Scarefest episode 6 - Blood Drive by Gary Murphy - Short, Horror -  When a young couple are involved in a car crash they think the arrival of the paramedics is the end of their nightmare, in fact it is just the beginning. The city's vampires are watching, and when the opportunity arises to strike they take it. Blood is the prize, keeping it is the game. - pdf, format 8)

Hey Gary,

Let me start by saying I really enjoyed the premise to this script.

Formatting is good and the pacing flows well.

Some of the dialog between Mike and Mallory got a little hammy, but it's no big deal.

How did Bert bear get inside of Mikes car? I thought the paramedics bought the happy meal and got the Bert bear. If Mike had one too, you should have introduced it earlier.

On Page 6 Mallory has double dialog.

Despite all of the minor flaws, I liked this one as well. A very interesting take on vampires. I really liked when Lynam transformed. A great visual scene.

I do think the ending with Mallory killing the old man was a bit dragged out. You should have just ended it with Mallory walking away from the ambulance and into the night.

Overall, a flawed but very entertaining episode. 7/10

~Zack~

Why thank you Zack, I appreciate that and am a little surprised.

I was actually really unhappy with this script, It was my first stab at Horror and it was a real struggle, I will be honest it was the first time I had really not enjoyed writing a script and I would turn to it every evening and not like the characters or the story or anything and it made it difficult to write. I have no idea why really, just the place my head was in at the time I guess.

Working to a deadline never helped either, but that I guess it a good thing to try and learn, I imagine deadlines are an important feature of a professional screenwriters life! and must be learned.

So I am surprised you liked this, I was not expecting anything from this to be honest  and was trying to put it out of my mind, maybe I need to go back and read it again now that I am in a better mood.

The whole Bert bear thing was a huge cock-up on my part, I never realized till you pointed it out. Very sloppy work on my part there, Bert should not have been in the car, you were right.

Anyway thanks for the read and thanks for the opportunity to write this, I may not have enjoyed it too much but now I can see how it is certainly another lesson learned in my screenwriting class.

Hey Murphy,

First off, I really got a kick out of the names Clinton / Barrack. Second, you kinda gave a whole new meaning to the term Ambulance Chaser. And btw. is it Lynam or Lyman (you use both)?

Usually vampire-flicks are not at the top of my list but this one was rather good. It did take a little long to get off the ground but once it did it really picked up the pace and that was good. I wasn't surprised by the ending but it still seemed a little too much.

Bert Bear, huh? Any connection to that and the Bears Bert always uses in his scripts?

Good solid effort.

Cheers
Rob

Hey Gary, this is the 5th of the "Scarefest" scripts that I've gotten through.  I love the title and premise...that's the good news.  The bad news is that I didn't like much of anything else.  Here's why...

Characters - Not much there.  Very trivial conversations that say little about anyone.  The dialogue was terrible and completely fake and unbelievable.  In some places, I was laughing out loud at what was being said.  I think you need to go back and read this again and speak the dialogue out loud and see if you think it sounds like something anyone would say.

Story - Again, I think the premise here is great, but the way you've plotted it, just doesn't work.  Not much happens until the vamps enter, and they come off as cartoon-like characters in what they say and do (and how they say it).  Not much intensity considering the horrific situation either.  The ending didn't pack the punch it needed.

Other - You used a number of words that I am not familiar with, like windscreen, for instance.  I think you were referring to a windshield, but you used the word "windscreen" over and over to the point where I was laughing again.  There were a few other strange words.  Maybe you are from a foriegn country and you use that word (and others) in normal conversation...for me though, it was odd.

Sorry for the harsh review but these are just my comments and are given as contructive criticism.  Hopefully you can take it as that.

Best of luck to ya.

Quoted from Dreamscale Hey Gary, this is the 5th of the "Scarefest" scripts that I've gotten through.  I love the title and premise...that's the good news.  The bad news is that I didn't like much of anything else.  Here's why...

Hey, thanks for the read. At least you like something! I aim to please.

Quoted from Dreamscale Characters - Not much there.  Very trivial conversations that say little about anyone.  The dialogue was terrible and completely fake and unbelievable.  In some places, I was laughing out loud at what was being said.  I think you need to go back and read this again and speak the dialogue out loud and see if you think it sounds like something anyone would say.

Not sure about the trivial conversations, I did try hard to make sure that all dialogue either revealed information about the characters and/or drove the story forward. Which I am led to believe is the point of dialogue.

