Scarefest episode 4 - Meat Pies by Anthony Hudson (alffy) - Short, Horror - With their exams looming, Gav, Russ and Mozza take a weekend break away in the English countryside.  Unfortunately they order far more than they can eat. - pdf, format 8)

Allfy, I'm just gonna come out and say it. Meat Pies is brilliant! It is the "Evil Dead" of short horror scripts.

The story is simple and not very original, but it is so over the top and gory that it doesn't matter. It is also extremely funny. When Gav came face to face with the dead mans dick, I couldn't help but laugh.

The format is great and the charaters are well developed for a short. Their dialog was snappy and flowed well.

When I wasn't laughing, I was being disgusted! The meat pies made me gag. Ooh...

Complaints... I can't think of any. I loved everything about this script.

I loved this script Alffy. Thank you for the great read. 10/10

~Zack~

Hey Alffy,

The title reminds me of that song from Sweeny Todd about Meat Pies...except I barely know how the song goes because I've not seen Sweeny Todd yet.

This story was bloody and fun to read. The plot was unoriginal as Zack mentioned, but the gore and action and funny dialogue made up for it.

There were actually a lot of characters for a 15 pager, and so it was hard for me to keep up with who was who. Like, I didn't know who Jess or Colin was, so when I didn't see that their names were capitalized, I figured they've been mentioned before, but I just didn't know when.

Also, there were a lot of spelling errors that you hafta check up on.

Other than that, great script.

Sean

I found this to be more humorous than scary but I have to say that I did enjoy it.  There were plenty of nice gross out moments throughout.

I do not think that the characters acted very realistically for what was happening to them, but since I found this more of an over the top gross out comedy it did not bother me.

From the title I knew exactly what was going to happen so there were no real surprises, but still it was a very enjoyable read.

Also I liked the American Werewolf in London tie in with the slaughtered lamb, I thought that was pretty clever.

Hey Alffy, this is a classic!

Really funny and the three lads were very well developed. It reminded me of Peter Jackson's 'Bad Taste' a little, just in the over the top gore and humour. Gotta say I didn't like the end though. Didn't really seem to be any reason for them to stay and cook pies.

I think if you did this as a shortish feature (60/70 pages) you'll be able to get an indie director to film it. Really think that the comedy and gore could make it a bit of a cult film. I think you could have it over a weekend and it takes them a little longer to realise what's going on. It seemed a little quick for the couple from the bus to have been killed and the girl put in a pie.

People have said it isn't original but I can't remember the last horror film I saw with an original idea. There's only so many ways people can get killed isn't there?

It kinda felt like this isn't the sort of genre you're comfortable with, just with it being so funny, but it works so if I was you I'd write more horrors.

Well done, mate.

Thanks for checking this out guys.

Quoted from zack It is the "Evil Dead" of short horror scripts

Thanks, that's one of my favourite films.  Glad you liked the humour and 10 out of 10, wow thanks again mate.

Quoted from zombie sean The title reminds me of that song from Sweeny Todd about Meat Pies

  
Strangely I wrote this before I went to see Sweeny Todd then realised the similarity in the pie story but thought what the hell. lol.
Oh sorry about the spelling, that was our lasses job so she's now fired!

Quoted from wilbur Also I liked the American Werewolf in London tie in with the slaughtered lamb, I thought that was pretty clever

  
Again, I love this film so couldn't resist the oportunity to name drop it in.

Quoted from stebrown Really funny and the three lads were very well developed

Cheers ste, I have trouble with my characters usually.

Quoted from stebrown It kinda felt like this isn't the sort of genre you're comfortable with, just with it being so funny, but it works so if I was you I'd write more horrors

Strangely most of my shorts are comedies but one and only feature is a horror.

Thanks again guys, I'll try and comment on the other scarefes episodes asap but unfortunately I don't hav the internet at the mo as I've just moved but I'll keep borrowing my mates internet.

