Toni Libra by Raymond Kelly II (Uhmazon) - Comedy, Teen - A clumsy, guardian angel is assigned to protect an arrogant high school teen. 13 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi Raymond, just gave this a read as you asked.

Thought it was pretty cute and funny in parts. The descriptions and dialogue are pretty good.

It's pretty original, I think it would work well as a cartoon. It seems like it's aimed at kids so you could maybe look at that.

You said you did this for your film class. Are you going to be filming this too?

Thanks! I really appreciate the feedback! Glad to know that I'm on the right track, and surprisngly, you said my dialogue is good. I'm very happy to here that because I always have the toughest time with that portion of any script I write.

Yeah, I'm actually in the middle of lining the script so I can shoot it here in town for a grade. If filming goes as planned, I plan to extend it to about 40 pages and film that, in hopes of submitting it to a film festival.

Hey Raymond,

Read your script as you requested and it wasn't bad.  I especially liked the misadventures of Toni trying to save him.

I had issues with just a couple of things.  

The first was that Toni's description of Johnny isn't followed through.  You tell us that he is bad but you never show us - a film is about showing, not telling.
Without this badness his redemption later means very little.  The conflict between him and Toni is minimal, them getting together later has very little impact.  

Now if you increased Johnny’s badness and gave him and Toni something to really fight about then the impact of the ending will increase proportionally.  This is the biggest thing you can do to improve your script.

The other issue I had was the generic drug addict at the end.  I found that a bit too much like a piece of propaganda.  I think you could come up with a better threat.

Regards,

Michael  

P.S. Don’t forget to read and comment on other people’s scripts.

Nice job on the writing of this script. It was crisp, neat and tight.  I loved the action, it was brisk and to the point.

The tone and style was sweet and cute, so too was the idea of a guardian angel who does more harm then good.  It's an idea I think you could have mined a lot more stuff out of.  Like say Johnny have to rescue and guard his guardian angel.

The one thing that let it down for me was the end. Reading about "everyone dies but friendship is forever" just made me go yuck!

Way to heavy handed.

So in your story God has a daughter? Jesus a sister? Or was it just a title the same as with a priest?

Hey Raymond

First things first, shouldn't the female voice be (O.S.)?  Also your little description of Toni is not needed as you can't show what your saying.

A little introduction of Toni would be nice, what does she look like?

I like the first scene, it sets up the story nicely but watch your descriptions, they are a little novel like in their wording.

I love the way Johnny knows Toni is his guarian angel and the flashbacks are funny too.

I know your planning on filming this so it's not too important but I'd refrain from having dialogue straight after a slug.

The river scene is touching but the ciminal is bit weird.  He says he needs money and drugs?  Just seems a strange thing to say, money yes but, not having being robbed by a drug addict, bringing the drugs into reads odd.  I just don't think someone would say that.  I guess the criminal can see Toni but I though she was invisible most of the time?

The criminal caught in a bright white light...headlights.  That's funny, the image that it could be a light from the heavens.

The passengers comments of 'oh no, is he dead' read bad.  There's no real emotion of just hiting someone witha car.

Is Toni God's offspring or does she refer to him as farther because he's everyones farther?  Does that make sense lol.

Tha dialogues funny but very poignant.  Lifes all about the decisions you make and you never know what tomorrows going to bring.  Also Michael touched on the fact that you tell us Johnny is a bad child but nothing he does portraits him that way.

This was good and you say you're going to extend it, I think that would only help to improve it more.  I'll be sure to check it out should you post the longer version.  Good stuff.

This was a pretty good script. I like the idea behind it and the flash back scenes had me laughing. Good job! The drug dealer at the end is a bit over the top, but overall it's good.

Hey Raymond,

I thought this was pretty good although it suffered from not really having a strong enough second act. Your first act with all the flashbacks was quite good but you might want to consider cutting one or two of the flashbacks cos' it felt overly long and repetitive to a degree. Just show Toni screwing up Johnny's life once or twice and move along.

The second act (the drama) was pretty weak in my book. It's pretty much just a discussion/argument. And that's it. It needs more meat, more fat. The situation in itself is alright but it never got to be "deep" enough. And that's also why I felt that Toni and Johnny's love interest came sort of out of the blue. So did the drug addict, he felt very forced. It was too easy in a sense. Too easy and too sweet.

The end felt like sugar-galore. I mean The Little House On The Prairie kind of sweet. If that what was you were gunning for then that's fine, I just isn't my fav type of ending especially when the set up is as weak as it is.

All in all, an enjoyable read but it needs work.

Cheers
Rob

This is a cute, goofy idea for a short, but 13 pages is too short and 40 might be too long. A 20-30 minute range might be best.

Re: Johnny's character, aside from his name and being told he's bad, we never see it. My thought had been a guardian angel isn't just for someone bad, it's someone who looks out for you. Johnny being a sad sack, someone who tries but always fails, might be an angle to push -  he tries, always fails, so he's given a guardian angel - but the clumsy angel just makes it worse for him.

Also the relationship between Toni and Johnny needs to be developed - we need to feel them falling for each other. I like the sentiment at the end, although some others seem to reject it ( you cold hearted b*stards! :p )  However the wording of it might need some work. Earlier Toni says she wouldn't want to be mortal and fall in love knowing it won't work, yet, she does...that's an okay switch but the characters need to be deepened a bit for it to work.  

The moment when Johnny asks about his mom and Toni says " yes, I see her all the time" is great...but goes on a bit long with the necklace. It might be better left it " Yes, I see her all the time. I take care of you and those around you. She's fine. She misses you."  That might be a more emotionally direct way to handle it.

Overall, it's a clever script, sweet. Just needs some tweaking.

Huh. Well, that was a real nice "cute" script, I suppose. I especially like the opening scene between God and Toni; the idea of God handing out assignments has been done before, but for me it never gets old.

I also enjoyed the "mistake montage," with Toni jacking up Johnny's life more than actually protecting it. However, I'm with Sniper in the sense that maybe cutting out an incident or two from the montage will not only make the reel shorter, but also not overdo the joke so much.

I also agree with him that the second act is weaker than the first. The criminal's dialogue is a little blunt: Gimme the cash, I need the cash, I need the drugs. Perhaps making him sound a tad bit more human might make the scene a bit more engaging. Also, the random DRIVER and PASSENGER that was introduced seemed as though it were intended as a cameo bit, but I felt it was unnecessary.

Also, the "goodbye" scene was a tad cheesy for my taste:

TONI
Johnny, look at us. We’re not of
the same body. Not of the same
world. I couldn’t dare give up my
life. To know that one day, I’ll
actually die.

JOHNNY
Death is a part of life.

TONI
But not mine. I’m so sorry Johnny.
But I have to go.

This section dripped a bit too much with sap. As was the ending... he ends up falling for his guardian angel. Huh. City of Angels, anyone?

I thought this was okay. The characters were likable. As others have said the mistake montage was good and the dialogue about Johnny’s mother was fairly touching. However, there is one plot hole. Earlier in the script it was said that Johnny was the only one who could see the guardian angel but later on the drug addict sees her. You need to fix that. I also thought the idea of Johnny beginning a "special friendship" with Toni was a little weird given the fact that Toni was also the guardian angel for Johnny’s mum. It’s kinda like Johnny’s gonna get it on with one of his mum’s friends.   :o


Personally I don’t think it’s necessary for Toni to have been the mum’s guardian angel, just saying that she sees her in Heaven is enough.