Big Stakes by Stephen Brown (stebrown) - Short, Drama, Thriller - A game of poker where money isn't the only thing at stake. 12 pages - pdf, format 8)

hey, i thought this was really good... right up until the end.  the story kept me interesting but then the end was unbelievable and came from nowhere.  i think you need to do a better of setting up a solution, because as of now i don't think vinny's capable of doing what he does.  i also was confused why you dropped the v.o.  i think either you should keep it (like have it come back at the end), or just drop it completely.  you had a lot of tense moments and i was kept interested, i just feel you should work on the resolution more  

Hi dkw, thanks for the read and the suggestions.

I played around with the end quite a bit and was never really happy with it. I was half thinking about making it into a feature and have Tony make Vinny do a job for him while they keep a hold of Michael.

I admit that the end is sudden but as far as him not being capable of it I'd disagree. In 'True Romance', Clarence does a similar thing to what Vinny does here and he is outnumbered and there's no suggestion he knows how to use a gun. Michael works for Tony so there's a suggestion Vinny has used a gun before, maybe I should have him firing more shots rather than just two clean take downs to make it a little more believable. I just really couldn't think of an idea to get them out of the room alive apart from this one, once I had set it up.

As far as the V.O goes; the reason it's there at the start is to explain who Tony is and that Vinny is 'out of his element' (gotta fit a Lebowski quote in when ya can ha!). I don't see what Vinny would say in a V.O at the end that wouldn't come across as cheesy - that's why I cut it.

I was more worried about the torture scene to be honest. Did you find that believable?  Just I was worried about the whole "get the salts" line. Didn't know if someone would die from this or if an injection of adrenaline would be better than smelling salts.

Hopefully, get some more views on this from people and I'll take them all into account when doing a second draft.

Cheers

Ste

Hey Stephen;

Overall, very good. Cleanly written and a breeze to read. Suggest moving the flashback scene to the beginning of the short...The flashback at that point pulls too far out of the action.

Liked the title, although I was rather expecting vampires to show up.

Dont think you need the voice over, although its well written, its a little redundant in light of his conversation with Micheal...

The characters were OK, if not a little stereotypical...Thought the gangster dialogue was good...Pretty brutal to Michael, but as Mr. Appaletti said  Its only fair he takes the rap, kid.
Vinny acts appropriately given the extreme circumstances, and I liked the fact that he stood up to Mr. Appaletti when push came to shove and shot him, although I would think that Donny and Leo would have taken a dive when bulletts started flying...These are professional mobsters, and doubt that , unless he was a trained marksman, hed be able to pop the two guys before they got any shots off...

Staring with murder in his eyes is close to unfilmable(learned that from the OWC)...He stares intensely maybe...

Expected the car to explode as Vinny turned the key, but I suppose he wouldn blow up his own car...Thats why he took Leos. Good thinking.

Brutal description of the amputation and the blow torch...Simple, but very powerful visually. Less is more, so well done on that.

Good job!

After looking at the other comments, I had no problem with the salts line...Vinny can still get out with his brother, it just may be a bit more difficult for him getting past the gangsters...I like that idea of making Vinny go out and do stuff while Micheal is being held hostage...Especially after the whole loosing a finger with pliers thing...That would motivate him plenty...Perhaps he's got 2 hours to come up with the cash or else...I dunno maybe that's been done, but perhaps you might have some fun with the theme...

Hi Joseph, thanks again for the read and pleased you liked this.

With your suggestions I'm toying over having the flashback interchange with the start scene. Where the waiter's taking the tray back to the kitchen. Then the flashback will end as it cuts to Tony's office.

I can't argue with you thinking the characters were stereotypical. I based Tony on a mixture of Tony Soprano and Fat Tony(from the Simpsons). I tried to make Tony a bit sinister with the bit where he storms over to Vinny and then calms down and starts whispering, don't know if that worked or not.

The keys Vinny picks up are for the backdoor not Leo's car, so the whole car exploding could be an idea.

Thanks for your comments.

Quoted from stebrown I tried to make Tony a bit sinister with the bit where he storms over to Vinny and then calms down and starts whispering, don't know if that worked or not.