Hey Alffy, just read this one.  I agree that it is far from original, but then again, there aren't many things that you can really call original anymore, so no big deal.  It reminds me very much of another script I read on here awhile ago...right down to the finger nail in the pie thing.  I also agree that having the couple from the Coach (is that supposed to be a bus?) turn out to be already killed and in the pies is kind of ridiculous, but I think you were going for complete ridiculousness and over the topness.

It was a bit funny in places and obviously was intended to be.  I personally am not a fan of "funny" horror pieces, but that's just me.  I think the humor saved this piece and made it engaging.

Lots of grammr errors and mis-spellings thoughout.  It sems like this is a rough draft almost. Most of the characters, other than the 3 guys, just all of a sudden appear in the script and don't seem to have much substance, but again, for what it is, that's probably your intention.

The ending is odd, to say the least.  I see you're going for humor here again, but I don't think it quite works the way you wanted it to.  Maybe it just didn't work for me though, who knows?

Interesting though to say the least.  Up the irons, mate!  

Hey Alffy,

This was a nice little short. Like the others have said it was more fun than scary but that's alright. Not much new here, a classic case of being at the wrong place at the wrong time. Some of the Brittish slang went right over my head but I think I got most of it but it was kinda difficult to tell the three guys apart. I think a little physical description of each wouldn't hurt.

All in all a good little funny gore flick that kinda reminded me of my own Every Knee Shall Bow (Double Carnage).

Cheers
Rob

Cheers for the reads guys

Quoted from dreamscale I also agree that having the couple from the Coach (is that supposed to be a bus?) turn out to be already killed and in the pies is kind of ridiculous, but I think you were going for complete ridiculousness and over the topness.

A coach is a big bus and yeah I was going for a slightly ridiculous story.

Quoted from dreamscale Lots of grammr errors and mis-spellings thoughout.

A lot have commented on this but I gave it a good proof read so there can
t be too many.  I wonder if it is the northern slang that you misinterpret as grammer and spelling errors?

Quoted from sniper All in all a good little funny gore flick that kinda reminded me of my own Every Knee Shall Bow

Thanks for reading but I don't recall your script so I might have to check it out.

For some reason, I'm going skip the pot pie tonight...Really liked this...Very funny and delivered the gruesome goods in fine manner...The ending was perfect...Liked the English (as in UK) flavor to this; it definitly had that dry British wit about it...Loved the Head's Up line...Good character development of the lads, although the Butcher and Jess were a little hard to keep track off and a little flat-Why do they do what they do? Does it bother them at all?...Very good getting the boys in trouble and creatively getting them out of it because of thier characters...If Mozza wasn't a chef, he may not have come to that conclusion....Theme has been done here before (Double Carnage, I think), but I liked the dark comic slant to the twisted little tale.

Abberston Village, Are you sure this is not Royston Vassey? ;-)

Like others said more a comedy than a horror, but a good one though. I really enjoyed it, was a good laugh. It does for Solyent Greeen what Shaun of the Dead does to Dawn of the Dead. It is the kind of thing I could def seen filmed, something like the comic strip used to make years ago. Yes it is cliched, but things like this are supposed to be cliched are they not?

Really good script, great characters (though agree with the comment about a little more description, would help picture them as different people) and wonderful and funny dialogue.

Not sure I saw too many mistakes, I do not usually do this but Mark did this for me a couple of times in a review and it actually really helped me, hope you don't think I am being picky as I know what it is like, I can read a script a hundred times and just not see what is obvious to someone else, it's weird sometimes!

Quoted Text A small market square surrounding by local shops

Quoted Text Gav and the others step down form the coach

Quoted Text his beard hides hi features

That's all I noticed anyway.


So really well done, I enjoyed reading this very much.

Gary

Quoted from blakkwolfe Really liked this...Very funny and delivered the gruesome goods in fine manner...The ending was perfect...Liked the English (as in UK) flavor to this

Thanks mate really glad you got the feel.  Rewrote the ending and I myself like the one I went with.

Quoted from blakkwolfe I liked the dark comic slant to the twisted little tale

That's the slant I was going for lol.

Thanks greatly for your comments, much appreciated.

Quoted from GM Abberston Village, Are you sure this is not Royston Vassey?