The trivial conversation between Mallory and Mike revealed within a few lines of dialogue that they were in love, they had just bought a house, she was a nurse and therefore my attempt was to build some character and back story into their relationship.

The trivial conversation between Jordan and Adam was purely to give a sense of a working relationship, they get along, they talk about things. As people tend to do.

And as for reading it out loud and seeing if it is what anyone would actually say, well i said it didn't I?

Thanks for laughing though!

Quoted from Dreamscale Story - Again, I think the premise here is great, but the way you've plotted it, just doesn't work.  Not much happens until the vamps enter, and they come off as cartoon-like characters in what they say and do (and how they say it).  Not much intensity considering the horrific situation either.  The ending didn't pack the punch it needed.

Fair enough, I do not disagree, If you read my earlier comments you would see I am not happy with it at all in this respect.

Quoted from Dreamscale Other - You used a number of words that I am not familiar with, like windscreen, for instance.  I think you were referring to a windshield, but you used the word "windscreen" over and over to the point where I was laughing again.  There were a few other strange words.  Maybe you are from a foriegn country and you use that word (and others) in normal conversation...for me though, it was odd.

Sorry, my bad. Yes you are 100% correct, I come from a "foriegn" (though where I am from we call it foreign) country. We speak a language called English, Sorry I do try to write my scripts in Americanish but it is hard sometimes to get everything right.

Again, thanks for laughing at someone who uses different words to you. I mean some people come across a foreign language or different culture and look upon it as an opportunity to learn, or at least will make allowances for that. There is one particular country in the world however that has some people who see different as something to be scared off and either laughed at or bombed off the face of the world.

Glad I could make you laugh with my crazy English language, I guess I am grateful you never took the latter option.

Quoted from Dreamscale for the harsh review but these are just my comments and are given as contructive criticism.  Hopefully you can take it as that.

No worries, thanks very much for the constructive criticism. All your well thought out comments and helpful feedback is going to be a huge help in my next project.

I cannot wait to see your un-constructive criticism.

Thanks for the read.

Quoted from sniper Hey Murphy, First off, I really got a kick out of the names Clinton / Barrack. Second, you kinda gave a whole new meaning to the term Ambulance Chaser. And btw. is it Lynam or Lyman (you use both)? Usually vampire-flicks are not at the top of my list but this one was rather good. It did take a little long to get off the ground but once it did it really picked up the pace and that was good. I wasn't surprised by the ending but it still seemed a little too much. Bert Bear, huh? Any connection to that and the Bears Bert always uses in his scripts? Good solid effort. Cheers Rob

Cheers Rob,

I am not under any misconceptions about this script, it was a struggle from the start, but I can see a little good in there so appreciate the read.

Yeah, supposed to be Lynam (Josh from the West Wing, along with Leo from the West Wing) as this was going to be based in Washington D.C. and hinting towards vampire senators or something (hence why Barack and Clinton) but never really got there in the end.

The idea was that Senators are not easily able to go out and kill people themselves so have arranged a system for their weekly blood transfusion instead. But that whole plot just kind of disappeared through lack of space and time really. But kept the West Wing, and real political names in anyway.

And yes, of course Bert bear is my homage to Bert and the bears he seems so fond of. Although I seemed to have messed that up a bit anyway with having a Bert in each car. (though thinking about it if it is a happy meal bear then probably not that far fetched to have one in another car!)

Thanks the read Rob.

Hey Gary, I take it you were not thrilled with my review. I want to make it clear to you that in no way was I trying to shoot you down or anything of the sort.

When I mentioned "laughing out loud", I did not mean that I was laughing at you.  Funny, cause I rarely laugh at comedies...they're just not funny to me.  Something that tries to be funny, usually isn't.  What is funny is unintentional things that just sound "funny".  Know what I mean?  Please don't take this the wrong way.

Again, I apologise if I offended you in any way.  That was not my intention.

Quoted from Dreamscale Hey Gary, I take it you were not thrilled with my review. I want to make it clear to you that in no way was I trying to shoot you down or anything of the sort. When I mentioned "laughing out loud", I did not mean that I was laughing at you.  Funny, cause I rarely laugh at comedies...they're just not funny to me.  Something that tries to be funny, usually isn't.  What is funny is unintentional things that just sound "funny".  Know what I mean?  Please don't take this the wrong way. Again, I apologise if I offended you in any way.  That was not my intention.