Yes, I thought that worked well...Suggest that when working with characters that are stereotypical by nature (the italian gangster, the irish cop, the hot, insatiable nurse...) give them something that is unique to them...DeNiro's Capone in the Untouchables loved the opera, Give him something unique to make him stand out from the crowd of similiar characters...

Vinny wouldn't need a key to get out the backdoor due to fire laws, unless it were adjusted by paying off the fire inspectors...

Hey Stephen,

Well you certainly upped the stakes with that one. I thought the concept was quite good.  I was worried it was going to turn into torture porn but managed to steer away from that.

The flashback where they explain about the money is too compressed.  I think it can be spread out a bit more.  Instead of telling us all about it in one go perhaps you might try telling us in pieces.

The choice of having Vinny be the hero is odd because he is certainly the less likeable brother. I guess redemption is a valid enough arc for our hero.

Some of the dialogue toward the end didn't really gel for me.  For example Tony calling Vinny son didn't work IMO.

The ending in general seemed a bit sloppier than the rest of it and could do with some cleaning up.  I found it unlikely for Vinnie to overcome the gansters in the room without any foreshadowing of his ability to do so.

Otherwise, nicely done. Keep writing.

Thanks mcornetto.

I had a go at restructuring the flashback last night. Didn't really work, I just had it all in the middle of the start scene. I'll have another go when I finish work today. Think I might have Vinny picking Michael up from jail or vice-versa and they have half the conversation in the car and then have a second flashback telling the rest of the story at some point (where, I haven't got a clue but will sort it out).

I tried cleaning up the end scene too but I think that is going to take the most work. Although......I've just had an idea now, don't know if it'll work but I'll give it a try later. Vinny getting killed aswell as Donny and Leo. Then it just ends with Michael coming to, still tied to the desk.

Thanks for the encouragement and I appreciate the pun ;o)

Hey Ste.

This is your best script so far, or at least my favourite.  I like the concept and it's nicely written.  I personally think the flashback scene is fine were it is in the story.

I do think Vinnie overcomes Tony quite easily and was expecting something more imaginative in his escape.

My only unsure things are thiese: Not sure pliers would chop off a finger?  Maybe pull it out from the socket, for cutting it off I'd go for wire cutters or something.  Also not sure a hacksaw would be able to cut through a fimur bone so quickly?  I say fimur, if Michael's legs were tied to a desk, that would be the bit of leg more easily accessable to cut through.  Maybe use a an ordinary saw?

The characters are good and the dialogue was excellent.  This was really good entertaining read.

Hey Stephen,

I was amazed at how easily you were able to suck me into the story. Granted, I'm a nut for gangster flicks but I think I would have enjoyed this script even if I wasn't. I couldn't help picturing James Gandolfini as Tony (hey, you name a mobster Tony and it's got The Sopranos written all over it).

I didn't quite get the scheme Vinny and Michael were trying to pull off - not that it really matters that much though, obviously they stole from Tony. I liked how you incorporated the V.O. and the flashback, I think both worked very well.

I also liked that you didn't show too much of what was happening to Michael, that way you put the reader in Vinny's shoes and that was a great move.

I didn't like the end as much as the rest of the script. It seemed a little to Steven Seagal'ish the way he overpowers the three mobsters - and quite frankly a little too unbelievable for my taste. I'm not really sure how I would have done it different - I just I would not have done it like that.

All in all, a very solid read that lacked a little in the end. There were a couple of typos and format errors (always CAP the names of the characters to name only one). This is, I believe, the third script of yours I've read and while it still needs some work it certainly is the best I've read so far.

Keep up the good work.

Cheers
Rob

Thanks for the read folks.

Alffy
Like I've said I struggled a lot with the end. The original ended with Vinny losing the hand but then I realised that was pathetic. The trouble I've got is whether I have to introduce another character who can come in and save the day. Because as it is the only ending that makes sense is them both dying.
I was mainly worried about the whole torture scene because I was mainly blagging it. Just basically going off other gangster films I've seen.
Sniper
I've been checking out a couple of your scripts on your website today actually, H.A.N.D.S is quality ha but anyway...
Really pleased you've noticed improvement in my writing..at the end of the day I'm just starting out so I've got a lot to learn.
I'm a big fan of the whole gangster theme aswell, this was my first go at writing for it so pleased you liked the characters.
What you say about not knowing what you would do different with the end...that's exactly where I'm at. I think I've created an impossible situation to get out of. So either I'm going to have to change something before hand or just have a very dark ending.