I've been rumbled lol!

Quoted from GM It is the kind of thing I could def seen filmed, something like the comic strip used to make years ago.

Wow that would be cool, I used to love the Comic Strip.

No worries about picking up on the spelling, I always miss some lol.

Quoted from GM Really good script, great characters and wonderful and funny dialogue.

Thanks Gary

Hey alffy,

It's all in the timing  ;D...

and how when I thought things couldn't get worse, they did.
One example: the freezer.

I enjoyed the British accents.  Although this has been done before, I think the accents helped to add originality to the script. And I loved the line "Have a day off mate." I think I'll use that one soon. LOL

I  can tell you had fun writing this, and really that's all that matters when it is all said, done, and over with, isn't it?
When you love what you're doing, it shows. ;D

Cindy

Wow! This was good. One of the best shorts I've read on the site, for sure. I'm going to have to disagree that this wasn't very original. Sure, the formula's been used before but setting a story that usually takes place in the American Midwest in the English countryside was a stroke of brilliance IMO. I think more horror movies need to be set here. The only ones I can think of off the top of my head are American Werewolf In London (I appreciated the reference, BTW) and Straw Dogs (technically not a horror movie). The location wasn't the only change though. There was definitely a healthy batch of British humor here, which I loved. It's like Texas Chainsaw meets Monty Python. I also loved the characters. Even if I like the characters in something like this, it's usually the carnage that offers the appeal but I think your characters really stood out, not because they were funny (which they were) but because no matter how bad things got, they were able to keep their cool. The ending was a bit of a shock as well but appropriate for what you setup and I don't think it's ever been done before so kudos.

I feel like I'm giving a bad review if I'm not unloading a batch of pointers and criticisms but I do think this script was pretty flawless. Definitely in my top ten of best shorts on SS. Anyway, I think I've gushed enough so I'll simply say good job, Alffy. Always a pleasure.

Quoted from cindy I enjoyed the British accents.  Although this has been done before, I think the accents helped to add originality to the script. And I loved the line "Have a day off mate." I think I'll use that one soon. LOL

Be my guest with that line cindy lol.

Quoted from cindy I  can tell you had fun writing this, and really that's all that matters when it is all said, done, and over with, isn't it? When you love what you're doing, it shows.

I did enjoy writing this, very much and I actually knocked this out in a day which is really fast for me.  I wrote a much darker serious script first and then this as a back up.

Quoted from James McClung Wow! This was good. One of the best shorts I've read on the site, for sure.

Thanks very much James, coming from a seasoned pro like you thats a great compliment.

Quoted from James McClung There was definitely a healthy batch of British humor here, which I loved. It's like Texas Chainsaw meets Monty Python.

This is my favourite quote of all time...I like it so much I may have to wall mount it lol.  In fact your whole review is great and has boosted my own confidence to keep writing, not that was gonna stop anyway lol.

Quoted from James McClung Definitely in my top ten of best shorts on SS

This quote is now my favourite lol.

Many thanks James, glad you liked it so much

Hey alffy,

I couldn't pass by another of your shorts.  This one was just what I expected from you, humourous and quite British.  I like that you are unafraid of using colloquial language in your scripts, it gives them a unique feel on these boards.  

I thought this one was a hoot and I got a number of chuckles from it.  Given the characters I thought the ending worked.  It wasn’t particularly scary but it certainly had its gross out moments.  The septum moment was plenty for me.

The only issue I had with this is I thought you had too many characters for the size of this short.  I would try to get rid of one or two of them.

Anyway, well done.  

Quoted from mcornetto I like that you are unafraid of using colloquial language in your scripts, it gives them a unique feel on these boards.

Thanks, I often wondered wether some people here were a bit put off by use of language.  I just write the way I'm comfortable.

Quoted from mcornetto The only issue I had with this is I thought you had too many characters for the size of this short.  I would try to get rid of one or two of them.

Yeah I know were you're coming from.  I thought about removing a few characters but I wasn't sure which ones.

