  This, however, might be the fault of the software.  Mine automatically puts them in no matter what, but I could also go through the Properties setting and have them automatically taken out, too.

All right, on to the story, which also wasn't too bad, but there could be a few things done to touch it up considerably.

A couple people have touched upon taking the construction workers out completely, which is a great idea.  Everything in a short screenplay (or a feature for that matter) should drive the story forward, and they are meaningless in the script to spend half a page on them, unless you have them make fun of Charles for talking to himself later on.

And it would definately be in your best interest to develop the relationship between Charles and Jasen more before you hit us with the twist.  Also maybe have Jason ask 'Where's the orange juice' or something since he orders it every time.  That way, it'll seem more plausible for Charles acting so sensitive and lashing out suddenly and add a little more dynamics to the difficult concept of the story.

Also, something that didn't seem right to me, was how Judy knows all this about his wife.  You start off her monologue by stating 'Apparenty, they had a bad relationship'.  How does Judy know?  Charles' wife didn't tell her that because she's dead.  And Charles didn't tell her that because he told her that she's still alive, so I'm kind of curious as to where she's getting her information from.

Other than those things, the script was written very well for a first script and the story was intriguing.  It just needs a little more logic added in and tidied up here and there in a few places.

- Mark

Nice twist.

Nicely written.

But as Sniper said, you should show, not tell. It kinda shows weakness in your writing when you have to tell the audience what is going on. You need to trust them more, simply show.

Great read though, looking forward to more work from you. Especially since this is your first try at a script.

Thanks Mark and "TheUsualSuspect" for the reviews and kind words.

Mark, I wrote this after i joined simply scripts, I've been reading my friends
for so long that I kind of got the hang of it. Plus he helped me out with some
of the formatting. As for the "continued" at the top and bottom of pages.. they're
a product of the program I'm using. I didn't know I could take them out, but I will be
sure to in the future. About Judy knowing what happened to Charles... I wanted it to
be like a small town restaurant where everyone knows everyone's names. I
guess I should put more things in there that implies that. So when his wife
dies, it was the talk of the town. Thats where she would've got the info from.

Thanks for the reviews guys. I appreciate it.
-Andrew