I will accept your apology.

I would suggest that you learn how to review scripts however, there is no need whatsoever to rip someone's work to shreds and tell them that you were laughing at their dialogue and use of language. What you meant has little significance it is what you said that counts. And this my friend was not a review but was a hatchet job that contained no constructive criticism at all in any way shape or form.

I would think it may be a good idea to have a look at this thread before you post any more reviews...

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-screenwrite/m-1158197750/


Gary


P.S.  No need to reply to this, I don't want to start an argument on this page, leave it for real reviews! Thanks.

Gary...again, and I really mean this...I apologize (and look...I spelled it right this time, too!).  A I said before,  I did not intend on shooting your work down, or giving you a "hatchet job".

I said a number of positive things in my initial review, and I also told you areas that didn't work and why (IMO).  And that's all it is...my opinion.  Don't take it the wrong way.  I read your thread about reviewing, and I've read literally 100's of reviews in here already.  If you feel my critique is harsh, I'm sorry, but I feel that the aim of this site is to help writers, and helping isn't always providing praise.

There is no bashing in a forum like this.  Everyone in here loves to write, loves to read, and loves screenwriting.  These are all great qualities, and there should be no wrong.

Sometimes (and I'm talking from experience here), the worst review you get, may turn out to be the best review you get.

Keep writing and carry no ill will...

Quoted from Dreamscale Gary...again, and I really mean this...I apologize (and look...I spelled it right this time, too!).

Actually it is spelled correctly for Americanish but the way you spelled it before was correct English so I never even noticed.

Quoted from Dreamscale I said before,  I did not intend on shooting your work down, or giving you a "hatchet job". I said a number of positive things in my initial review, and I also told you areas that didn't work and why (IMO).  And that's all it is...my opinion.  Don't take it the wrong way.  I read your thread about reviewing, and I've read literally 100's of reviews in here already.  If you feel my critique is harsh, I'm sorry, but I feel that the aim of this site is to help writers, and helping isn't always providing praise. There is no bashing in a forum like this.  Everyone in here loves to write, loves to read, and loves screenwriting.  These are all great qualities, and there should be no wrong. Sometimes (and I'm talking from experience here), the worst review you get, may turn out to be the best review you get. Keep writing and carry no ill will...

What part of "No need to reply to this" did you not understand exactly?  I do not want to argue with you on the thread that is supposed to be reserved for reviews of a script that may not be any good but was the product of many nights work.

I have got no idea of who you are or where you come from but really, and seriously I mean this , you can go and screw yourself if you think you can patronise me in this way. I have plenty of reviews of my scripts and have never had an issue with a single one of them. Despite what you say your review was not constructive in any way at all and was downright insulting. I appreciate most feedback, good and bad. I am not hear to get smoke blown up my arse but am not here to be spoken to like a fucking idiot either.

If you really believe this was a helpful review then please do me a big favour and NEVER READ ANY OF MY SCRIPTS AGAIN.

Thank you.


*The above review was written with English (UK) spelling, hope it gave you another laugh dickhead.



** EDIT **

I am not going to change what I have already written above because even after some thought I still mean every word. But I do not want to get kicked off this site either and realise that with my rant above I am probably running close to that.

So the reason I gave you the link to the "How to review a script" thread is because you clearly think that what you wrote was constructive criticism. I am telling you it is not. If you want to say something is crap then  you are perfectly entitled to, but you need to balance it out by at least telling why it was crap and how it could be better. Tell me what was wrong with it, and how you think it can be made right. If you are going to insult people over an aspect of their script and tell them that their dialogue made you laugh out loud then have the decency to explain why you think the dialogue was so shit and how you think it can be improved.

You did none of this, so please don't try to pretend you are trying to help me improve my writing. There are plenty of great writers on this forum who's criticism I will take gladly, because I know they are serious about helping us inexperienced writers improve our craft. You could learn a lot by reading their reviews of scripts, especially the ones they do not like very much. Whether you like a script or not you need to understand that it is the product of hard work by somebody who probably has a busy day job, family life to balance and real world issues to deal with. To find the time to do this often comes with sacrifice and the last thing that anybody deserves is to have their work ripped apart in the manner you did.

I really hope that this is the end of this now as I really am not here to fall out with people I am here to learn how to write screenplays but I will be honest with you I have never come as close to jacking this site in as I have today.