Anywho thanks for the read, much appreciated

Just a quick note to say that I'm having a go at extending this, as it has recieved some favourable reviews.  Not sure whether I have enough to make it a feature but certainly enough to bolster the story.  I just hope I don't ruin this lol.

haha I'm sure you won't ruin it mate. This definately has the potential to be a very good feature so good luck with it. Just keep the humour.

I agree. As I've already hinted at, I'd love to see another horror movie in the British countryside. The tone you've set up allows you to go in two directions at once (comedy and horror) so you've got a lot of frontier to explore, I think. You could also develop your characters a little more in a feature length context. Even if you ended up in the 80 page range, I think you'd have a pretty fun script on your hands. Good luck.

This was pretty funny to me. I had issues with the similarities to Sweeney Todd. The show has been around for a very long time, so I don't like the excuse about not having seen the movie yet. Another issue I had with this was all of the English slang. There were times that I did not understand what the characters had just said. Also, you initially describe the lads as students on break. A very simple fix there would be to add what kind of students they were. It took a minute to figure out they were culinary students. Overall it was a funny, goofy, little script that I could see a film student having fun making.

I read this one awhile back, but looking back through the thread I guess I failed to comment on it.

I think the script was well written, and definitely had a good mix of humor and gross out horror.  The Slaughtered Lamb reference worked quite well, and I appreciate the fact that you didn't hit the reader over the head with it.  If they got it, they got it.  I'm sure the ones who got it had more enjoyable reading experience.

I've noticed a lot of comparison to Sweeney Todd, but outside of the pies themselves I'm not really seeing it.  Maybe this has something to do with the fact that I've seen the Mad Butcher and can draw an easier comparison to that.  I'd suggest you check that one out, by the way.  It should serve as a pretty good inspiration for tackling the extension.

Anyway, just wanted to throw those little tidbits out there.  Good work.

Cheers for the read Pants.

Quoted from Pants I had issues with the similarities to Sweeney Todd. The show has been around for a very long time, so I don't like the excuse about not having seen the movie yet

You're right I have no excuse but then I'm not the first to write a cannabalism script and I'm sure I won't be the last. lol.  I guess the only similarities though are the meat pies.

Quoted from Pants Another issue I had with this was all of the English slang. There were times that I did not understand what the characters had just said

I'm sad that you find this an issue.  I don't review an American script and complain that I don't understand the dialogue, surely that's the point.  If all scripts were written in one location they would all read very samey wouldn't you agree?  Even in American movies characters speak in their regional dialect, take the everyday slasher with the local hillbilly and then the college kid fodder, surely these talk differently?  I remember watching the film 'Brick' and found myself wondering if the characters had each swallowed a thesaururs as their dialogue seemed quite unnatural but I still wouldn't hold it against the movie.  Touchy subject for me that one, I'm British and this is how the characters would talk. People still read Shakespears plays, and although the language is almost alien to us now, we still understand it.

Quoted from Pants Also, you initially describe the lads as students on break.  A very simple fix there would be to add what kind of students they were. It took a minute to figure out they were culinary students.

I didn't want it to be too obvious at first as it would have given away the ending or at least would kill the surprise of the actions.  I believe there are enough clues in there.

Quoted from Pants Overall it was a funny, goofy, little script that I could see a film student having fun making.

Thanks, I'm glad you liked it.  I know you had issues with it, perhaps no major ones, so the fact that you still enjoyed this and found it entertaining is a good positive for me.  I too would love to see this made, obviously lol, but perhaps more so the extended feature I'm currently working on.

Thanks again for the read pants.

Hey Mike thanks for posting a response.

Quoted from Shelton The Slaughtered Lamb reference worked quite well, and I appreciate the fact that you didn't hit the reader over the head with it.  If they got it, they got it.  I'm sure the ones who got it had more enjoyable reading experience.

Cheers for this comment, I try not to be obvious in my scripts.  If people pick up then fair do's if not then no problem.

Quoted from Shelton I've noticed a lot of comparison to Sweeney Todd, but outside of the pies themselves I'm not really seeing it.

I'm so glad you pointed this out because I've had a few comments about a similarity between the two stories and I only see it in the meat pies too.