Any suggestions would be most welcome.

You never really set a time period for this script. It seems like you attempt to do this by mentioning Sinatra, but now a days there are some artists who still perform that type of genre. The reason I bring this up is because they are playing Texas Hold 'em which is a newer thing. The beginning was a little too Rounders for me, so I'd be careful with that. Especially the V.O. part. I agree with many of the others that the ending was a bit too abrupt for me. One suggestion I have would be to switch things around and have Tony lose. That way when Vinny is about to bolt with the money they drag Michael in. That way you can kill them both and it's a neater ending. Just my 2 cents. Good job!!!

Thanks Pants.

I didn't want to set this in a particular time period, it could be based whenever to be honest. The Sinatra type music could be getting performed any time and Hold 'em is a pretty old game really, just it's only become popular over the last 10-15 years.

I'm surprised nobody else has mentioned Rounders, because this is pretty close to it. Didn't set-out for that, guess it's just in my subconcious.

I'm gonna have a rest from rewrites for a while and try something new. Hopefully, come back to this one in a month or two when I have a fresh perspective.

Thanks again

I honestly thought that was a damn good story. Seriously, from start to finish. Dialogue was just as on point as the title, and I also liked how the stakes continued to be raised moment by moment.

This was a really good idea you had here, and you wrote it perfectly. Only thing I see here are typos, but even they don't stop you from enjoying a well-written story.

The fight between Vinny and Tony was great. I like that you avoided the common cliche of the good buy pummled by the bad guy, both struggling for the gun, and somehow the good guy gets just enough strength to grab it and turn the tables.

Hey, thanks for digging this one out mate. It's probably my favourite one.

If emails from students is anything to go by this has gathered more interest than anything else I've written. Even had a couple of queries from working producers.

This is my one and only script involving gangsters (as far as I remember haha), gonna have to correct that cos it's probably my favourite theme in movies.

Thanks for the read.

Hello Stephen,

I apologise for not reading everything above in depth.

I found your script to be entertaining.  I enjoyed it.  I agree with your comparison to Rounders.  The reason to win money was to clear all his debts.  A reason to gamble.  What was driving Michael to persuade Vinny?

What I was thinking at the end was what happen next?  I think you should do another short.

All the best.


Javier

Good story. I love Rounders and gangster movies, so this story was a great mix. Like a lot of the other responses, I had a problem with the end. There was build-up with Michael's torture, but not on the game. With most of the story revolved around poker - even the title - I expected poker to be a bigger presence. That's actually was drove me to the story.
I would've liked to see the end unfold like this - Vinny and Tony are playing, Vinny's acting strong and Tony is buckling, slightly. You played up the game to a point - we didn't see their hands. So at the end of the hand, Tony reluctantly calls with a straight, and Vinny was bluffing. 7-2 offsuit. Vinny laughs, turns to yell at his thugs "check this out. He gambles his brother's life on shit!" He turns back around, Vinny's already in his face, just about to knock him over. This would catch Vinny more off guard, his thugs, too. Maybe Tony's gun was on the table and Vinny grabbed that. Minor shoot-out with his thugs. Same ending, little more believable, and uses Vinny's poker skills described earlier in the flashback (but not implimented) and adds more suspense.

Just suggestions, obviously. After reading through, I thought of this scenario. Also, I liked the VO and would've liked to hear it a little more and I think the flashback was just fine. Maybe some more details on the heist and why Tony would play with Vinny, but in a short it may be irrelevant.

Great job, keep the scripts rolling.

Thanks Javier/Hatter

I was struggling to come up with an idea to improve the ending for this, really like your idea. I think I'll use it.

Might make a good 30ish page short this with a few more flashbacks. Maybe have one for Tony, and how he found out about the plan.

Cheers Mate