Hi Gary;

Nice job. Took a little while for the story to get going; Don't know if the cheeseburger exposition between Jordan and Adam is nessecary; they are just ultimately victims and don't really matter a whole lot to the thrust of the story...Richard Lynam, on the other hand, could have used alot more exposition-He was a very cool and interesting character but we don't get a chance to know him...He pulls up, sucks out Mike's life force, and leaves..Wanted to know more about him. He was important, and obviously the boss. How did he get there? How does he keep his vampire minions under control? Where does he get his money?  Appreciate the Clinton/Barack as vampires notion, but, as I implement a lesson learned from OWC, it pulls the reader out of the story and the alternate world you are trying to convey to the audience...Mallory lost hero points by slaughtering the old man in the end, better she went back to the ambulance and broke open some bags of blood. Even if she had just turned, her heroic nature should struggle past the carnal urge for standard vampiring....As it turns out, she is no better than Clinton, Barack or Lynam, after all, the old man was somebody's husband or grandpa too. I enjoyed the story though, the action scenes were well paced and plenty bloody. I would definitly get the DVD, to gawk at Mallory if nothing else ;)

Quoted from Murphy Yeah, supposed to be Lynam (Josh from the West Wing, along with Leo from the West Wing)

Being a huge West Wing fan myself, I kinda had a hunch about Josh and Leo (and Jordan and Mallory). I was waiting for Toby to show up too  ;D

Hey Gary

Just a quick note to start, your second slug doesn't say if it's night or day.  No biggie as I knew it must be still early morning but thought it worth a mention.

Adam digs around for his cheeseburger, we don't know what he's searching for?

Jordan and Adam's conversation about men's minds is very funny.

Malloey and Mike have a good connection and their relationship is believable from the outset.

I thought bert bear was in the ambulance but you say it watches mallory in their car?

Some of your dialogue reads a bit unnatural, 'he is doing fine' as opposed to 'he's doing fine'.

Adam's death is pretty cool and came out of the blue.  As did the next part...the vampire!

I love the way Lynam is reborn.  I remember watching a comedy horror film so years ago, I forget the name, were the vampires used an optic (used for measuring alcoholic shorts) to drain blood from their victims.  I like your idea too.

I'm not sure I like your ending.  I like the way Mallory becomes a vampire but I'm not sure I like the way she escapes Clinton.

I noticed a few errors and a few instances were you wrote in the past tense as a opposed to the present.

Overall though I liked this, good effort.

Hey GM,

I found this to be an interesting tale with a great ending (great in that the context tells the reader what happened and everything led up to that point). But I think there is one thing that needs to be clarified which is why does Lyman need the blood transfuison as that? Why not suck it off like the other vamps?

Also a bit of your dialgoue needs editing such as on pg. 14 where Mallory comes behind Clinton. That's too long for her to say quickly. You need something shorter or cut it but have the next line be hers and not Clinton's. The fact that Mallory suffered that much, she deserves to vex out frustrations.

Other than that, the descriptions were kind of nice. I liked your describtion for Lyman. I was like wow. But it needs to be cut down like don't inform us about the fact that he is Black. Show us.  

The pacing was good. It was very natural. Even the events. Good job on that.  

Hope this helps,
Gabe

Hey Gary,

I know you didn't have much time to write this, but still I think it was pretty good.

I mean with a rewrite you could show us more about these vampires.  ;D

Maybe start the script hinting at a murder inside of a van or ambulance??? Screams as the vehicle shakes.

Although it is a vampire script, and they are all about vampires feeding on blood, you managed to find an original way for them to do this.

I like vampire movies. They're interesting to me as long as they have an original story. I think you could turn this one into a feature, too.  

I'd like to read the rewrite.

Cindy

Hi Gary.

"Blood Drive" felt rushed, as I'm sure it was, and with this being your first venture into the horror genre, I think you did a commendable job.
Some of the problems I think are related to the imposed deadline.
Nevertheless, I did jot down some notes.

I suggest combining the first two paragraphs, so that the rain and its run-off is apparent immediately.  
The scene with the ambulance driving around without a specific destination seems to drag.

I like Mallory.  She has a femme fatale quality.  When you introduce her, you do need a transition scene.  I thought she stepped out of the car instead of the hospital.

Blakkwolfe mentioned the use of Clinton and Barack as names could pull the reader out of the story.  I found them confusing, because at times their first names were used -- especially Zack.  I had to backtrack to connect which guy was Zack.  Maybe stick with one name for each character.