Thanks for heads up on 'The Mad Butcher' I'll check it out.  Cheers for your thoughts Mike, much appreciated.

Alffy -
I don't have a problem with you using some dialect, but some stuff was very confusing. Just as an example, the Harry Potter movies use quite a bit of English dialect, but they also tone it down some to make it easier to follow. That's all I was trying to suggest you do. As far as what type of students they are the hints aren't really dropped until we are ways into the script. In the beginning you mention one guy is reading a drity mag and the other is reading a cooking mag. That to me is not a hint. I didn't realize they were cooking students until they were eating at the beer garden. I understand the meat pies is really the only similarity to Sweeney Todd, but it's a pretty big one. That's the main part of your story. Anyways, like I said, I did enjoy this one and these critiques really are minor. Nice job again.

OK cheers...although I still don't think the Sweeny Todd similarity is a major one.  If you discount the meat pies, which you say is the main part of the story, they are totally different, and I'm not the only one...

Quoted from Shelton I've noticed a lot of comparison to Sweeney Todd, but outside of the pies themselves I'm not really seeing it.

Sweeney Tood is a serial killer Barber in London, mines about three cooking students who visit the north york moors and run into some hungry locals.  The meat pies, you've got me on but that's it lol.

Same goes for the dialect too..

Quoted from Cindy I enjoyed the British accents.  Although this has been done before, I think the accents helped to add originality to the script.

I guess you either like something or not, see similarities or not and so and son on.  That's what makes us individual.  If we all saw things the same, all the reviews would be the same and therefore we would learn nothing from them.  I don't want to get into a petty argument on this minor issue so I'm gonna leave it alone now lol.  Thanks again for reading this Pants.

Hey alffy,

I've not read any other comments so apologies if i'm repeating already raised issue.

This was a really fun read.  The three mates were funny and the whole scenario entertaining.

Apart from a few typos, the descriptions and dialogue were all fine as far as I could see.  There was a part were two of the friends both talked at the same time, and I wasn't sure if it was supposed to be formatted in that way.  I'd assumed that you'd write it as -

        RUSS + MOZZA
Right.

As opposed to -

        RUSS                                      MOZZA
Right.                                      Right.

But this is something I myself am not sure about and your way may be right.

All in all though you wrote an enjoyable comdey/horror script.

Kudos

Hey Yohn thanks for the read.  On the duel dialogue question, I'm not sure myself but I use final draft and thats how it does it so that's good for me lol.

Quoted from alffy Hey Yohn thanks for the read.  On the duel dialogue question, I'm not sure myself but I use final draft and thats how it does it so that's good for me lol.

The way you have it in the script is correct.

Hey Allfy,

I had a big grin on my face from start to finish. There is something very entertaining and funny about two groups of people hacking each other up with kitchen utensils.

As soon as I read the title, I knew this was most likely going to involve eating human flesh pies. I think that was what made it so entertaining though. We can only read on in disgust as the group cluelessly get stuck into the pies.

I would've loved to see Gav approach the manager of the pub after discovering the fingernail. I think you could've given us a deeper insight into the type of freaks that occupy the town (Other than the butchers).

It's great that you didn't turn this into a group of stoned college kids running for there lives. You gave it a very casual feel which I found ridiculously funny! It felt like a group of guys going out and getting into a fight, no big deal. I love the way that they fought back with no hesitation.

Overall I really enjoyed this. My only gripe is that you didn't characterize the locals. I wanted to hear them speak and see them react.

Great work!

Thanks for the read Dreamlogic, and glad you liked it.

Quoted from Dreamlogic My only gripe is that you didn't characterize the locals. I wanted to hear them speak and see them react.

I agree, a little bit depth would be good but I was on a page limit and felt I didn't have sufficient pages to evolve the locals.

Quoted from Dreamlogic It's great that you didn't turn this into a group of stoned college kids running for there lives. You gave it a very casual feel which I found ridiculously funny!

I wanted it to be very British and I think this is how most British lads would react...I'm gonna knack 'em attitude lol.

