The Awkward Conversation by Matthew Layden (theusualsuspects) - Short - A father must have that awkward conversation that every father has to eventually have with their son. 3 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey,

I'm sitting here waiting for the NYCMM assignments to be announced and I decided to read this wile I wait.

First off... your descriptions. This is your first paragraph:

An older man sits in a chair reading a newspaper with reading
glasses. There is a glass of water beside him on an end table
with a lamp. His name is FRED. A younger man wearing child
like clothing walks through the living room. Fred notices him
walk by. A TV is heard in the background.

In a way there's nothing really wrong with this, however you are describing stuff that is not important to the story at all.

Instead of stating that an older man sits in a chair reading a paper, why not start out by giving us his name? FRED then a brief description of him.  Your mentioning of an end table with a lamp and a glass of water is not necessary. Why? Because they don't come into play anywhere in the script. Only mention things that will add to the story.

You then mention a younger man wearing child like clothing. This description doesn't really help me picture this guy at all. Give us his name and a brief description of him...

The rest of it isn't that bad actually. I enjoyed it. The dialogue was good and it was humorous how Fred had trouble talking about this.

I guess what I would suggest more than anything is try to think visually. Including visual clues/symbolism that add to the story.

Good luck.

Pia

I think Pia hit most of the issues.

I liked the dialogue as well, but since I was confused about Willard's age, I really had a hard time seeing the humor.  If it was a ten-year-old, it would have been funny to have the child know more than the father (though that is a bit cliche).  I pictured this as kind of a Will Farrell, idiot man-child sort of situation.  Which would have been really funny if it was set up a bit better.

I'm looking forward to a rewrite.

I like this idea, but it would be much funnier if the kid was younger...10 or 11 maybe.

I had a huge critique before the SimplyScript blackout, but I'm glad to see that Pia hit the major issues that I had pointed out to you. Shorter scene descriptions, more logical dialogue, and I think you'll be set.

I read the comments before the board was cleaned out, thanks Doc, they did help.

Thanks to everyone who read it as well.

I filmed it too, if anyone is interested in watching it....

Well, I hope that you actually took some of our advice for the shooting script, because the "20 year old in child's clothes" was a tough act to buy.

Nevertheless, if you filmed it, are you planning on posting a link at least?

I actually shot this before I posted it.

No offense, but I've never understood that. The point of posting scripts is to get critique that will better the piece. If the short's already been filmed, then the critiques mean nothing, and a crappy spec script just becomes a crappy shooting script.

Well, whatever then. Nevertheless, do you have a link? You asked if we wanted to see it, and I am interested in seeing it.

Not exactly I how I pictured it. I thought the "dad" didn't do a very good job.
They also look about the same age...

Still, I applaud you for having made that piece.  :-)

It was for a school project, so we had to use other students in the piece.

I'm still not a big fan of the casting, or some of the forced dialogue, but if it were necessary for the project, then great job getting it produced. I frequent Funny Or Die quite often; I agree with the rating its received thus far.

Yeah, I'm not too happy with the finished product, but it was for a school project so I'm happy I got it finished.