I noticed on a couple of occasions you used the expression, "is sat."   An example would be "the car is sat..."  I think you mean "sits"?    And a person lies and an inanimate object such as a book lays.

I was a little puzzled that Jordan didn't know Mallory.  But I guess it's a big facility, so probably isn't a problem.

During the car crash scene, a dispatcher sends one ambulance.  I was wondering how many gurneys fit inside an ambulance, since there could be a number of bodies in need of hospital treatment.  I noticed that not much is made of the "other" vehicle involved in the Mike and Mallory crash.

I initially thought the vampires were in the other vehicle, but that doesn't seem to be the case.  Maybe the wreck should involve MM and the vampire's vehicle.

I'm unclear as to why Mallory is punched, then revived with defibrillators which causes her to pass out.  In one instance she is knocked out and the other, she passes out.  Does this make a difference to the vampires?

Yes, I too wondered about the vampires.  Lynam is an interesting type, kind of a modern-type day William Marshall. But he's 7-foot tall.  Wow?  Could be a basketball player.  I can see him in the cool hours before dawn on the courts, slam dunking human heads.
Maybe you can fill us in on who he is, why he's in control and what is his purpose.  He tells his guys to hurry because "we're running out of time."  Is that in reference to dawn?
He doesn't take blood in the traditional sense, which is cool by me.  But give us a reason.
The transformation scene of a revitalized Lynam is a great scene.  That makes the journey worthwhile.

I also liked the scene with Clinton performing the unceremonious burials of the victims.  But I think the way you described how Mallory eludes decapitation and such, seems almost as if she just disappears.  You might write it so we see her roll out of the way.  Unless of course, she does disappear.  Make this clear.

If you can streamline the action a bit, it will read faster.  There is potential here and a lot of it has to do with the vampire lore.  Lynam is the key.  He's different and that's interesting.  What is his goal?  His motives?
Good luck with any rewrites.

Abe

Aiffy, Mr Ripley, Cindy and Abe, Thanks very much your reads and reviews. Appreciated.

Quoted Text Maybe start the script hinting at a murder inside of a van or ambulance??? Screams as the vehicle shakes.

Cindy, that is a great idea. If i get chance to re-write I am using it! Cheers.

If I am to re-writes I will come back and read everyones comments again, you have all given some great feedback and even though I had no intention of re-writing this I think I will try and find the time because you have all given me so much to work on.

Abe, as always your feedback is thorough and is really appreciated and will certainly be taken into thought as I plan re-writing this.

Thanks everyone

Gary

Gary,

This was an okay script. I understand it's your first horror script, so I'll be easy on you. Actually, I guess I'm always easy on most of my reviews, so don't you worry.

The dialogue is a bit unrealistic, but what horror movie has realistic dialogue? Try and work it up the best you can. Like, when Mallory finds out what happened to the other car, you can just have her trail off with her words or something, have her seemed shocked, rather than having this long-ish line of dialogue.

Your descriptions are good, except some of them are way too dragged out. I feel as though I'm being a hypocrite, though, since I have the same habit.

There were some grammatical errors and I don't think I caught any spelling errors (though, there could have been a lot, but I just didn't see them. No offense).

This was a good piece for your first horror piece though. If you worked on it some more, I'm sure this would be better, and possibly a good feature if you add a lot more to it. Sorry if I mentioned everything everyone else said. I only read a few comments left by reviewers.

Sean

I'm not a big fan of vampire flicks, other than Interview With a Vampire, but this one wasn't so bad. I think a different ending would have helped this one along. I also noticed some minor discrepencies, such as the bear and the spelling of Lynman. Overall it was fine.

Hey GM,

I understand that this is your first foray into the horror genre, and I must say, this was a good effort.  The pacing was good, and I liked the characters.  In particular the enigmatic Lyman.  I think a script detailing his back story would go down well with those who have read this.

You've already been made aware of any spelling/grammitcal errors so I won't repeat those.  The dialogue was mostly fine, however there were certain instances were it didn't seem to feel natural.  An example is -

                   ADAM
      (feigning exasperation)
But when we don’t pay any attention
we are self centered and arrogant--

When I read that line out loud, and taking into account the manner of the character, it doesn't seem to flow right.  By changing "we are" to "we're" it makes it feel more natural.  There were other instances where two words could've been shorthanded like that, in order to make the dialogue flow abit better.

All in all though, an interesting horror script, particulary for a 1st stab at the genre.