Anyway thanks for the feedback.

Hey Alffy,

I enjoyed this script, was a nice little read. It was extremely gory, which I liked. I was glad that you went for the full out, buckets of blood approach. It defintely worked here. The story was pretty predictable, and did feel like I had heard it before, especially the ending. But eh, it was a horror, and my favourite horror films are predictable. And plus, I felt that your ending worked well here. I liked the main characters, hell they reminded me of myself, and my mates, so I was glad that they survived.

Oh yeah, I think you should have given The Butcher a name... characterise him a bit more mate. But you did paint a clear image in my head about the small local town (I found it easy to picture it as I have visited many in the past - fortunatly the locals seemed to be at least 'normal' on surface level haha). Also, I believe that the script could be trimmed down a bit though... it dragged on a bit towards the end mate. Maybe try and cut it down by a page or two. Nothing too major.


Below I've listed a few things (some typos, some problems with dialogue etc.) I noticed whilst reading:

Page 3 - "JESS stands in the beer garden. He is overweight and his beard hides hi features." Needs to be "his features" mate.

Page 4 - "Two local WOMEN sit at table". Needs to be "sit at a table".

Page 5 - Gav's dialogue; "Why do feel the need to have a go at everyone you meet?" doesn't make sense mate... I think you're missing out a "you".

Page 9 - Gav's dialogue; "Someone’s coming" sounds kind of odd... I think something along the lines of this would sounds better; "Shit! Someone's coming." If I was about to get busted for trespassing, by a murderous butcher, I would be shi-tting myself.

Page 9 - Once again, Gav's dialogue; "Oh my god, you mean we just ate that woman" isn't extreme enough... If I had just eaten a person, I would say something like; "Holy shit! That means we just ate that women!"

Page 10 - Mozza's dialogue; "Move it" should be more extreme... "Fucking run!" Would ring more genuine.

Page 11- Russ' dialogue; "Come on them fuckwits!" - "Them" should be "then" mate.

Page 11- After The Butcher throws the cleaver at Mazza, you say it slices "a piece from his upper arm" - a piece of what?

Page 12- Gav's dialogue; "Oh my god! It gets worse. I’m definitely gonna be sick." doesn't sound right... I think it would be better if he found Susan's head and just gagged, or looked disgusted.

Page 12/13- The Butcher gets kicked in the groin, but nothing happens to Jess, who was cornering the lads with The Butcher. So how were the lads able to escape? I think it would have worked better if when Russ hurled the head at The Butcher, Mozza or Gav attacked Jess.

But yeah, congrats on this mate, it was a good read. Change the things I noted above, maybe trim the script down a little, then this will be a very nice little horror script. Well done mate.

Cheers, Toby.

Cheers for the read Toby and glad you enjoed it. Think I've changed most of the errors earlier but haven't re-submitted it yet. I was thinking of extended it actually but I have a few other scripts on the go and also I'm having a little break at the mo. Anywho, thanks again for the read, and your thoughts are appreciated greatly.

Hey Alffy,

I'm sure I owe you a read so I've dug up this old script from the archives.  I didn't read many posts so forgive me if I start repeating other points made.

I enjoyed this script as it went from drama to horror then a dash of quirky humour at the end.

I was wondering if the three lads were trainee chefs?

I kinda got the feeling that I was reading a long drawn out sketch from the League of Gentlemen, is this where you drew inspiration from?  It reminded me of the butcher:



I wouldn't use phrases like three local men or two local women as we would only assume these people are local within the village setting.

I think you could of put the pensioners in the butcher shop either at the front buying, as a result of tasting it in the pub or maybe as extra meat just piled up in a corner at the back.

I made some notes:

her long finger nails painted red. 2
3, ...beard hides hi's' features.
5 transfixed as the'y' devour their
6 A large crowd of village'r's queue
7 The large butcher stands, BUTCHER
10, I would capitalise the first letter of Butcher
12, We’ll (Well), now I know what a Bernard...
The names of Jess & Russ, one of these should be changed so as to not rhyme.

Overall, a good effort with a great ending.

All the best,


Javier